Raw Show Notes

RAW SHOW NOTES: August 2025

Ban on gambling apps

• India ne online money-based games pe ban laga Diya hai…

• Online gaming companies - like my11circle, mobile premier league, dream11 …you know aap logon ke regular addey…

• They are now banned - they cause financial and psychological harm, addiction ho jaati hai, affects minors and families, 

• Dream11 aapko pata hai kaisey kaam karta hai? For those who dont know

• For example, aap cricketers ki apni ek fantasy, online team bana lo, players select kar lo

• Aur voh players accha perform karein toh eventually you can win some money…

• Problem kya hai na ki like any gambling ever throughout the histroy of the universe - the house always wins…dream11 always wins which means people must lose

• And so now dream11 - india ki cricket team ka major sponsor by the way — banned!  

• Ban kar diya hai…

• Right, kyonki kisi cheez ki manai ho toh human beings aaraam se maan jaate hain

• Just tell people - hey this thing is bad for you and people are like - oh ok, I’ll not do the…thing…

• Papaji bol lein Kitna bhi: Tum uss ladkey se nahin milogi…

• Ladki bolegi: ok but sochegi: main aur chhoti skirt pehen ke miloongi

• Isnt that the reality?

• Indian cricket team ko bhi ban se problem ho gayi…abhi Asia cup start honey vaala hai…dream11 vaali shirts toh already chapvaa lee theen…

• They cant get new shirts printed…what…yeah, like, bcci has money.

• Team ki shirts ke liye naya sponsor dhoondne ke liye dhada-dhad phone calls ho rahi hain

• Haan hello, amul…kem cho?  Ok listen can you quickly make a product called CREAM11…haan voh shirt pe D ka C kar denge…

• Nahin kar sakte…tum aana Saale ab…alsi taste of india chakhaaonga…

• I have a simple question for you Dream11 and company…

• kis level ka chai-paani…greasing of palms karne mein kami reh gayi thhee tumhari ki aaj yeh din dekhna pad raha hai? 

• Ki this has all turned into a Bad dream 11…

• Accha, doosri countries mein Kaisey hoti hai online gambling

• (Sing “global perspective / graphic will show on scree)

• USA mein online gambling legal hai…its like encouraged…this is what they play whenever this online sports gambling site called fanduel advertises…end mein yeh sunai deta hai

• FANDUEL audio fine print

• Last mein audio fine print sunaa dete hain…us ke saare states mein jitni gambling addiction ki help karne vaalie sansthayen hain…unke address phone number bata dete hain…chalo done…chal boli laga, goti phaink be

• Pehle problem create karo but treat ho jaayegi na

• Accha sun, main ghusa maar raha hoon aur thodi stabbing karoonga tujhpar but too kis state ka hai, haryana…haan yeh le haryana ke best ghoosa and stabbing treatment clinic ke phone number…

• Uncle meri aapke bete se ladaai ho gayi hai toh aaj main aap ke ghar pe aag lagane aaya hoon…yeh baaltiyan aur pipe main khareed laaya hoon, main nalke pe laga deta hoon…tab tak aap “aag,aag,bachao,bachao” chillane ki practice kar lo

• Btw, Yeh pehle hota thha…gaming ko ban karna?

• I’m not talking Apne gali mohalley vaali 3-patti jo hamare mamaji chalate thhey …ya even matka

• Aur pehle…voh vaala jo duryodhan ke mamaji ne popularize kiya

• Chausar ne kitni problems create kee hain historically speaking…

• Books likhi gayi hain, tv shows bane hain chausar ke ill-effects dikhaane ke liye…Wars ladey gayey thhey…

• Kya ek time pe “chausar11” hota thha?

• Aur phir jab chausar11 got out of control - 

• players ka jo man Karey daav pe laga dete thheey…

• Did they try and ban chausar…create a ‘chausar police’

• Going mahal to mahal…chhaapey maartey hue…

• oy, band karo iss chausar game…

• Zapt kar lo inkey yeh (shakuni style play with dice)

• We dont want a repeat of what happened up there in hastinapur

• Yeh online gaming companies - jo ki 1000s of crores ki value rakhti hain - they won’t just disappear…

• maybe jaisey dream11 kuch maheeney shaant ho jaayegi…

• Abhi se “steps” uthaane shuru kar diye hain apni company Bachane ke liye…

• ok paisey vaali gambling band kar dete hain, we will pivot to free games…

• What? Like Ludo11…akkad-bakkad11…arey arey paisey vaapas jaib mein rakhiye 11

• But thats not how greed works!!

• Agar aap sochtey ho sites like dream11 will stop being who they really are…aap fantasy game mein jee rahe ho…aur agar fantasy game mein Jeena hi hai toh login to dream11 na!

• Voh delhi ke dogs court case jeet ke sab vaapas aa gaye na…people tried but nothing changed…

• just like that iss gambling doggie ki tale bhi seedhi nahi hogi

• These people dont wanna change…

• you’re thinking par phir Kaisey yeh companies paisa banati reh sakti hain… apne original business ko bacha sakti hain ab…and I’ll tell you…

• Step number 1

• Poori company uth ke jaayegi…

• aur india ke bahar kisi country mein apna head office bana legi

• Maybe like Dubai…or russia…Jahan ke bhi laws idhar udhar kiye ja sakte hon…aaj kal ka amreeka!

• Basically you can set anywhere Jahan se VPN ki taar aaram se dal jaaye…

• I know VPN sab ko pata nahin hoga kya hota hai…kisi bhi online gambler se pooch lena

• Step 2: they’ll change their name…ek dum ke kisi ko pata hi na chale ke yeh voh same company hai jo ban ho gayi thhee…

• That was dream11…this is dream11 based in vlodivostok, russia…we have branches in Moscow, saint petersburg and very soon in Ukraine…wink!

Cockroaches in AI san francisco to mumbai flight

• Air India ki san francisco to mumbai flight mein cockroach mile

• Logon ne complaint kee aur kuch logon ke liye flight attendants ne seats change kar deen, great!

• Cockroaches ki vajeh se complaint kar di?  Hum ek apartment building mein rehte hain…

• Cockroaches would have made me feel right at home!

• In fact  I would have said to the flight attendant, excuse me, when we reach 40000 feet, can you guys start cooking fish without turning on the exhaust fan…(sniff - ahhh noyantar aunty 6th floor vaali)

• And have that guy play Punjabi rap on speakers for 4 straight hours…

• Yeah, louder…yeah…

• Teri Ankhan sharabi…tera praah bobby…praah kehnda tu meri bhabhi…

• Minku - upar vaale floor pe…only the smell of marijuana is missing…thats ok!

• and voh 2 bacchey…jo apni seats pe kood rahe hain…can you ask them to come and play cricket right here and shout and for that “ball se ghar ki khidki toot gayi” feeling, ask that big kid to break my spectacles..

•   Ah yes…thank you…oh and one garam doodh please…

• send the cockroaches…ah home!

• Air india pe bahut ungliyan uth rahi hain aaj kal, lots of people watching the airline for any misstep but in this case…

• But in this case, Flight attendants ne sahi actions liye thhye jo media vaale voh report nahin karenge ne…

• Iss flight mein flight attendants ko pata thha ki there were some cockroaches who had boarded the flight in san Francisco and they let the people know in the announcements:

• Listen to these real announcement…wink

• Pre-recorded / airplane ambience - engine sounds

• Namaskar yatriyon, air india ki iss Udaan mein aapka…

• Bend down slightly, spray / hit with chappal) - SOUND OF chappal, SPRAY) 

• Aapka…AAP…KA…swagat hai

• Aapaatkaalin stithi mein aapke liye oxygen mask vimaan ki chhat se latka diye jaayenge…

• Life jacket aapki seat ke neechey uplabdh hain aur zaroorat padne par hit ke cans aapki kursi ki side pocket mein Rakh diye gaye hain

• Agar hit ka chidkaav kaam na Karey toh hamare crew mein aaj doh extra husbands kaam kar rahe hain…cockroach kuchalne ke liye inn husbands ka prayog karne mein sankoch na karein

• Meal service ke dauraan, Khane ki tray milte hi saath mein provide ki gayi lakshman rekha apni tray ke ird gird kheench dein

• Agar aapke khaney mein cockroach Miley toh kripya hit ka prayog na karein…think of them as extra protein

• Agar iss vimaan ko kisi vajeh se water landing karni padti hai toh jahan jahan cockroaches jaayein, aap bhi vahin jaayein….

• These things never die…follow them and you will get home safely…dhanyavad

• https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/mumbai/air-india-hygiene-scare-cockroaches-found-in-san-francisco-mumbai-flight-airline-responds/articleshow/123089335.cms

Australia lawyer - AI errors

• Australia ke ek lawyer ne admit kiya hai ki usne court mein ek murder case ladtey hue AI use kiya jiski vajeh se galtiyan huin

• Btw, iss lazy lawyer ka naam rishi nathwani…karo beta, naam roshan karo…yahan toronto mein hum ghar se nikalte hue apna best brown face and foot forward rakhtey hain aur yeh australian lawyer….

• Judge ko shak tab hua jab lawyer bola melord, here’s the security footage of this gentleman walking into the bar and pulling out a knife…

• Now here’s that same murder footage restyled as a 3D video set in a tropical jungle - grrrrr

• Here’s the murder in the form of a Japanese anime cartoon…hahaha…

• And here’s the murder if the knife was not a knife and instead was a banana…

• Now, that’s a delicious murder weapon…peel the weapon, peel your body…ha ha

• AI - or as its known in Australia - oye oaye…oye oaye…

• The use of AI was confirmed when the lawyer kept saying…

• Melord, this guy is the murderer and that blood soaked knife proves it…good murder, bad murder, edit murder, share this murder…

• Judge bola - are you using oye oaye for your case?

• Melord, just a sec…

• Oops, something went wrong

Trump is a Haivaan!  That's not us saying that...that's the TRIDEV PROPHECY...yes...paap se dharti fatee...that Tridev!...and the saddest town in India - BLACK & WHITE PUR!

• Eyelash mites (nypost) - 

• I recently found out through this news ki ham sab ki eyelashes…palkein…eyelashes mein mites rehte hain, microorganisms called mites khelte koodte, palte badtey hain…

• This will severely affect bollywood songs…

• (Cut to - black and white scene)

• romantic hero walks into scene (PALKON related song…”

• Teri palkon ko dekh ke uaighhhh….teri palkon ko dekh ke uaighhhhh….(MITE pic pops up each time he does ‘uiaghhh’ - vomit sound - SOFT-not over - to replace romantic garden pic) 

• “teri palkon ki chhaon mein deep cleaning ki zaroorat hai…I’m serious, please go to a doctor, infection ho gaya hai…………

• B and w filter

Mumbai Stands Out In Global Colour Palette Study With Shades Of Urban Heritage 

https://www.freepressjournal.in/mumbai/mumbai-stands-out-in-global-colour-palette-study-with-shades-of-urban-heritage

• Did you know world ki cities ki colour ke hisaab se ranking hoti hai…

• No its not white people, brown people, black people - thats something else and I cant talk about that here…amreeka… 

• but the architechture…

• Mumbai aur jodhpur world ki top 20 colourful cities mein shaamil ki gayi hain

• Great…but…

• Yaar as usual, 

• (Emo music)

• black and white-pur ko koi award nahin milta…

• (Quick) > WITH EMO MUSIC > 

• Black and white pur ki holi imagine karo…there’s no “rang barse”…they dont even call it holi in this town…they call it march water festival

• Bacchey crayons ke packet kholte hain toh it contains 3 colours, black, white and disappointment.

• On top of everything, black and white pur main accidents itne hotey hain kyonki red lights ka koi meaning nahin hai!…

• (IN CAR, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE) >

• Old movie style TALKING / nasal / add studio echo / 

• arey arey, grey light hai, ruk jao…kya kar rahi ho…

• Ok, chalo bhi, light kab ki grey ho gayi light, chalo!

• Oh madam, kahan ja rahi thhee, dikhta nahin grey light hai…chalaan katega

• 
  

• Yeh lo…dhyaan se chalao aur haan light grey ho tabhi nikalna

Travellers no longer have to remove their shoes during security screenings at U.S. airports

https://www.ctvnews.ca/business/article/removing-shoes-at-us-airports-may-soon-be-a-thing-of-the-past/

• This is our vichaar on “America shamerica”

• US ke airports pe security checks hotey thhey toh travellers ko jootey utaarne padtey thhey…now they are saying jootey utaarne ki zaroorat Nahin hai

• Deadpan - “kyonki ab roz pocha lagta hai”

• (With pic of someone mopping airport floor)

• Play (Quick button) - “America shamerica!” (Usa anthem intro included)

RAW SHOW NOTES: June - July 2025

Fake embassy being run by Ghaziabad man from rented home busted, fancy ‘diplomatic’ cars seized 

Ghaziabad mein police has nabbed A guy named Harshvardhan Jain…

Because he was running a fake embassy

Yeh jain sahab, pretend kar rahe thhey ke yeh kuch countries ke ambassador hain…fake ambassador, fake embassy for fake countries like Westarctica, Saborga, Poulvia, Londonia.

• Um…londonia?!

• wait, but meri wife toh har weekend londonia jaati hai apni company ki conferences…ke liye…

• In fact she’s there right now…I’ll call her…

• (Ringing, insert ‘phone’ sound effect on audio, very low or get phone answered unclear replies)

• Hi baby, how’s londonia?

• Yeah, good, yaar yeh news mein keh rahe hain londonia asli country nahin hai…

• Yeah, yeah, I know, what nonsense…

• Fake news hai, yeah, had kar di hai media ne aaj kal…

• I know, yeah… tumne mujhe londonia se gifts la ke diye thhey last month…the shirt - wrinkled style vaali, thodi chhoti thhee aur tumne kaha thha ki wrinkled aur button missing hona londonia mens fashion ka latest trend hai, black shoes kitne mehenge vaale, 2 size chhotey thhey but who cares its the thought that counts aur voh bathrobe…jab maine poocha thha ki bathrobe ke andar tag pe paradise hotel, bengaluru likha hai toh tumne kaha thha unki branch londonia mein bhi hai…

• Yeah that one…ahahahahahahah….ha ha ha ha ha ha….FADES…yeah…

• (Awkward silence)

• Accha suno forget everything, main tumhe airport lene aa raha hoon, flight kitne baje hai?

• Der hogi trip se lautne mein…kyonki tumhe boss suddenly poulvia bhej raha hai…

**********************

WEEKLY CRICKET WEAKLY:

Boring, boring india chants

• This is our new segment - weekly cricket weakly…this may be done weekly but will definitely be the weakest cricket analysis you’ve seen - so, honestly not for real cricket fans

• India vs england test matches chal rahe hain England mein

• Ek aadh match mein india thodey dheerey batting kara raha thha…took…took…

• England ka crowd pareshaan ho gaya and they started chanting

• “Boring, boring, india”

• That’s your creativity with the chants!

• BBC!  Boring boring chants!

• oy England, do better chants, like this country-mate of yours!

(CROWD AMBIENCE / 

stand up each time / 

Use WIG for DRUNK GUY WITH PLASTIC CUP of BEER in HAND)

• Oy india, you’re as boring as watching a test match…yeah (to friend)

• You’re boring like British food…how is that possible after ruling your nation for 200 years…we didnt bring back spices…British cuisine is an insult to cuisines everywhere, no one cares for it, no one likes, its boring and so are you…high five mate.

• The British raj left india in 1947 and left behind the boring part…well, they looted, plundered, destroyed the culture and then left the boring…there…is that the boring you’re using out there today…

• Wha? Too much history?  I’ll change it up.

• Boring, boring, like attending a tea party in Manchester and them serving tea…its 9am, where’s the beer?

• I’m so bored, exactly like I am when my doctor tells me I have a drinking problem or when the police officer tells me I have a drinking problem or when Julia tells me “its a tea party…there’s no beer…stop asking for my phone number…I’m gonna tell my sister…who’s your wife…

• Oy, I’m so bored…exactly like me wife when I tell ‘er I love ‘er

• You’re as boring as…I’m gonna go get a pint, you want one?

“The (only) 5 ways CRICKET can succeed in AMERICA!”

From Fat Players to Jhagdaloo Coaches…5 Ways T20 Cricket can succeed in USA!

5 Ways T20 Cricket can succeed in America! (Hint: Fat Players to Jhagdaloo Coaches…5 Ways T20 Cricket can succeed in America!

T20 can be US craze like yoga and Bollywood weddings

AND MAYBE INCLUDE OLYMPICS CRICKET HEADLINE from PERTH NOW

Politeness, nicknames, fitness, food, umpires/coaches

• Agar main kisi American se poochhoon - do you know cricket? Toh javaab aayega…“oh yeah! Its kinda like baseball…but 5 days long…and isnt there a lunch and tea time

• I’m not saying saare Americans yeh bolenege…about 99% 

• but definitely 100% of the gorey loag bolenge

• Cricket ke baare mein americans ko ya toh nahin pata ya galat salat pata hai 

• Which is why people are saying T20 America mein jam sakta hai…

• Fast paced…3-4 Ghante lagte hain game complete hone mein…Americans will like that 

• NO!  Thats not enough!  

• US mein MLC hai which is like IPL ka cousin…

• the cousin who works in the US but Hamesha darta hai ki kisi bhi din deport kar denge

• They’re hoping ki T20 will become popular in the US just like yoga and weddings

• Achha.  weddings.

• Americans like Indian weddings because of the gold and the dresses and the spectacle…for about 10 minutes…

• Jab unhe pata chalta hai ki the wedding is like a 5 day test match voh interest lose kar dete hain aur tea time Mein kishak lete hain

• Americans will like T20 like yoga…

• NO!  Yoga is only liked by white American ladies…

• …of the big cities… in fancy studios where the instructor can say 

• “focus on your breathing during shavasana…and excellent session….ok guys see you next week…

• hey Cathy, great job with the padmasana today and your bhujangasana is getting better…remember breate and be the cobra…

• Oh fyi next month’s fees is due tomorrow…ok namaste!

• 
  

• Dekho bhaiya, I have done research on this…USA mein T20 cricket, baseball ki jagah le sakta hai!

• basketball aur khaskar  American football (helmet vaala) jitna popular kabhi nahin hoga

• But Most logon ko pata nahin hoga ki baseball - the american game - downward trend pe hai…

• T20 cricket baseball ki jagah le sakta hai

• but with a few adjustments…taaki Americans ko cricket mein familiarity dikhe

FIRST - politeness chhodd do!

• American culture se compare karo toh, Cricket is too polite, too gentalmenly…

• Voh England ke test matches mein…especially lord’s cricket ground pe…

• Morning, quite an interesting match we are witnessing 

• Ah yes quite

• Not more interesting than your multi coloured tied

• Ah thank you you’re very kind

• Oh pish posh you are the definition of kind…

• NO!  DONT DO THAT IF YOU WANT cricket to succeed in America…

• That formality is unamerican!

• SECOND, nicknames!!

• Cricket player nicknames … hitman, king kohli, boom boom bumrah, now prince shubhman gill 

• Sab raja maharaja cool dudes…

• sabko chane ke jhaad pe chada rakha hai…

• Those jhaads dont grow in America!

• Baseball mein dekho kya nicknames hotey hain…

• this player is cal raliegh…his nickname- THE BIG DUMPER…why? Because he has a big ass!

• This guy - Pete Alonso - his nickname is POLAR BEAR why because he is white and big…overall, not just the back side

• Iska nickname - kung fu panda because he is big like a panda

• Yeh matt adams - nickname - the big city…because he is big

• Yes saare nicknames player ke size pe hain but

• The point is cricket mein nicknames zyaada respectful aur honour karne vaale hain…

• Americans ke liye - tu famous hoga apne jhaad pe…chhodd do yeh british dharohar called politeness

• …be rude, be american!

• Americans are rude…thank you bolo toh kya bolte hain…mmm-hmm

• Try it out sometime bolna thank you, bolenge mmm-hmmm

• Aur Americans thank you Kaisey boltey hain? …they dont

• That brings me to #3 - fitness…

• Jaise kehte thhey na, angrez chale gaye, angrezi chhodd gaye…

• Just like that virat kohli chala gaya, fitness chhodd gaya

• Cricket players are too fit

• Americans are fat (SHOW NEWS ARTICLE)

• Thats despite ozempic being so cheap

• And they want their athletes to look like them

• I suggest kuch Indian players motey ho jaayen toh Americans ko ek connection lagega

• Guys like Akash deep and arshdeep Singh - pakoray khilao inko, 

• pooriyan, French fries…and then you can be Akash deep fried and arsh deep fried 

• Rishabh tight pant

• Nitish kumar reddy to eat

• Ravindra jadeja ko continuously weght gain karna padega so that his America nickname can be Ravindra badeja…

• You guys are too fit…over fit…

• KL Rahul - thats so bad…sounds like Kale Rahul…no…dont take him to the USA

#4 tareeka to popularize T20 in america - STADIUM FOOD

I’m not kidding about Americans being fat as a society…look at what is offered in their stadiums…

Seattle ke stadium mein - corn aur honey aur cheese se Bhara hua…WHAT UP CORN DOG

I’ll tell you what up…my cholesterol.

San Diego ke baseball stadium mein…Helmet mein banana bread pudding…

Baseball helmet mein dessert!

cricket helmet ke aagey grill lagi hoti hai…dont even talk to me unless its a bar and grill

Texas ke stadium mein 2 foot lamba burrito…8 inch aur jod do aur aap isse batting kar sakte ho…

Cricket needs to catch up to this…aspire to this to please Americans!

#5 UMPIRES and coaches… 

cricket umpires are too slow…!!  They dont contribute to the action

 Kisi ko out dena hai toh cricket umpire karta hai…(raising finger slowly / MECHANICAL SOUND ADDED /

ARM GETS STUCK and then works eventually)…

This is how a baseball umpire calls a strike… (VIOLENT strike 3 CALL)

Jaise light phir chali gayi aur yeh purana generator saala bahut problem deta hai so I’m gonna use my karate skills…

Coaches…

Cricket coaches need to fight…

LOOK AT WHAT BASEBALL COACHES DO:

(VIDEO of baseball coach/ump)

What are you saying? You’re wrong ump? 

Because baseball coaches, all American sports coaches fight…face into face

Gambhi paviliion mein Baith ke gaaliya de raha thha pichley test match mein…

Match mein umpire kuch karta hai toh pavilion ki balcony mein nahin, the coach needs to be on the field…fighting…

(Gambhir): oy, kya kara raha hai yeh umpire…

(I run off cam > sounds of running, doors, stairs, running on field > then appear on cam PANTING)

“Out thha!  Out thha! Hey are you blind?!  That was clear LBW umpire…

How could you give it not out, phir 3rd umpire ne out bhi out nahin Diya…

Arey toh complain to the 3rd umpire…

Abey ab main poora upar jaaoon…

Hey 3rd umpire…

(3rd umpire signal and middle finger)

Pharrell Williams brings India and Beyoncé to Louis Vuitton’s Pompidou runway

• India ne sadiyon se duniya ko cheezein dee hain…things that are really helping the world!

• like yoga

• Kuch cheezein india se le ke, bigaad di gayi hain

• Like yoga becoming goat yoga and bunny yoga and kitten yoga and puppy yoga or dog yoga or doga!

• Doga hamari galiyon mein hota thha…oy yeh kutta stretch kar raha hai…peechey padega

• Ek aur bahut important cheez jo India se chheeni ja rahi hai…FASHION

• big fashion brands are being “inspired” by India…

• Prerit ho rahe hain indian kapdon se aur phir 500 rupay ka item 5000 mein Bech rahe hain

• This dude is pharell…famous American singer…inka probably sabse famous song…

• 
  

• “Because I’m happy, clap along if you feel like a room with-out a roof…

• Because I’m happy, clap along iff you feel like happiness is the truth

• Because I’m happy, clap along if you know what happiness is to you

• Because I’m happy, clap along if you feel like thats what you wanna do

• 
  

• So, you know…that…pharell

• Well pharell happiness to me is people not stealing stuff from India like you and Louis Vuitton have done

• Pharell aur Louis Vuitton ne recently ek fashion show kiya…with clothes inspired by India…

• Kapdey, sandals, even bejewelled cricket jerseys…

• Cricket jerseys…with jewels on them…

• Kyon BCCI to naye idea de rahe ho…

• Agle world cup mein yeh dikhne vaala hai…

• “And heres bumrah, the first ball…and oooh, oh no, a gold pendant from his own jersey has struck bumrah in the eye…

• Well the world cup wasnt going to work anyway because of the security guards next to each player to protect the jewellery

• Louis Vuitton Vaalon ne iss fashon show mein models ke chalne ke liye jo set banaya…you know the ramp…

• Inspired by Saanp seedhi…take a look…

• Gucci vaalon ne kaha hai ki voh peechey nahin rahenge 

• aur apna agla show ludo ke set pe karenge…

• Welcome to the 2025 gucci fashon show inspired by the beauty of India…

• And here is the first model wearing…

• Wheres the model…guys wheres the first model…

• Sir, voh Bahar nahin aa rahi…kisi ne 6 nahin chala abhi

• https://www.gqindia.com/content/pharrell-williams-draws-inspiration-from-india-to-sign-his-most-accomplished-collection-for-louis-vuitton

• Lets take a look at this India inspired fashion…

• Mujhe yeh photos Louis Vuitton ki website se mili…

• Like this guy…yeah clealy inspired by India…

• This is the “doodhwale uncle relaxing at home” look…

• Or maybe inspired by…everyone’s bandhu…

• The fashion show was attended by jay-z…you may know him as jay-Zed…jay-zed ki wife mrs. Beyonce Zed…

• And many other American and European celbrities…

• Kuch missing laga raha hai “india inspired fashon show mein”…kya missing hai…kya missi…

• Ah yes, they forgot Indian people…

• Where’s Karan Johar?  Where’s ranveer - whichver one is the fashionable ? How about using a local cricket player from India to model the jewelry vaali cricket jersey?

• Indian Banda ek bhi nahin thha…indian culture ko bandi bana rakha hai but banda ek bhi nahin hai

• (Kya, taaliyan baj rahin hain iss line pe…banda bandi bolne ke liye…award de rahe hain…ok show ke baad)

• Thats called cultural appropriation pharell…you know…sanskritik viniyog

• Everyone knows sanskritik viniyog

• And you sir are a sansritik viniyogi

• Yo pharell…yeh india ki saanp-seedhiya hai, agar gucci vaale ludo ka set lagatey hain toh voh india ki chausar hai…

• Chausar is ludo right, I think 

• Aur yeh india ke traditionally funny striped kacchey hain jinhe sadiyon se hum taar pe sookta dekh hum hastey hain aur imagine karte aaye hain ki oh, Prateek ke papa elastic vaale prefer nahin kartey

• I guess I shouldnt complain too much…I;’ve taken American fashion and used it and I love it!

• (Chubby indian guy - my face added - wearing America underwear - nothing political)

Delhi - no petrol for old cars, cops posted at petrol stations

• Delhi govt ne ek controverial rule vaapas le liya hai…

• Thoda time pehle kehte hain, old cars, older than 10 years old will not get diesel and cars older than 15 yrs old…no petrol for you!  To help the environment, pollution zyaada hota hai puraani gaadiyon se I guess…

• They’ve reversed the position…media keh raha its because public gussa kar rahi thhee…but main bataoon asliyat…

• Weird things were happening…

• Tailors / darjiyon ne sign laga diye thhey…

• no silaai for old pants

• What? How does that help the environment?

• Ek do parlours ne bolna shuru kara diya thha…No pedicure for old feet…

• Arey!  How does that help with pollution?  You’re just discriminating against old people…and they have trouble bending down…

Loag apni Puraani gaadiyon ko chamkaane mein laga gaye thhe just so that when they went to a petrol pump, vahan pe baitha police vaala unki puraani car dekh ke bhaga ne de

Loag wagon-rs ke plastic dashboard pe plastic surgery karva rahe hain…

Indica ke bonat pe botox laga raha hai…

Tank mein bhar bhar ke ozempic daal di…

That doesnt make any sense

The truth behind the change in this decision…govt ko dikha ki police vaalon ko puraani gadiyan pakad ke bhaga dene ke liye petrol pumps pe toh baitha diya…but they were wasting so much time…

Mere friend ke saath hua thhaa ke kissa…wink

• Petrol pump pe…Police vaala saw his car and the police vaala is like…

• yo, that looks more than 10 years old…he’s suspicious…

• 
  

• Pump vaadey bhai…thair ja jara…

• Han bhai Gaadi ke kaagaj dikha de

• Kaagaj ghar pe hain

• Teri Gaadi kaunse san ki hai

• Ji (counting on fingers) san 2016

• Ungliyon pe 2025 se 10 minus kar raha thha!..Chal bahar aa ja bhai

• Bhai sahab kya hua?

• Arey bahar aa ja, car ki condition ka analysis aur judgement hogi…

• (Squeaky door opens)

• arey Gaadi ka darvajja toh koi purnai gaatha suna raha hai…

• Dekh bhaiy, Honest ho raha hoon, teri suruaat acchi nahin hui

• Nahin voh kuch maheeney se oil nahin kiya…

• Jung laga hua hai yahan side pe?

• Jung…I think mitti jam gayi hai…main off roading karta hoon

• And actually voh off roading ka shaukeen hai

• Paint ukhad raha hai?

• Dhoop itni hai na sir, kabhi sardi, kabhi baarish…

• Hmm, tera IQ ghana tej hai

• Sir, main pass ho gaya toh Gaadi mein petrol bharva loon

• (Slow/suspicious) Haan, ja

• He he thank you sir

• (Squeaky door)

• Bye sir

• Bye…arey sun?

• Jee?

• Jara horn bajaiyo

• Jee?

• Horan baja de ek baar?

• (PLAY DHOOM - self recorded)

Scotland seagulls

Scotland ke loag seagulls se pareshaan aa gaye hain…

These birds are attacking people…

Itni seagulls, itni seagulls…kaisey bhagayen inn seagulls ko?

All I’m saying is, next time aap Scotland ke   kisi bhi KFC mein Khao, toh dhyaan se khana

(Chicken/feather pic, the rest name changed from KFC to KF’S’)

South Korean woman fined for pulling down male colleague's trousers

• South Korea mein ek lady ko uske workplace pe fine kar diya gaya kyon?

• Kyonki usne apne ek male coworker ki pant utaar di

• I dont judge, maybe its the south korean culture…

• But my question- why a fine?  

• Job se Nikaala nahin, fine kar diya

• And how much?

• Pant kitni neeche kheenchi uske hisaab se?

• The news said pulling down…how much…that we dont know!

• Pull down to doctor Saab teeka laga rahe hain level

• Pull down, sitting on the toilet level

• Ya pull down ghar pahunch Gaye, 2 Ghante se khujli ho rahi hai level…

• Uss lady ko company ke human resources ke boss ne bulaya…

• Ah yes, Kim, I heard about the incident where you pulled down jeong’s pants…

• Oh yes I’m sorry, it was because 

• Oh haha, no one cares about the reason Kim, 

• This is a picture of jeong, we took the photo yesterday when he came to complain…

• please point to the level to which you pulled down jeong’s pants…

• Oh you look scared, no…think of this as office squid games

• Ignore the squid, play this game…

• So…

• The level you pulled the pants down to…

• Upper thigh, lower thigh, just above knee, just below knee, ankle, below angle and last…jeong had been itchy for 2 hours and wanted you to take a look

• Ankle…ooh ok, you will have to pay…oh hey we have a discount today on ankle level pant pull downs…

• So only 10000 won…

JULY 13th - record 2 short thoughts

OR ‘crocs’ and ‘kohlapuri vs Prada’ can be part of vichaars

• UAE musical speed breaker - short thought

A classical drive: Road rumble strips play Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony in UAE emirate of Fujairah

https://apnews.com/article/uae-fujairah-road-beethoven-ninth-symphony-b1991f9afacb7445f9277fe8ac659ff0

DOWNLOADED from YT - mark 3:20 onwards is the rumble strip tune

• UAE ke ek highway ko musical bana diya gaya hai

• This is a 1km stretch on a highway in Fujairah, UAE

• Cars jab yeh side ki white rumble strips pe se guzarti hain toh yeh sunaai deta hai…

• (PAUSE for clip)

• Famous composer Beethoven ki 9th symphony

• 
  

• Beethoven bechara famous composer 1827 se upar baitha hai…

• 
  

• Apne assistant se pooch raha hai…

• 
  

• Zis raamble strip on za side of za highway

• Oh yeah, so great, congratulations 

• 
  

• Oh so zis is a big honour

• 
  

• Oh biggest honour sir…

Vell, zat is good news…

• 
  

• They wanted to use Anu Malik’s song but he said 

• 
  

• “I dont let others copy my music”

• 
  

• Oh ok, ya zat anu malik is crazy…east or west India may be best but Beethoven is king in fujairah

• 
  

• Neechey se music aa raha hai…main jab delhi ki rumble strips ke upar drive karta hoon toh alag hi music sunaai deta hai - bh..ains…ki…aankh… (SHAKING)

• Kyon inhoney kiya ki sadak se music bajey?  

• 
  

• To warn drivers?  Bahut jagaon pe highways ki side pe yeh rumble strips hoti hain…

• Mountain highways pe - like here in fujairah

• kisi koh neend aa rahi ho, jhapki le raha ho toh , rumble strips ki Dhaad Dhaad se uth jayega 

• But musical rumble strips?  Especially if someone is a fan of classical music!

• Isnt that dangerous?  

• (Play Beethoven…SWERVING and sleeping, but smiling…and enjoying and gaye neeche!)

• 
  

• To calm drivers down - koi rash chala raha ho toh classical music sun ke shaant ho jayega…

• no because they say proper tune tab pata chalti hai jab inn strips pe se speed se jao, 

• So no shanti, no calming down with classical music, 100 ki speed se niklo…

• 
  

• Kam pe niklo toh it’ll probably sound like aapne apne monu ko gubbarey vaale se pehli baar baja khareed ke diya hai 

• Monu laga hua hai…painnn…painnn…voh laga rahega jab tak voh prove nahin kar deta ki having monu was a mistake!

• 
  

• Did they put in the musical rumble strips kyonki UAE ke paas kuch zyaada paisa hai…enough ki voh waste kar sakein…

• 
  

• Yes…but they say its for culture…world ka culture, music…apne citizens mein culture spread kar rahe hain

• 
  

• This is pretty cool…although I wonder Kaisey kiya hoga…koi technology use kee hai sadak ke andar?

• 
  

• Ya har strip ke neechey ek gaddha hai jisme ek aadmi Khada hai…ek sur bajane ke liye

• 
  

• Just one musical note…

• 
  

• Voh dekhta hai Gaadi aa rahi hai…

• 
  

• Ready ho jata hai…

• 
  

• (EXTENDING BAJA

• in mouth, looking at when car is approaching)…

• (plays note …CAR DRIVING BY…and is very proud and tired and looking for the next car)

• 
  

• (Happy / looks into next gaddha)

• 
  

• Aagey ke gaddhey vaale se pooch raha hai…

• 
  

• Tera kaisa thha..tera (“painn”) baja thha?

• 
  

• Haan theek thha, par voh (“higher pitch painn) vaala toh aaya nahin aaj…

• 
  

• The tune is “re ga ma pa sa NI dha pa”

• 
  

• The ni called in sick today

• 
  

• Abey yaar, kya unprofessionalism hai!

• 
  

• Guys, doosri sadkon pe agar hamein future mein musical speed breakers ki jobs milni hain toh saath mein…

• 
  

• Mainey kal apna CV update karke (“skilled in PAINN likha hai

• 
  

• This is embarrassing 

• 
  

• Voh jo gaadi chala ke gaya voh ghar ja ke google pe review likh raha hai

• 
  

• “Went over Fujairah rumble strips…music was not up to par…we couldnt hear the “ni”…

• But as is true with any innovation, paisa banane vaale pehle aa jaayenge…

• 
  

• Instead of rumble strips, Gurgaon or gurugram…vahan kya ho raha hai…

• 
  

• gaddhon ko musical kar rahe hain

• 
  

• Jab tak roads fix nahin hoti, lets make them bearable…

• 
  

• but here’s he thing Gurgaon aisey hi toh smart, millenium city nahin hai na…

• 
  

• They are selling ads in those musical gaddhas

• 
  

• We have a video!

• 
  

• (Video of a car going thru series of gaddhas…SPEED UP VIDEO, add ROAD AMBIENCE - CAR HORNS

• and pre-record “NIRMA”

• 
  

• nirma…nirma…iske…jhaag…ne jaadoo…kar diya…

• PAUSE

• …daag acche Hain…kuch meetha ho jaaye…cadbury…vajradanti…vajradanti…vicco vajradanti…vicks gi goli lo…FADE OUT

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

JUNE 4, 2025:

Mo: aaj main kin-kin samachaaron pe vichaaroonga

karan Johar, swiggy ki ship, canadian aunty kuttey se haar gayi, teenagers ko sone do, and French open tennis report

But first…

• UK ke airports se jis airline ke departures mein sabse zyaada delays hote hain…air india!

• Let me talk to England…um…(BOW)

• Oy England, tumhe air india ke delays se problem ho rahi hai…there india se tumhara departure 200 saal delayed thha…

• tumhe air india je paune ghante se problem ho rahi hai?!

• Problem kya hai na ki - boarding ke time pe har kadam pe koi staff member keh raha hai hota hai

• “enjoy the flight, cheers” saare mud ke dekhne lag jaate hain…free bar hai aas paas?  Sab rook rook ke dekh raha hain…line aagey nahin badti…

NORWAY - cargo ship in man’s backyard - 

• Norway mein ek bhai sahab subah uthey toh dekha ki unkey garden mein ek cargo ship khadi hui thhee

• Aap dinner swiggy ki ship se mangaaoge toh voh ghar tak toh aayega na!

• Voh bechara ship ka captain kitne islands pe ruk ruk ke…bhaiya yeh norway kis taraf padega

• Usko tip dene ki bajaaye complaint kar rahe ho…

• I see the shahi paneer…but I dont see the nan…

• Oh ho, naan bhool gaye…peeche le bhai…

• (BACK UP BEEP and BUS backing SEETI)

9 minute ovation at cannes - Karan Johar film

Great indian filmmaker Karan Johar ki film homebound ko France ke cannes film festival mein 9 minute ka standing ovation Mila…

Cans? Cannes?  Can …I dont know but yeah  he got a 9 minute ovation!  Wow!

So?! I gave him a 29 minute standing ovation for student of the year 2…

Oh wait, no sorry, that was me walking home during interval…(clapping hard) yaar iss picture pe kyon paise barbaad kiye…yaar…

By the way - 9 minute tak taali bajana aaj tak issey pehle maine 3 hi jagah suna thaa…

Dhoni ki batting aa gayi…gidda…ya singing happy birthday to someone with a really long name…

Happy birthday…dear Santosh Venkata Rama Naga Butchi Anjaneya Satya Krishna Vijay gopalakrishnan…BREATH…happy b’day to you…

• Vancouver, canada mein ek lady ko kutte ne kaat liye…

• lady ne case darj kiya but court ne kaha ki tumhe koi compensation nahin milega kyonki every dog is allowed to bite once

• Court ke documents se mujhe inn sabke naam pata chale - naam hain ying shen, polo aur Juliet…can you guess the name of the dog?  Teenon hi Kutton ke naam lag rahe hain…

• This is such a weird case - Aisa bhi koi law hai…ho sakta hai…Mera ek friend court mein kaam karta hai…usne mujhe yeh picture bheji hai

• (Dog court image)

• Kanoon ke paws lambe aur kitne cute hotey hain…

• Kaun lega tareekh pe tareekh…!

FRENCH OPEN TENNIS REPORT - 

• Sabka dhyaan IPL pe hai but hamara show aapko baaki important global level sports ki news se bhi aware karata hai…

• French open tennis chal raha hai…kahin aur hamse zyaada complete coverage nahin milegi aapko…

• Serious tennis news, analysis, saare aankdey, andar ki saari baat - sirf baat is your problem par…

• hamari French open reporter Jhulie Paris mein live maujodd hain…bonjour Jhulie, please give us your report!

(TENNIS BUTTON)

Ah, merci Jhulie…loag sahi kehte hain french is such a beautiful language…ha ahhhh!

Arey by the way Jhulie French reporter, France mein…Karan Johar bhi Abhi France mein thhey…Maine Jhulie se poochna thha…yeh Cannes ko proper French tareekey se pronounce kaise karte hain…

Jhulie?

(TENNIS BUTTON)

Aah…I was close!

TEENS who sleep longer have better brain function - study (CTV)

• Ek study…research aayi hai..pata chala hai ki jo teenagers zyaada sote hain…unka brain better function karta hai…

• Kaunsi duniya mein jee Rahe Hain hum…this is like an alternate universe…

• We have a picture of the scientists - jinhoney yeh research ki hai…

• (IMAGE OF couple 14 year olds in lab coats)

• Saari parenting strategy change hogi ab… 

• Mom: “ashish, subah ke saadhe gyaarah bja gaye hain…so jao jaa ke…”

• Suntey ho…Sambhaal lo apne ladkey ko…jab dekho subah 5:30 uth ke exercise, phir nahan dhona aur pooja, 8 bajey gareebon ko khaana baant ke aata hai, aur jab mauka Miley kalmoohi kitaabein…main toh tang aa gayi hoon

• Ashish beta so jao…aur haan aaj raat se tumhara phone raat ko saadhey gyaara se pehle off nahin hona chaahiye…

• Aur?!

• dekho yahi time hai apni body aur mind pe kaam karne ka…

• Meri maano, peena shuru kar do…

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAY 14, 2025:

• Scientists ne ek naya colour discover kiya hai…its called OLO…

• Its a bluish green hue…

• Kya special hai iss colour ke baare 

• Its invisible - you cant see it

We have a sample!

• Scientists ko dikha hai…hamein nahin dikh sakta bina special instruments ke…

• Ok!  5 scientists ne dekha hai

• Aur…hamein nahin dikhega…

• Right! Sure!

• Jaise koi ladka ho…

• (Shaky voice) haan haan hai na meri girlfriend…tumhe nahin dikhegi…special instrument nahin hai tumhaare paas (LIFT UP PHONE)

• NEROLAC PAINTS vaale hain na…unhone socha…ooh, new paint colour…issey lapak lo …yahi mauka hai dulux paints ko beat karne ka…

• Nerolac ke gundey…scientist ko Utha ke le Aaye…

• Paint is a dangerous game…security rakhtey hain yeh loag… 

• Nerolac boss Kehta hai…

• bata kaunsa colour hai…hamein kaise mil sakta hai?

• Scientist - pata nahin…its the same guy!  Scientist ban gaya but still no girlfriend…

• boss: pata nahin? Saale tune hi toh discover kiya 

• Colour ki properties kuch aisi hain ki dikhta nahin hai…

• Boss: par tumne dekha hai…

• Scientist: haan…par tum nahin dekh sakte

• Boss : accha…boys, zara scientist ko hamare crocodile area ki sair kara do…

• Scientist: arey, nahin…no please…

• kyon scientist, tumhare chehre ka rang kyon gaayab ho gaya hai…! Ya hai…aur mujhe hi dikh nahin raha hai!

• Peeto issey jab tak chehre ka rang vaapas na aa jaaye

• Scientist: arey par tum yeh colour bechogey tab bhi koi faayda nahin hoga…no one can see this colour…

Boss: Narang, tum scientist ke lab se yeh naya rang le aao…

• Nerolac boss ne narang ko naya rang se rhyme karne ke liye hi rakha thha…you know in the tradition of Michael and cycle and mona and sona…

• Narang vaapas aa ke boss ko dabba pakdata hai…

• Boss: narang, par yeh dabba toh khali hai…

• Narang: no boss, yeh invisible colour ka paint hai…

• Boss: oh, ahahahah…shabaash narang…ya kahoon…no rang!…

• ha ha ha ha …ab Hamein iss scientist ki zaroorat nahin hai…le jao issey, mere crocodile apni evening snack ka wait kar rahe hain…

• …khali dabba bechenge! Brilliant!

• Hahahahahhahahahahaha!! CONT…

• WE PAUSE…on screen caption: iss karyakram ke praayojak…dulux - hamare paint ke dabbe hain Colour…Full….

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAY 6, 2025:

India to force restaurants to disclose if they use ‘analogue paneer’ in fake cheese crackdown

• FAKE PANEER…india ka saara internet iss story ke peechey pada hua hai…

• And we like to go where the crowd is going…oy kya hoa raha hai…dekhne do yaar…

• Fake ya synthetic paneer bahut time se bik raha hai…I guess ab Indian govt ab keh rahi ki fake paneer becho but bata ke…khulasa kar ke…

• This is a paneer-like thing made from not milk - but vegetable oils, starch, milk solids etc 

You know what it is…

Its a paneer ka remake - and remakes are never as good as the original…

Originally hamare hero ko pata chala thha ki - FAKE THHA PANEER

Then the hero got angry and he set out to show this to the world in…PANEER 2 - paneer Ganda hai

This is paneer 2: good 2 be true!

Ya too cheap to be true - restaurants use karte hain kyonki yeh fake paneer cheap substitute hai…

Internet pe dekho toh saare “youtubers” aur “influencers” bata rahe hain ki fake paneer kaise pechana ja sakta hai…

Man, getouttahere!  Aap batao, yeh real paneer hai ki fake?

I’ll tell you how you can tell the difference…

Paneer aata hai milk se jo aata hai cow se…so go to the source…check out the cow…

Look at this guy…real or fake?

And now this guy…such a showoff..such a…(AUNTY/GV)…FAKE!

By the way they call this fake paneer - analogue paneer!

• Analogue paneer - what is analogue?  Vs digital paneer?

• Why must they use complicated / angrezi names…

• I guess Analogue ki definition hoti hai…similar or comparable to another…

• BUT…

• Kyon yeh loag university English professors se inn cheezon ke naam rakhvaate hain…

"Analogue paneer" denotes a paradigmatic class of dairy products exhibiting a mimetic similitude to the traditional Indian cheese, paneer, yet distinguished by its ontological divergence from the latter through the deployment of non-traditional manufacturing methodologies or substitutional constituents, thereby instantiating a homologous yet discernibly distinct gastronomical entity.

Toh…nakli?

Yes

Thank you professor

Mujhe google karna pad gaya thha… analogue!

Aapko kisi ne bola hota … 

shiela maine yeh naya purse khareeda hai sarojini nagar market se…naya brand hai - “analogue”

Aur yeh  “mimetic similitude” shoes… 

aur inkey liye… substitutional constituents vaali belt…

Wow!

I’ll make it simple…

• Call it - PA-NEAR!

• Its not actual paneer but its nearby! 

• its near paneer…pa-near

• Or FAUX-NEER…or FUNEER - hey he’s cheap fun…just dont enjoy too much!

Or even simpler…

fake paneer is SHOW PANEER - 

ki show ke liye paneer hai, andar kuch aur hi hai…

Vs. Asli paneer is SURE PANEER…

Restaurant mein Sharma family khane baithi hai…

Accha bhaiya, 2 daal makhni, 6 naan aur 2 kadhai paneer…oh and aapka paneer show paneer hai ya sure paneer.,.,

Waiter kehta hai…show

Sure?

Show?

(SLOW and drawn out)…SURE….

Show.

(Close up of eyes, eyebrows, confrontation.,.., western music)

Sure and show back and forth…

Sharma: spelling batao…

Waiter: p-a-n-e-e

Sharma: arey paneer ki Nahin …show ki…ya sure ki…dono mein se Kaunsa sure hai?

Waiter: sorry, not sure…

Government keh rahi hai restaurants ko apne customers ko batana padega ki paneer asli hai ya nakli…

Some restaurants were already doing it - aap hi samajh nahin paaye unki hints aur clues…

Menu ke ek page pe paneer dishes theen like paneer-do-pyaaza and shahi paneer and kadhai paneer

but uskey peechey vaale page pe they had pa-near dishes as well…

 They had paneer-do-sasta and shhhhahi paneer and kadhai sir pe maroonga agar kisi ko bataya ki hum fake paneer Bechtey hain paneer…

Long name but they were telling you…you didnt want to listen because it was cheap!

There was a restaurant — called PANEERZAADE…

had a paneer and pa-near section…seperate sections - like smoking and non smoking…

Ek family aa ke baithi non-paneer section mein toh bacchey na kaha:

Pappa, hum loag voh vaale real paneer section mein Kyon nahin baithtey… 

Nahin mere bacchey voh loag hamse alag hain…

Pappa aap jo iss fake paneer section mein paise bacha rahe ho na, unn paison se main ek din yeh poora “paneerzaade” restaurant khareed loonga…

Vaah mere laal…accha tu apne restaurant mein asli paneer bechega ki nakli ki dono?

Pappa voh toh uss vakt ki govt regulations pe depend karega na, main apne accountants aur lawyers se consult karoonga

Taste bhi matter karta hai…dekhoon kaisa taste hai…let me taste this “paneer fikka”

• We should be allowed to buy fake paneer - if we want!  

• It should be like real branded purses and fake knock-off purses…you can buy real or fake

• Boss ghar pe aa raha hai…use paneer…

• Saas iss haftey phir aa rahi hai…maybe you want to use the ontological substitute…

• Maybe it’ll become a status symbol…yaar, shilpa ko dekho…jab se promotion hui hai coach ka purse , apple ki watch aur asli ka paneer…

The govt says ki restaurants ko batana padega if they use fake paneer…

I dont want that…! 

Sarojini nagar aur palika bazaar ki dukaane jo bechti hain…hum khareedte hain…maal ke price ki baat hoti hai but hum reality se door rehte hain…we dont ask, shopkeepers dont say anything and they definitely dont put up a sign about their “branded” purses and that is why aaj 6 saal baad bhi meri wife apne cooch ke purse se bahut khush hai…jab bhi hum kisi party mein jaate hain toh she loves pairing her COOCH purse with her manish galhotra saree…galhotra is the brother of Manisha malhotra but they had a big fight and they went their own ways….now one has a helicopter landing pad but we dont care about him…

we like galhotra

I dont need neighbours to know main “paneerzaade” ke kaunse section mein kha ke aaya hoon

Restaurants need to disclose - yes for health reasons but there is and should be freedom of choice…

 - jisey khana hai voh khaye…thats up to them…

but also keep it a little …shhhh for my sake…dont put it on a sign in the restaurant… “paneer does not contain paneer”

All you need is a signal…

Sharma family order kar rahi hai…bhaiya, 2 dal makhni, 6 naan aur…(getting ready)…

paneer pasanda…(immediately intently looking at waiter)

Waiter 

(narrow eyes - DO CLOSE UP or later in edit… western theme tune plays)…

(Close up of mouth) 

Haan sir, 2 dal makhni…6 naan…

GULP…quiver, weird lips CLOSE UP…

(hand/body does slow “fake paneer signal”)

(SLO-MO, western showdown, back and forth of Sharma and waiter)

Sudden pause - WAITER SIGNALS

Pushpa under-neck swipe >> “the cow says - mere paas toh nahin aaye thhey…NOOOOOOO!”

Sharma: aaaa…samjha…yaar yeh (pushpa swipe)…cow says nooo…2 plate de do…

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

APR 24, 2025:

• Agar aapka koi nightmare…bura sapna…sach ho jaaye…

• Ya koi horror movie ka scene real life mein aa jaye toh kaise handle karogey?

• America ke Kansas state mein ek bacchey ne Apni babysitter ko bula ke bola…mere bed ke neechey ‘monster’ hai…

• Babysitter ne bacchey ka dil rakhne ke liye bed ke neechey dekha toh actually mein ek aadmi chhupa hua thha…

• Chor thha…he was arrested…

• Yaar yeh toh sirf movies mein dekha Thha…

• mera pehla thought - chor ko bura nahin laga hoga??

• yaar monster bol raha hai baccha mujhe…i have feelings too!

• Quick acting - agar iss babysitter - monster under bed story peh movie banegi toh Usska main scene

• Arey raju, kuch nahin hai bed ke neechey..main dekhti hoon…

• Hmm..dekho …kahan hai monster?

• Voh…voh… toh normal chor hai…

• (Ok for 2 seconds)…ee…chchchchchch…

• Aur iss same movie mein - Quick acting - police vaala jo iss case ko investigate karne aaya hai… 

• Shinde, Yeh baccha jiske bed ke neechey “monster” thha…iss situation ke baare mein 1 baat toh pakki hai…

• This boy will never have back issues kyonki yeh jab soyega, Dari bichha ke…

• POLICE SIREN button

Iss horror scenario ki tarah agar kuch aur Sach ho jaaye toh aapko kaisa lagega…how will you handle it?

For example, aap sach mein, real life main exam de rahe ho aur realize hota hai ki aapne kapdey nahin pehne hue?

Like that nightmare a lot of people have!  How will you handle it?

will you finish the exam or just get up and run?

Depends on a few things right?

Kitna bacha hai exam?  Last ke 2 questions reh gaye…jo hai voh hai…nipta hi leta hoon!

Or maybe…it Depends on which exam…

maths?…chodo exam ko, marks toh aaney nahin hain…apni izzat toh dhak loon

Agar biology ka exam hai to problem khud solve ho jaati…

koi poochey ki …oy kapdey kyon Nahin pehne…

“Written ke baad Practical ke liye ready ho ke aaya hoon”

• The NAAGIN scenario - are you ok with that coming true?

• If you find out your newlywed wife is a naagin, how would you feel and handle the day to day?

• You will have questions right?

• (Appears behind him in snake form - 

• SNAKE SOUND!!)…

• Good morning darling,

• …maine zomato dekh liya…swiggy dekh raha hoon…i dont see a section for snake food anywhere…

• They should have another website for snake food right?  They can call it ssssssssswiggy!

• Wife kehti hai…rakesh…thats rude! 

• just because I’m a snake sometimes…

• tum snake food section dhoon rahe ho … I have feelings too

• Oh, I’m sorry darling, maine tumhari choice toh poochee hi nahee…online khana order karna bhi hai?

• Maybe tum peechey vaale park mein Jaake Khud kuch pakad ke Khana chaahogi…like a buffet?

• Accha, Hamari Anniversary pe? 

• Should I Book a restaurant or just put milk in a bowl?  I can join in … with a straw…

• No, sorry, that depends on which “roop” you have “dhaaran-d”…sorry, I’m so stupid…you’re my first naagin wife na!

• Btw, when do you change your roop…only during bad moods…like can you control it?  

• Agar tum roop change karna control kar sakti ho toh we can save a lot of money on clothes, shoes…

• Ki bhai party mein jaana hai but naye shoes ki zaroorat nahin hai…I’ll go in snake form

Oh, accha, obvious question about saperas…snake charmers…

been baji, you are dancing, should I dance as well…ya main side pe rahoon and thats like your moment to shine…rules kya hain?  

Btw, ok, tumhe suprise dene ke liye main dance lessons le raha hoon…yeh naya dance studio khula hai…

‘Shake like a snake’…They’re really good…

I considered ‘raagas for naagas’ but they were too expensive!

Bacchon ke saath karte hain na…khana kha lo nahin toh Buddha baba uttha ke le jaayega!

That’s a daraavna scenario…for kids…

Agar sach mein ghar ke bahar “buddha baba” Khada ho toh?

I think Bahar buddha baba soch raha hai - yaar main abhi abhi 60 ka hua hoon aur buddha title de diya…

I have feelings too

• my first thought … iss dhamki ke set up mein hi problem hai…the premise is not believeable

• Aap keh rahe ho buddha baba “uthha” ke le jayega…

• A lallu kid will be scared 

• But a smart kid will know - buddha…so, baba is 60… 65+

• He cant lift me up and carry me away!

• Smart Baccha Overweight hua toh aur confident hoga…

There may be questions…

Mummy, aap keh rahe ho buddha baba uthha ke le jayega…

• kya yeh “baba” Hamesha hamare ghar ke bahar khada hota hai ya aap breakfast, lunch aur dinner time pe special bulaatey ho?

• Agar aap kisi ‘baba supply company’ se yeh baba order karte ho toh buddha hi kyon…does this company specialize in senior citizens who can scare children at meal times?

• Aur agar yeh baba hamesha hamare ghar ke bahar khada rehta hai toh mujhe daraa ke gheeya khane pe majboor karne ki bajaye aapne yeh nahin socha ki main police ko phone karoon?

• Aapne kabhi socha ki ‘middle aged baba’ better dhamki hoti…zyaada practical aur scary dhamki hoti because tab main sochta ki haan, middle aged baba hai…issey child scaring and lifting field mein 15-20 saal ka experience hai and unlike buddha baba, middle aged baba does not have arthritis yet…

• Main sochta ki middle aged baba aaram se mujhe uthaa payega even though main thoda chubby hoon

Btw, mujhe personally yeh buddha baba scenario imagine karne ki zaroorat nahin hai…kyonki mere saath ho chuka hai!

• meri mummy bhi saalon tak mujhe aise hi Khana khilaati rahi…but ek din main samajh gaya…

• Maine khidki ke bahar jhaank ke dekha…

• “Mummy, koi buddha baba nahin hai”

• You were lying to me!

• I have feelings too!

• Ja raha hoon main…office ke liye der ho rahi hai…

• Main aap se naraaz hoon…accha koi baat nahin…aap please meri car mein check kar lo, back seat vaala haoo hai ki gaya?

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

APR 20, 2025:

• KFC - chicken, fried chicken, fast food restaurant…

• KFC Vaalon ne ek naya toothpaste banaya hai…

• I’ll let you chew on that for a second…

• Kfc ne naya toothpaste banaya hai…

• So… KFCibaca?

• Old people know what I’m talking about 

• Doosri companies jealous ho rahi hain… yaar yeh KFC toh aaagey nikal gaya…

• Chicken ki saari market inki hai…ab toothpaste…what’s next KFC ki IPL team…Saara stadium chilla raha hai KFC, KFC… and everyone knows IPL crowds love chanting 3  letter team names…

• RCB…CSK…KFC…OMG!

McDonalds is smart…they know KFC ne yeh kyon kiya hai…

Bhai, kfc ka chicken koi khata hai and done…

But Kfc ki toothpaste! toh ghar pe, sink ke paas hafton tak padi rahegi…its advertising…all the time…

Bathroom mein jaate hi…right in your face…KFC…

Toh mcdonalds kya kar raha hai…

McDonalds ke har product mein ‘Mc’ jud jata hai, right?

Mcaloo tikki burger….mcpuff…McFlurry etc…

Now they are thinking about making butter…

They will call it ‘McKhann’.

Actually pehle McDonalds vaale gaadiyan…cars ke business mein jaaney ka soch rahe thha but fir kisi ne kaha ki agar naam ‘McCAR’ rakhenge…toh indian customers khareedenge nahin

• Kya zamaana aa gaya hai…

• when I was growing up…

• Ham market jaate thhey toh

• We had murghas on patakhas and we had monkeys on dant Manjans…

• Ab murgey ki photo mere dental product pe hogi?

• Excuse you?

• I will not accept a murgha on my god damn toothpaste!

• Birds like murgaas, turkeys, eagles belong on patakhas 

• And in weird YouTube songs

• NOT toothpastes…

KFC toothpaste!

Inki pehli ad main imagine kar sakta hoon…

• Deepak brush kar ke ruka hai aur mirror mein dekhta hua smile kar raha hai

• Younger brother Mohan aata hai

• “Bhaiya, aapke daant toh chamak rahe hain…kya raaz hai?”

• Yeh toh meri nayi KFC toothpaste ka kamaal hai Jiska 3 in 1 fomula mere daant chamkata hai, mujhe fresh breath deta hai aur mera dharam bhrasht karta hai..

That’s just honest…the toothpaste will give you clean teeth but a dirty soul!

Soul pe brush nahin kar sakte…

btw soul hota kahan hai,…

• KFC Vaalon ko naya slogan chahiye…

• inki meeting hui thhee ki bhai naya slogan kya rakhein…

Hamse advice maangi hai…wink!

We have the TOP 5 options…

Let me know which one you like:

• KFC toothpaste - “Fried chicken ka taste, but nothing on my waist”

• Kfc toothpaste - murgey ki baang, straight in your mouth

• Ma se chupkar chicken ho khana toh kfc toothpaste hi lana

• Daanton ki dekhbhaal itni swadisht kabhi na thee

• Your tongue will fall in love with your teeth…

• Daant chaattey reh jaogey

• Kfc toothpaste - bhaiya…kukdu-koo…nahin Mohan…ab kahoo kukdu-thoo! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-….

McDonalds cant just sit and focus on food and beverage…aaj ki duniya mein you cant just must find ways of getting into people’s mouths in every way possible

• McDonalds vaalon ki high levels meeting ho rahi hai…

• Wink!

• Dominos Vaalon ne perfume banaya, kfc ne toothpaste bana di hai…what are we doing…

• Guys we need to keep up with this trend of fast food being combined with personal products…

• I need ideas…!  

• (Someone raises hand)

• And rajesh…do not say McFlurry toothpaste…hum toothpaste copy nahin kar sakte!

• Rajesh puts hand down sadly

• Anyone else?

• sir…mcaloo tikki burger…cushions?

• Boss thinks and smiles…

• Sir, mcpuff…long cusion?

• Sir, 6 pc chicken Nuggets…6…cushions?

• Ok great, sab cushions pe atak gaye hain…

• Anyone else…piyush tum yahan se pehle burger king mein kaam karte thhey na?

• No sir, burger Singh

• Aah brilliant, toh tum loag toh copy karne mein experts rahe ho…tum kya sochte ho?

• Sir, I think copy hamein ek traditional product ki karni chahiye…yahan McDonalds pe ham har item ke Aage mc lagatey hain…jaise mcaloo, mcpuff etc…

• Toh hamein apna butter bechna chaahiye…we will called Mckhann

KFC toothpaste dekh lee…

ab Vegetarian gharon mein bacchey roz complaint kar rahe hain…mummy, voh kfc ki toothpaste lao na…

No beta, hum loag vegetarians hain…yeh dekho main tumhare liye kya laayi hoon

Haldiram’s dant manjan…

Aur yeh dekho…

Sagar ratna sambar mouthwash

And…

Tumhara naya brush - bhindi

Thanks mummy!  Veggies rule!

• kfc toothpaste ka price kya hai…

• $13 !! Which is like Rs. 1150!

• Yeah, expensive!

• Delhi mein ek aunty yeh KFC toothpaste Lene gayi, price suna, toh uske totey udd gaye…murgey udd nahin sakte na

• “Bhaiya, kfc ka toothpaste kitne ka diya”

• Behenji, saadhe gyaarah sau ka hai

• Arey bhaiya sahi laga lo na

• Behenji kya karein, murga mehenga ho gaya hai…

• Aapne suna nahin bird flu fail gaya hai…

• Aunty toothpaste ki tube ko Utha ke nihaar rahi hai…upar neeche dekh rahi hai

• Behenji kya kar rahe ho

• Bhaiya, poora toothpaste ka tube toh main afford nahin kar sakti…agar dikh jaaye toh sirf leg piece le loongi

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

APR 16, 2025:

American president Donald trump ne america ka department of education band kar diya hai…

• Main saalon se keh raha hoon…

• Government education pe kyon paisa kharchti hai…

• YouTube pe sab free mein padh sakte hain…

• And obviously YouTube ko trust nahin kar sakte toh kisey trust karoge!

• India mein slogan hai - Beti bacho, beti padhao….

• americans have changed the slogan to - Beta padh ke dikhaao!

• Slogan hamne nahin banaya, 

• hamein iss top secret dept of education memo mein Mila!!

• Agar USA education department hi nahin hoga toh aagey ke american bacchey kya padhenge, kya banenge…

• Saare Paisey vaaley loag ilaaj karvaaney kahan jaatey hain - america!  

• Agar vahan ke doctors padhey-likhey nahin honge to kya hoaga?

• You will need to properly identify aapka doctor kahin american “educated” toh nahin hai…

• I’ll give you an example of an american doctor…in the future…so you can watch out and avoid such doctors…

• SERIOUS THROUGHOUT////

• (Listening and removing stethescope) >> 

• mr Sharma, aapky tummy mein jo ooi hai …

• uskey liye mere paas ilaaj hai

• Nurse, please mr Sharma ki shirt lift kariye…

• Sir, please relax…

• puch!  Bachh!  Theek ho gaya! 

• Mr Sharma

• iss treatment ka course complete karna padta hai toh…

• Bahut zaroori hai ki aapko early morning ek…puch!  Aur raat ko soney se pehle…puch! Mil jaaye…

• Aapki wife kar sakti hain…maybe aap apne neighbour ko bol sakte hain … ya even koi delivery boy aaye toh ussey request kar sakte hain…

• But the treatment must continue!

• Aur agar 2 haftey mein improvement na ho toh please come back

• Mere paas ek aur tareeka hai

• Ek naya aur Experimental treatment hai…

• pfffffffff!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 27, 2025:

IPL ne thookna allow kar diya hai!  Just generally nahin…ball pe…

Ek time pe ball pe thook lagana allowed thha, bowler ball daalne se pehle thodi si spit le ke…ball pe…ball pant pe ragad ke…chmkana

Ham sab school mein famous bowlers ko copy karte thhey, 

match haarna jeetna… who cares!

Shaam tak pant ki backside laal honi chaahiye…lagey ki cricket match khel ke Aaye hain…

phir covid 19 / corona Aaney ki vajeh se cricket mein ball pe thook laganey ko ban kar diya gaya thha…

• Ke bhai thook se virus failega…

• Voh ban…youll be happy to know…all you saliva fans…

• 
  

• iss Baar ke IPL mein hata diya gaya hai…

• 
  

• Kyon hataya ban?  

• 
  

• Famous players ne kaha ban hatao…

• 
  

• bhaiya hamari ball swing nahin kar rahi dhang se…

• Thook lagane se Ball swing karti hai!  

• 
  

• What?!?!  ball swing hoti hai?? 

• 
  

• Thook se?!

• 
  

• Tabhi!  Kal mainey Apna pillow cover dhoney ke liye utara aur washing machine ki taraf phainka toh yeh swing kar kitchen mein pahunch gaya!

I love cricket and the IPL but Saara kuch perfect nahin ho sakta…

IPL match on karte hi sabse pehle kya sunaai deta hai…PAIN…PAIN…PAIN…

i dont like it - this pain-pain - ipl ki signature tune! 

but I’m sorry, har vakt yaar…

70 Baar Baja diya…ab bas karo…yaar 2nd over start ho raha hai!

Its a branding sound - ipl brand ki sound hai…great…but I KNOW I am watching an ipl match!

You got me!  I’m here!  

Jab mainey tumhara product khareed liya hai, toh bechna band kar do!

Kisi ke happy birthday pe ek baar happy birthday gaate hain aur phir dhyaan cake aur return gift pe hota hai…

Agar birthday boy har 2 minute mein bajaaye…

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

Phir Aap pe pressure hai har baar taali bajaane ka otherwise its disrespectful…

Abhi mataji ne pepsi la ka rakhi hi hai…

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

Maine cake ka second piece Khatam bhi nahin kiya…

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

Tooh agley saal mat bulaaiyo yaar

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

apna cake aur chips main car mein finish karoonga…tu return gift de yaar…bahut ho gaya

Aap apni car mein office ja rahe ho…

har red light pe rukte hi aapki car bolti hai:

Creta, creta, creta, creta, creta! 

Yaar khareed toh liya aapka brand…

arey creta mein hi toh baitha hoon…

Saath vaali uber se avaaz aa rahi hai…wagon r, wagon r, wagon r

side mein - activa, activa…atlas…atlas…

Peechey 1 bus khadi hai…(slow/deep) TA-TA

Aur aap thodi der pehle ghar se pareshaan ho ke nikley thhey 

kyonki nahate hue har thodi der mein bathroom se goonj aa rahi hai…

Dove pink beauty bathing bar…dove pink beauty bathing bar!

Wife chilla rahi…acchha, phir mera saabun use kar rahe ho…

(Husband, applying soap)

…Stupid shouting soap!

phir office pahunch ke…

sab has rahe hain…because they hear…

jockey, jockey, jockey!

Har do minute mein…!!!

WAIT! MAYBE this pain-pain-pain is like A REMINDER?

Jaisey main kapdey khareedney ek dukaan mein ghusa hoon aur sales girl aa ke bol rahi hai…

sir bahar sign dekha aapne…pajamas are on s-s-s-s—s-s-s- SALE!!

Yes thank you, main sign dekh ki hi andar aaya hoon

2 minute baad…sir, pajame…40% off HAIN!!!…

Arey, ok!  main kuch pehen ke bhi nahin aaya…pajama khareed ke hi jaaonga…

i’m in your store…pls stop bothering me…!!

2 minute baad dukaan mein announcement kar rahi hai…

puh puh puh puh pajaame…

sale pe hain, 2nd floor pe…

cotton bhi, silk bhi, velvet vaale bhi

IPL, please STOP SELLING TO ME…RELAX…

I’m yours, tooney mujhe propose kiya…mainey haan keh di…ab take it easy…

Mota ho ja…mujhpe dhyaan dena band kar de…

I love you…Hamari kabhi ladai nahi hogi…

Aur agar ho bhi gayi toh main boloonga…IPL gussa thook do…

Its allowed now!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 21, 2025:

Sunita williams returns from space

(SAAS/BAHU…

HAIR/STYLE/TOP-5…

SPACE STN HABITS)

• Subah ka bhoola agar shaam ko ghar aa jaye toh ussey bhoola nahin kehte…

• (QUICK>) ussey poochtey hain boeing pe jaane ki bhool Kyon kee thhee bhooley…

• or, bhooli…in this case!

• Sunita Williams 9 maheeney tak International space station pe atkey rehne ke baad, vaapas aa gayi hain!

• Quick reminder - Sunita Williams aur butch Wilmore, 2 American astronauts, JUNE 2024 mein 8 din ke mission ke liye Gaye thhey…ab aa rahe hain…

• Sunita ji 9 maheeney se kya kar rahi thhee space station / ISS pe…

• First - experiments, 

• Second - exercise, 

• Third - har thodi Der mein Jaake flight information board pe dekhna…

• (LOOK AT GREEN SCREEN PIC)

• abhi bhi delayed hi dikha raha hai…Pune ki flight nikal gayi, Delhi ki nikal gayi, 

• yaar yeh earth ki flight mein hamesha panga hota hai…

• June 2024 mein Nikal gayi thhee space station Jaane ke liye…kya pata thha ki itney din vahin upar atki rahengi

• Peechey se cooker mein daal chadha ke gayi thhe…

• Gas on!

• Hafton tak inki saas apne kamrey se chilla rahi hai

• “bahu, daal ka cooker band kar do…

• 8600 seetiyan aa chuki hain…

• ab tak toh daal gal ke radioactive lava ban gayi hogi…

• 
  

• Phir sunita ji ghar pahunchi toh saas ke taaney shuru

• “Oh, aa gayi bahu…badi der kar di office se aane mein…

• Overtime toh milega na?

• Haan bhai oonchey loag ho…

• koi baat nahin daal maine fresh bana di thee…tumhare aur michael ke favourite amchoor powder ke saath…

• 
  

• 9 maheeney pehle vaali dal ka saas ko sabse pehle batana thha…jatana thha…tanna-nana thha

• 
  

• Btw, mera dimaag tedha chalta hai so I am imagining sunita williams space station mein earth ke around ja rahi hai…aur jitni bhi baar apne earth pe ghar ke upar nikal rahi hai…

• Bol rahi hai…

• (MOVING off cam and on camera to show rotation in space station)

• 
  

• Mummy ji main dal…!!

• Gas pe chhodd aayi hoon….!!

• 3 seeti aa jayen to band kar dena…!!

• Aur issey pehle ki main bhool jaaon…

• Ek aur baat…

• Dont add amchoor powder…!!

• michael and I hate that…!!

• That’s it…!!

• see you in 9 days…!!

• Hopefully…!!

• Arey bahu, voh india se mere jodon ki davaai le aai?  Space station vahin india ke upar se hi guzar raha thha na tumhara?

• mummy ji, india aur har country ke upar se hi guzar rahi thhee main but I cant stop or go down and get stuff from earth like that…

• Accha koi baat nahin bahu, maine tumhare michael ko janam hi toh diya thha bas! 

• yeh nahin socha thha ki iss umar mein ussey extra 9 maheeney sambhaalna padega…

• Lo, dal ready hai…

• Lets not forget about the main culprit…yeh Saara panga kiski vajeh se hua thha…

• GV / aunty: boeing!…boeing ke rocket mein gayi thhey yeh dono astronauts…vaapsi mein boeing kaam nahi kar raha thha…isliye spaceX ka rocket le ke aaya

• We should not forget about boeing or ignore boeing or disrespect boeing…

• WHY? 

• Bhaiye, Sunita Williams ko toh elon musk ka spaceX rocket le aaya…

• Hamein india aana jaana ho toh, spaceX abhi delhi airport pe land nahin karta.,..

• boeing ka hi sahara hai!

• Hamara gaana Thhaa last year - JO BHI BOEING, VOH HI PAAYING…but we ended that with “JAI HO BOEING….JAI HO BOEING!”

• 
  

• Donald Trump ko pata chala ki sunita williams earth vaapas aa rahi hai

• The first thing he said…oh that lady with the wild hair

• Logon ko accha nahin laga…yaar uskey baalon ke baarey mein aisa kyon keh raha hai…

• Its like ulta chor kotwal ko hairstyling advice de!

• 
  

• But funny cheez ab yeh ho rahi hai ki sunita williams ka space station zero gravity ka floating hairstyle India mein super famous ho gaya hai…

• 
  

• Har jagah…ladkiyan keh rahi hain, hum science exam se pehle SUNNY CUT karva ke jaayengi…

• 
  

• SUNNY CUT …kuch stylist usko kehtey hain HAIR UP THERE

• bollywood movies aaney vaali hai hain…ek ke baad ek…

• BAAL HO NA HO….

• KESH PREMEE…

• HAIR AFFAIR EEEE!

• 
  

• Yeh loag water mein land kiye aa ke…

• 
  

• aasmaan  se aaye ocean mein tapkey

• 
  

• dolphins ne welcome kiya…ooh nice…we have a picture…

• WE are fans of Sunita wiliams and so are sea creatures!!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 17, 2025:

AFTER-HOLI ANALYSIS - stop throwing gubbarey, tomatoes and…students?!

• 2-3 din pehle holi thhe…belated happy holi…did you celebrate holi?

• AUNTY/GV: yes!!

• Dekhne se nahin laga raha ki aapne holi kheli thhee…proper colour vagergah ke saath…

• ya toh you are lying or maybe you invest in really good soap…

• Acchhi baat hai, personally, after holi, I prefer Sephora products…

• Baaki ka saal, main moti ya dettol ya cinthol se chala leta hoon but 

• After holi, I need my Sephora…meri secret hai holi colour cleanse aur toner ke beech Mein ek gentle hydrating cleanser…

• Most people forget the 2nd gentle cleanser!

• Holi pe people are being asked to not throw…stuff…

• Colour, water, water-balloons…kuch mat phainko UNLESS you have permission…

• Permission? Jisko colour Lagana hai…uski permission honi chaahiye…I guess modern zamana hai…

• (Sarcastic, moonh bana ke >) “Sabki rights aur personal choice hai”

• Har holi pe hum suntey aaye hain…

• “aaj na chodenge bas humjoli, khelenge hum holi”…

• Where is the permission in those words? 

• Me lord…

• “Aaj NA chodenge” implies ki permission Nahin lee gayi…

• permission lene ka koi indication ya intention nahin thha…

• koi legal  agreement nahin thha…

• agar kuch Thha toh toh voh thha 2 badi peetal ki plates mein gulaal aur rajesh Khanna aur unkey saamne neechey zameen pe ek female dancer jinka naam mujhe nahin pata…

• Aur asha parekh who gave an excellent performance as “Madhavi” by the way!

• But no “permission” me lord, just fun!

• mr khanna says…chaahe bheegey teri chunariya…chaahe bheegey choli…

• He did not ASK…

• may I apply coloured powder on your face, may I throw this probably harmful checmical in the air whilst knowing that it may land on all that are present in this area…

• may I spray a stream of water on to you using this cylindrical gun type object?

• No, he did not say that!

• Yeh modern govts kehti hain kisi ki permission na ho toh colour mat lagao…

• yaar ab main pehle permission slip check karoon?

• Holi hai…oh wait wait…NOC dikha do yaar pehle…

• guys wait, guys wait, hold on to your gulaals…happy holi is happy ONLY if its also kaanooni!

• Saare loag jaib mein NOC le ke ghoom rahe hain…

• Laminate karva ke!

• “Do me a favour”… lets abide by all the laws!

• “Balam pichkari jo tune mujhe paari, toh mera lawyer bola case pakka ho gaya!”

• Gubbare mat phainko…bechaare aaj kal ke bacchey…

• main apni school cricket team ka best fielder kyon thha…

• strong arm…strong throws - le ke dikhaao run

• …mera arm kaisey develop hua??…

• March ke ek din, 8am - 11am gubbara throwing!!  That was my practice!

• now if gubbara throwing is not allowed…arms wont develop…

• Banning gubbara throwing will lead to what?  Koi door se throw nahin kar sakta…

• sab ke sab ko batsman ke aas paas hi fielding karvaani padegi 

• so we will obviously end with 10 wicketkeepers on the team…

• Kitna sad hoga voh din future mein… 

• jab we realize ki we banned gubbara-throwing on holi and see today we dont have a virat kohli…

• or jadeja…or you know gun fielders!

• IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO STOP FESTIVE FAINKNA…stop these people!

• For example…

• Spain ka La Tomatina festival…

• Inko roko…tamaatar phainktey hain…

• tomatoes are expensive…

• here in canada, we cant afford to throw away precious tomatoes…

• Hamara saara tamaatar hamare padosi Desh america se aata hai…unkey saath pangey chal rahe hain…sabse pehle kya mehanga hua…tamaatar…

• Main kal market gaya thha…ek aunty tamaatar khareed rahi thhen

• Boli: please give me 1/2 kg tomatoes

• Dukaandar bola, how will you pay?

• Boli: here, here is my home ownership, my car keys and my first born son…

• Prateek, ab se yeh big bazaar uncle nahin hain…he is now your big bazaar papa!  Ok, love you…

• ghar mat aa jaana, vaisey bhi itne se tamaatar hain, tumhaare original papa bhar bhar ke bhartey mein dalvaate hain!

• Tomatoes are expensive!

• yahan pe sasti canadian cheezein phaink ke celebrate kar lete hain ab…for example…

• Potatoes…aloo yahan sasta hai…but aloo fainkna…I guess it’ll hurt…excellent practice for cricketers but chot lag jaayegi

• I mean ubaal ke phaink sakte hain i guess

• You can throw cheap maple syrup…yahan bahut Hota hai 

• But pichkaari mein bharna mushkil hai…

• bhar lo toh pichkaari chalana mushkil hai…

• So instead of throwing all this stuff…

• canada mein we prefer to throw international students…

• Out…of the country…

• Unko uthaa ke bahar phaink dete hain…

• Throwing students is not festive…bechaare students…

• Yahan pe housing aur healthcare ki problems solve karne ke liye indian students ko Utha ke phaink do…

• Aapne voh kahavat sunee hai “throwing the baby out with the bath water”

• AUNTY/GV - yeah, gaihoon ke saath ghun bhi pista hai

• I guess iss idiom mein baby international students hain aur students Jahan bath le rahe thhey…voh canada hai…

• Saare babies keh rahe hain arey yaar…. kyon Ghuse canada ke bathtub mein…UK ka shower choose kar liya hota…america mein baalti se naha lete

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 12, 2025:

Aaj mujhe nostalgia ho raha hai kyonki aaj ki news call centre ke baare mein hai…

I used to work in a call centre in Gurgaon back in the day jab main raat ko 11 bajey ke baad jaag sakta thha 

and 9 aur ladkon ke saath cab mein fit aa sakta thhaa…

it was nice …we were so close to each other

Btw, You know call centres, right?  

Jinko na pata ho…call centre voh jagah hai Jahan meri mummy ne mujhe force kiya thha job lene ke liye taaki voh meri matrimonial ad mein MNC likhva sake…

MNC likhvaana actually backup plan thha…

she was hoping ki phone pe hi koi karen, amanda ya susan pata le toh gaadi chal padegi…

I liked my call centre…

it was just like a family…like a moden family…

hum sab agents call centre pahunchtey thhey, 

2 minute hello-hi kartey thhe 

aur phir ghanton tak apne-apne phones pe lag jaatey thhey…see perfect modern family!

I’m a little Nostalgic…puraani yaadein brain mein peechey se front pe Kyon aa gayi hain unn call centre days , rather nights ki…

Btw - Night shift jobs - the true meaning of jaag-rann

Hamari night shift hoti thhee - 

So that means raat 10 bajey se 1 bajey tak americans ko unkey bank account ki information dena - 

sir may I have you account number…

yes mr smith you will have to pay the overdraft fee sir…

no mr smith I did not call you a moron because your cheque bounced, 

(Mean, angry >>) I can see in your account that you spent $400 on cryptocurrency and $900 this month on dog massage

I didnt call you a moron, 

you dont understand basic finance mr smith…so I called you stupid

Raat 1 se 2 tak cafeteria mein prathey, ya butter maggi aur machine se button daba ke free coffee…or free brown water if the coffee machine is empty…phir uska darvaaza khol ke dekh rahe hain…yaar, Kamaal hai coffee refill nahin kartey ye loag, phir hila rahe hain machine ko…

2am se 4:30am tak phir americans ki banking related issues solve karna…

hi again mr smith, no ididn’t hang up earlier beacause you were shouting …

I hung up beacause my fellow agents were laughing too loudly when they saw you spent $25 on American flag underwear - xtra small

of course you can talk to my supervisor…

4:30am se 6:30am - ek “how to behave with customers” ki one on one class attend karna 

aur 7:30am pe cab mein baith ke ghar jaatey hue rush hour traffic mein phasna…

koshish karna ki jhapki lete hue saath vaale ki taang pe thook ne girey 

aur agar gir jaaye aur jab voh jhanjhod ke uthaaye toh…

hain, ashok vihar aa gaya?!  Nahin?! Toh kyon uthaya mujhe moron, stupid!

So you know - nostalgia ho raha hai mujhe aaj!

Kuch bhi ho, ek cheez jo call centre job mein hamesha feel hoti thhe, was respect…people were nice and polite - I wasnt - but my colleagues were…

But voh respect ka zamaana gaya…because of companies like teleperformance…

Big, huge call centre teleperformance in India, Phillipines and many other countries…

India ke call centre agents ke accent inko ya inkey customers ko pasand nahin aa rahe thhe so they have added an AI filter

AI filter will “remove” or “soften” the Indian accent…instantly…

why do you need to change the indian accent?  

To make them sound not Indian?

Be indian, talk american?

Earn rupee, talk dollar?

Jhelo tangi, sound firangi?

teleperformance indian accent to white customers ke liye thoda palatable banana chahta hai…

So, this isnt an AI filter to soften the accent…

accent pe whitening formula laga rahe hain!

• aapka accent mere accent se safed kaisey?

• yeh to teleperf ke AI ka Kamaal hai…

Accent soft karney ka Matlab kya hai?

Indian call centre agent boley …Good morning sirr…

toh American ko sunaai de good morning sir! (TEDHA MOON!) 

Like, bas Itney se ho jayega…sir sunayi de sir (american) that is what you want teleperformance…?

Deepak call pe mr smith se bolta hai…

Good morning sir, my name is deepak…

Mr smith Kehta hai…what??!!  Who are you? Where are you?

Phir ai ka button on hota hai…translate hokey mr smith ko sunaai deta hai…

Good morning sir, my name is dee-pack

Mr smith kehta hai - ooh, thank god, dee-pack…

I was just talking to deepak…he was horrible…

but you sound white!…maybe off-white but close enough!

Mr smith ko (Indian) ‘Sir’ sunaai de toh - what? Aah, indian people…I’m gonne vote for trump

Mr smith ko (american) ‘sir’ sunaai de to toh- 

I trust you, here is my social security number 

and my account number and password 

And… my daughter’s phone number…

I like you dee-pack!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 6, 2025:

• >> Aaj main duniya ke smartest scientists ko warning dene aaya hoon, bollywood ko advice dene aaya hoon and Chanda mama ko ultimatum dene aaya hoon

• its about this story >>

• 2032 mein - in about 7 years - ek asteroid hai jo earth se takrayega…

• Asteroids - made up of rocks, metal etc floating around in space…

• Many many of them but this one will hit us

• its like GOD throwing a stone at this crazy earth…

• 
  

• kaisey paapi hain yeh loag…thats not what i imagined or planned…

• god throwing stone at ghor kalyug…

• god ka assistant aa ke bola…sir, ghor kalyug is here!  

• (Looks up from newspaper >> )…oh yeah??

• (CHECKS WATCH)…already?!?!  

• oh, ok, is the asteroid ready…

• yes sir!…

• kitne ka timer lagaya hai…

• 7 years sir, 2032 mein hit karega sir

• Suno, I still like these people, sudhar jaayen toh side se nikaal dena…

• Yes sir main driver ko Bol deta hoon… “haan bhaichara, pyaar mohabbat badti lagey toh bypass se nikaal liyo asteroid…haan voh venus se hota hua jupiter nikal jaaiyo…aur haan solar system border pe rokein toh mujhe phone lagayiye seedha…arey haan phone kar diye bas!

• Yeh asteroid driver iss baar thoda slow type ke Mila hai…oh my you!

TIMES of INDIA ne yeh chhapa apne newspaper mein…

headline on feb 20 — NASA has lowered the risk of this asteroid hitting earth - here’s the latest!

Headline on feb 22 — asteroid in 2032…is Mumbai at risk?  Here’s what we know!!

Headline on feb 24 — threat to Mumbai and Kolkata? Here’s what we know!!

• (Suspicious) what do you really know times of India…are times getting bad of India?  

• Human beings 2032 mein dainik jagrans karenge ya nahin…

• If you know, tell us!

• Pehle mumbai, then Kolkata…

• (Loud TV guy>) Agar har 2 din mein ek nayi city jod rahein hain…

• Toh aapka mohalla kab list mein include ho jayega?

• Subscribe to Times of india for 7 years to find out!

• Chances hain ki yes Asteroid moon ko hit karega…ok…good!

• Chanda ‘MAMA’ should defend us…no?!  Seems like he’s single, what does he have to lose?

• And if Chanda mama doesnt save us from this asteroid…we need to discuss our mamaji options…

• I know mars thoda door hai but be honest, what is cooler — Chanda mama ya ’mangal mama’!

• Asteroid ki vajeh se Duniya ke saare pessimistic loag….my niraashavaadi brothers and sisters…

• they’re like…YES! I WIN! Pessimism… We all will lose but for now…I WIN!

• Sab dekh lo!  Aisey hi meri negative thinking aur depression pe taane maarte thhey tum loag…

• kar lo apna happy happy optimism for another half decade…

• Stree aur pushpa zyaada se zyaada 7 tak aa jayengi…thats it

• Singham can try but he wont be able to return again

• (Mocking tone >) ooh, main life mein kuch karna chaahta hoon…

• Interview mein poochein ki where do you see yourself in 10 years…

• Bol dena - I don’t!

• hunh?! (Point to asteroid on green screen!!)

• toh pessimists will rejoice…

• Most others…logon ka pehla emotion hoga - DARR 

• but phir …when people see ki jo hona hai voh hona hai…

• duniya mein kya faayda-ness chhaa jaayegi…

• …har cheez main loag karenge…ehn!  kya faayda……

• just resigned to the situation…apathy…

• monu ki mummy keh rahi hai beta asteroid pe essay likha…kya faayda…

• monu ki behen keh rahi hai, shaadi kyon karoon…kya faayda…

• monu ke papa monu ki mummy se keh rahe hain…suno darling, I know maine saat phere lete hue vachan diya thha ki main hamesha loyal rahoonga, kabhi kisi parai aurat pe nazar nahin daalonga…but kya faayda!

• Bollywood movies banata hai current society dekh ke…

• next year picture aayegi…title hoga: EHN!

• HIT SONG: PFFT,  KYON?! Aahnn! Second paragraph: (AHEM) ahnhnhnhn!!

• The lyricist will make millions - 

• but kya faayda…

• hollywood movies mein asteroid ki situation saalon se dikha rahe hain…

• Asteroid aa raha hai…2-3 specialist bhej do…

• Voh asteroid pe rocket land karenge…bomb lagayenge…asteroid phod denge ya jhatke se khiska denge…

• kahan hai sab ke sab?  bhejo unhi ko asteroid sambhaalne…sabko rocket mein bharo…

• tom cruise se le kar tom and jerry tak

• Hollywood movies mein someone was sent to the asteroid to drill a hole, place a bomb and the explosion would move it slightly…

• Let india handle it…in real life…

• We’ll call it…like Chandrayaan and gaganyaan…asteroid pe jaana hai…

• Ass-Yaan

• NEWS HEADLINE “ASS-YAAN READY FOR EXPLOSION ON ASTEROID”

• Ass-yaan seems disrespectful

• Maybe a different name…asteroid in Hindi is ‘KSHUDRAGRAHA’…KSHUDRA-YAAN…

• Maybe use a spicejet ka plane - very similar to ass-yaan anyway

• Or something completely different that incorporates indian culture and the name will easily convey going to antariksh…antariksha…

• Antariksha mein kaun kaun jayega…a digging specialist, a bomb specialist…and

• And aunty…aunty dhyaan rakhengi, empathy …beta garmi bahut ho rahi hai…radiation tagdi hai aaj asteroid pe…accha lo, break le lo, yahan chhaon mein baith ke…yeh lo chai aur 2-2 parle-G kha lo…

• 2032 main asteroid…2025 mein breaking news di hai…yaad kaun rakhega…har saal breaking news ka countdown aayega…7 years se…6 years…(pause)…5 years…(yawn)…4 years…(yawn - see you next year!)

• Asteroid ke naam pe insurance policy zaroor bikne lagegi…

• Something like

• Punarjanam life insurance…

• Har janam mein aapke Saath

• Policy not valid for 3rd life

• I doubt these scientists sometimes…shak hota hai…

• Agar asteroid nahin aaya…paas se nikal gaya…kya saza mile scientist ko…hamein itna daraane ki…

• monu ab 16 years old and still in 4th kyonki 7 saal se asteroid essay taal raha hai…

• Scientist ne galti kar di thhee..

• “Voh, (looking in telescope)…laga ki aa raha hai…par Maine a+b whole square ka bracket nahin khola thha…mera bodmas shuru se weak hai

• inki warnings weird hoti hain…this asteroid will come so close to earth…aaaah! 

• How close?  80,000 kms…! 

• What?

• Mainey kisi ko sadak pe chaltey hue truck se bachana hai…

• AUNTY!! (Slow motion - pulls aunty from road)

• Shukar hai, bach gai aap, dhyaan kahan hai, voh truck takkar maar deta toh?

• Kaunsa truck??!!

• (Shows Telescope)…voh dekho, bhopal se kitni speed se iss taraf aa raha hai…

• Chalo, aap apne rocket ke liye ready ho jao…chai aur parle-G pack kar liye na?

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

FEB 14, 2025:

VALENTINE’s Day pe new perfumes - virat kohli beard oil, dadi ka pota AND Suar da puttar?

• Dominos in uk and ireland valentines day pe ek special perfume nikala hai…

• they are running a contest where 65 people can win this…EAU DE PASSION…

• A perfume that smells like PEPPERONI PIZZA…yes…pig se bani pepperoni…

• For this contest - You can fill out this form…simple form asking for name and address…

• Its missing a question… “aapke Bachpan mein aisi kya durghatna ghati thhee ki Badey ho kar aapko pig perfume mein interest hai”?

• Is form ki legal terms and conditions mein ek term hai: cannot complain if not happy with the perfume

• So, agar aapne yeh perfume lagaya and you feel you don’t smell like a fried pig, you cannot complain…

• Ek England ka uncle jeeta thha…lets say joss Buttler uncle…

• joss Uncle ke paas aaya BUT he feels he doesnt smell like a fried pig…email likh raha hai…

• 
  

• (BRITISH ACCENT) > dear dominos, I put on your perfume for a first date with a lady who is a fan of pepperoni, cheese and other carbohydrates…

• she would have loved it but alas, when I met her, she said I smelled like an orginal cheese and tomaatoh pizza…not pepperoni at all…

• imagine my shock and sheer horror…suffice it to say, the date did not proceed…

• I won your perfume contest but have lost out on what could have been a long term relationship…

• I expect an apology from you but will accept a gift card for any south Birmingham dominos branches…

• Yours disappointedly, joss.

• India ka dominos same cheez karega…

• Ashok apni girlfriend ko surprise dega…Milne jayega ussey…

• hey babe, I brought a valentine’s gift for you…

• pssss…psss…

• Sniff-sniff…oh, ashok, sniff-sniff…I smell like a veggie paradise and garlic breadsticks…you are so sweet…you know those are my favourites…

• Ashok kehta hai…wait wait baby!  Psss….pssss…

• Sniff-sniff….oh, khan market ki big chill cakery ka banana killer chiller shake!! 

• oh, I love you ashok…

• Tumne iss dominos perfume se mera dil jeet liya… voh bhi in 30 minutes or less

• This needs to be expanded…kya business idea hai kisi naye start up ke liye…

• perfumes according to the person - jisko dena hai, uski life se juda hua perfume

• Apne kanjoos father ke liye perfume mangvaya….seedha ja ke spray kar do… - pss…psss…aah! Smells like a Fixed Deposit…oh wait…jaldi paisey nikaalne pe bhi no penalty vaali FD!  Thanks beta!!

• To Daadi - psss….pssss….aah smells like a second knee operation

• To indian cricket fan - kitna chalega India mein yeh perfume 

• psss…psss…aah!  Virat kohli beard oil!!

• Thanks papa, you know how I look up to virat kohli’s awesome beard!

• Beta, aisey hi marks laate raho, next year I will buy you shubman gill face butter…

• Haha yes dad, shubman gill indian team ki chikni chameli hai!

• saas ke liye perfume - bahu has to be careful 

• psss.…psss…

• Saas kehti hai…aah smells like a pota…

• bahu, childless…“career focussed”…modern woman honay ke bavjood aaj tumne mera dil jeet liya!

• Voh thha na father jiska beta acche marks laya thha…toh he got the virat kohli beard oil…

• What about a father whose son just…keeps failing…

• Le!  

• Yeh kya hai papa…?

• psss….psss….papa isme toh pepperoni ki smell aa rahi hai…

• Abye toh fail hota rahega toh yehi Milega na…suar de puttar!!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

FEB 10, 2025:

emo music plays...

hey bhagvaan, mere pairon ke naakhoonon ki growth ab rok de bhagvaan…bas ab nahin hota…

ab voh dedh metre ki doori nailcutter se pairon tak…nails kaatne ke liye…ab nahin tayy ki jaati prabhu! 

pairr ki chinni ungli ka nail kaatney mein saans aisey chadhti hai jaisey dedh km joggin kee ho…in nails ka badhna rok de!  

pehle toh sirf tondd adti thhee…par ab…age related back issues bhi ho gaye hain aur kamar ka kamra ban gaya hai… jab forwards aur backwards dono hi saath nahin dete toh main downwards kaisey jaoon bhagvaan…

kitne prayatn karta hoon…aadha tedha moonh bana ke…tongue aise, aisey bahar nikaal ke poori koshish karta hoon…but its pointless…

Btw bhagvaan, effort karte hue jeebh nikalti kyon hai, kahan ja rahi hai yeh jeebh, tongue aur taang ka kya rishta hai jo chal padti hai apne garage se nikal ke! 

Anyway…

last week i asked my wife to help with cutting my toe nails and she said chhee! You’re disgusting! Ew! …really?!  Ew?!   

ek samay thha ki wives apney husbands ke pairr chhootee thheen (QUICK>) which i think was sexist, it was too much, the males of our species have tried to dominate the female and it is not right i know and  know yeh equality ka zamana hai…

(NORMAL>) but god, pairr ke naakoon kaatne ka bola toh saaf mana kar diya…boli, parlour se pedicure kara lo…

Parlour Jaaon?  Main?….

(QUICKER>) Hamare parivaar ka parlours se relationship accha nahin raha hai god… 

mom ek baar gayeen theen aur jab ghar aayeen toh dad ne helpful tareekey se kaha thha ki tum, voh 4th floor vaali ruchi jis parlour mein jaati hai VOH parlour kyon nahin try karti…now that place does a FANTASTIC JOB…

Vaah! Like, super! I mean whoa ho ho!

(PAUSE)

For some reason, tab se mom ne parlour jaana band kar diya thha…

toh aaj main peechey ki gali ke shaalini beauty parlour and academy aaya hoon…khush toh tum bahut hogey aaj shalini parlour vaalon…

iss baar i will try it, iss ek baar main parlour se pairoon ke nails katva loonga, pedicure karva loonga kyonki mujhe pata hai ki mera yeh step tumhe khush kar dega aur mere paas shalini beauty parlour ka gift card hai…wife ki boss ne diwali pe diya thhaa…expiry date se pehle koi toh use karey…

next time, mujhe yahan naa aana padey toh that will be best…

(TURN TOWARD GREEN SCREEN >> DOOR OPEN SOUND >> FULL SCREEN IMAGE OF PARLOUR INTERIOR…SCARED LOOKING STAFF )

RECORD AUDIO SEPARATELY WITH DOOR OPEN and  AMBIENT SOUND >> 

“Hi, I need a pedicure”

Parlour staff: Chhee!! You’re disgusting!! Ew!!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

FEB 1, 2025:

• Coca Cola ne Europe ki multiple countries se apna maal vaapas utha liya - recall kar liya - because of chemical chlorate.

• Chlorate disinfect karne ke kaam aata hai…thoda zyaada reh gaya bottles mein…

• Vim laga ke baith gaye thhey phir paani chala gaya hoga

• this could be dangerous to consumers of coke

• I think coke has decided ki itni cheeni aapko dheerey dheerey maarey…hum jaldi maarne ki koshish karenge…you see logon ke attention span kam ho gaye hain…no patience to wait for diabetes to take hold… 

• Coke Vaalon ki meeting - (IN ENGLISH) … 

• we added CARAMEL COLOR, PHOSPHORIC ACID, ASPARTAME, POTASSIUM BENZOATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, ACESULFAME POTASSIUM, CAFFEINE …heck, we even put in this thing I cant pronounce…pheny…phenyl…pheny LA LA …NINE….but now chlorate!  Enough, I mean whoA! guys, (GLASSES OFF DRAMATIC) …have some respect for our customers!

• Market se coke gaayab - bday parties sooni pad gayin…bacche keh rahe hain - abey hum dry state mein rehte hain kya?  Coke lao! 

• Ek aunty bhaagi bhaagi market ja ke dekh rahi hai..dukaandar pe chilla rahi hai…coke kahan hai? coke do mujhe…bacchey meri jaan kha jayenge aur main apni rum aisey hi peeongi kya?!?!

• Grocery store vaala keh raha hai - madam rum and coke bina coke ke zyaada healthy hoga

• chlorate Miley hue coke ko pee ke obviously pait kharab ho jaayega…aapka pait saaf nahin hota toh faayda hai…kya hamari soft drink se kisi ka actually mein koi faayda hoga…NO, RECALL IT!  

• Chlorate is used to clean/disinfect in coca cola production …btw chlorate has many uses…including explosives banane mein…

• yaar, vapas kyon recall kar liya market se…just promote it as COKE: BAROOD…

• Recall kar ke market se botlein vaapas kyon uthha leen…kisi ko diarrheah ho jaata toh bol dete…bhaisahab COKE: BAROOD piyogey toh explosions toh Honge na!

• COKE: barood ko ad banani chaahiye…

• “Isme cola ki shakti, isabgol ka aaraam…COKE BAAROOD!”

• Tag line (AI - model with bottle in front of washroom) - 

• Which do u prefer?…

• “Ab jao andar, hyper ho kar”

• “Baarood andar, Andar Samandar”

• “Baarood andar, andar bavandar”

• “Baarood Ka Can, for when you can’t”

• “Kaala paani, ab jangal paani quality ke saath”

• “Coke: Barood You will love our side effects”

• “Coke Baarood - Ahhh Se Aggghhh tak”

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

JAN 19th / 20th, 2025:

Hi guys, I’m back…you know me…I’m vloginder aur yeh hai mera videshi vlog…

If you dont know, agar aap mujhe pehli baar dekh rahe ho…toh, i’m sad, how are you not subscribing…main itney saarey 1 vlog kar chuka hoon…

Anyway, iss baar I’m so excited kyonki main aapke favourite or kuch ke not so favourite president trump ki inauguration ceremony dekhne ja raha hoon…

Yahan videsh mein rehne ka faayda yehi hai ki yeh videsh se doosra videsh saara paas paas hai…aur pata hai ek videsh se doosrey videsh kitni jaldi pahunch jaatey hain…FOREIGN!  Ha ha get it?  Nahin voh main bola na foreign…which is like turant but in English foreign jaise foreign count (CUTS TO NEXT SCENE)

Main president trump ki first time inaguration ceremony 2016 mein dekhne gaya thha…yeh dekho, yeh Khada main…(pauses)….aur voh mere videshi friends…voh Jim aur voh Jim ka cousin…usne naam nahin bataya thha apna

Iss baar its very expensive to go…trump vaalon ne bola ki show dekhna hai toh free hai but president trump se Milna hai toh 1 million dollars lagenge…and guess what…mainey pay kiya hai…I’m very excited…I’m so…haan?  Hain?  (Goes mostly off camera…shouting and asking if his mom paid the million, crying, bawling that she didnt)

CUT TO > toh hi guys, vloginder this side…so, main trump show mein nahin ja raha hoon…mummy ko ghar pe kuch help chaahiye…so anyway…(SAD)…

CUT TO> this was videshi vlog with vloginder…main thhaa vloginder…until next time…

Like, share, subscribe, log out, wash, rinse, repeat…

Forever - You and V

———————————————-

“AD” for TRUMPISTAN MEMBERSHIP- (wear a suit jacket and sit on stool …

CAN KEEP READING AND PERFORMING LINES INTO THE CAMERAS - will be EDITED TOGETHER

(2 or 3 angles for weirdly looking at wrong one as well)

COCAINEY, AGGRESSIVE, WIDE EYES, INTO CAM

Maharaj Donald Trump DONGARH bana rahe hain…

EDIT/POST > JAN 20 

HI THERE, my name is kashyap Patel…

ppl call me kash…

mr trump calls me…whenever he wants to.

do you want your country to be ruled by TRUMP?…do you want to be a part of DONGARH…I mean hona toh hai hi…aaram se maan jao to accha rahega…

DONGARH mein ham Sabka future bright hoga.  Aap, aapki aankhon ke taare…aur baaki saare…

Just imagine it…in fact, let us all close our eyes and imagine together…I am closing my eyes, right now, I promise

(Looks slightly off camera with EYES WIDE OPEN…) sorry, meri aankh lag gayi thhee

In the interest of good relations…maharaj trump has asked me to send out this membership form…fill this out and send it to me - Kash Patel with a cheque or money order or crypto…no Kash…trump has kash…

Answer these 2 simple questions on the membership form…

Question 1…TELL US HOW U WANT MAHARAJ TRUMP TO BECOME your RULER

• TARRIFFS laga ke?

• Ya old fashioned chadhaai karva ke

• Ya, aap khud hi apni country ki power of attorney hamein bhej dogey?

Note: chadvaai ya annexation ka extra charge lagega…rs 15 per person ke hisaab se

Question 2:

Does your country have WHITE people?  

If yes, how many?  

If no, why not?  

Note: If you don’t have white people, IT/JAva/Advance Java/Hadoop/Selenium/Python/ASP.net AND  SQP server trained non-white people are also acceptable.

Hum aapkey membership forms ka aankhey biccha ke intezaar karenge…

You will love being a part of DONGARH

You can trust me…aanken band kar ke

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

JAN 12th, 2025 show:

Latest Baasi News #1 - DO quickly !

(OVER-ACT / OVER-EXCITED)

I AM SO EXCITED…PBD…PBD…

aunty: Voh kya hai?

Arey pravasi bhartiya divas…PBD! I’m a PB, both of you are PBs…India mein 18vi baar manaya ja raha hai…yeh D…pravasi bhartiya divas..!  

Meri packing is done, flight ticket booked, uber book kar li hai airport ke liye and Maine pehle hi 19 paraathey pack kar liye hain…9 Jaane ki flight ke liye, 9 Aaney ki flight ke liye and 1 vahan PBD ke din agar snack nahin mili toh…

AUNTY: 9 - 9 parathey? Kyon? 9-9 minutes ki flight hain?

GV: GOOD ONE aunty - Arey PBD??  bhai, iss website ke anusaar…toh khatam…done…it finished on 10th January…

What…Maine miss kar diya…but…

START EMO MUSIC

MAKE AI IMAGES / stuff in PHOTOS

PRAVASI BHARTIYA DIVAS - missed ho gaya!

But mainey special t-shirts print karvaayi thhee…alag alag style ki

GV: Yahan pehen lena

Aunty: Donate kar dena

GV: kai countries mein unhe bacchon ke liye tent vaaley school banane padte hain

Gv, t-shirt aapke liye bhi banvaayi thhee…

MISS KAR DIYA…2 saal mein ek hi baar toh manatey hain pravasi bhartiya divas…

GV: 2 saal mein ek baar?!  Thats weird.

Aunty: Obviously har saal kaun sehna chaahega NRIs ka attitude…

• Weird toh yeh bhi hai ki 3 dinon tak chalta hai divas…jan 8th,9th and 10th…iska naam hona chaahiye pravasi bhartiya long weekend…

GV: Pehle check kee hoti na website

• Miss ho gaya pravasi divas divas divas…aur main kitna bada fan hoon generally bhi divases ka…for example…gantantra…swatantrata…baal…I even like Mondays…that’s a divas no one likes!!

Kuch selected pravasiyon ko awards bhi miltey hain…

jaisey 2 saal pehle australia se Bhutan aur usa se usa tak ke PBs ko award miley, 

pichley kuch time mein canada ke bhartiyon ko zyaada nahin Miley…i wonder aisa kya hua hai india aur canada ke beech mein uss pichley kuch time mein…no idea

• award recipients mostly business vaaley ya social workers hotey hain…I guess YouTube show aur podcast is not beneficial to society.

• Maybe our show should be about social work 

• And let’s call it: bath is your problem - jo aadmi nahaney se katratey hain, hamara show unkey ghar jaakey unhey shikshit karta hai aur…aur…ek group banakar…ghaat par le jaata hai…its a fun outing for them and it serves a social purpose - saves their wives from har Sunday ka torture

By the way, I think awards inn pravasi bhartiyon ko Milne chaahiyen…

• pravasi bhartiya seema aunty jo -10 degree temperature aur heavy snowfall ke dauraan, subah 7 bajey apne ghar ke bahar ke area se baraf hata deti hain taaki unka pota Aaram se school bus tak pahunch sake…baraf hata deti hain sari pehne pehne

• PB rupam uncle ko do award do jo office main uss gorey boss ke saath ab bhi kaam kartey hain jisney unsey poocha thha…hey  roo-pam, you’re from india right, so do you all own elephants there or is it just the maharajas?

• Koi baat nahin prvasi bhartiya divas…you can now consider me a pravasi bhartiya DIVA - and I will act like a diva and not come in 2027.  Diva…out!  

• Yaar, website Khuli hai toh 2027 ki dates check karna…

Latest Baasi News #2

• welcome to biyp…

• plus website promote nahin ki jispe secret show notes / raw notes hain…

• No one cares, loag yahan news tadka ke liye aatey hain…

• AB KAR LO >> bas, you stopped us for that!

We found a recording of trump and Zuckerberg’s conversation at maralago - CANCELLED / NOT DOING THIS.............!!!!!!!!!!!

Z: Um, mr trump, I’m here for your blessings…um aashirvaad 

T: Mr trump?  Excuse me

Z: oh sorry, president trump

T: I think you mean maharaja trump of trumpistan…main tumhara, tum sab ka raja hoon aur tum meri praja ho…

Z: um…maharaja trump ki…maharaja trump ki…umm…

T: Kyon yahan aaye ho Zuckerberg…mera golf partner wait kar raha hai…

Z: maharaja trump, main aapse apney 2 bachhon ke liye blessings lene aaya hoon…mera beta Facebook - he is almost 20 years old aur yeh meri chhoti…instagram…she is 14.  

T: oh you want me to bless Facebook and instagram?  

Rooli, Sindoor, Moli, Chawal, Haldi…

Z: maharaj, vah saari blessing ki samagri?

T: no!  Yeh sab mere accountants hain…aur Mishri, sabut dhaniya, long aur supari…yeh mere lawyers hain…

Z: maharaja lawyers aur accountants…blessing ke liye…

T: blessing ke paperwork ke liye…  blessings are free but stamp paper shuru hota hai 1 million dollar se…

Z: maharaja, iss vakt meri jeb mein 1 million dollars hain…issey kam ban jayega…

T: ahem…aapki shraddha hai…supari…please call mera minister of internet…ussey poocho ki internet toot jaaye toh kitna nuksaan hoga inn tech CEOs ka….

And long, yeh main kya sun raha hoon, you and supari…really…you naughty naughty…

Z: maharaja trump, nahin voh 1 million dollars toh sirf jo meri pocket mein hai voh hai…main toh aapki suggestion ki wait kar raha thha…

T: let me consult my accountant…moli mere Kaan mein aao aur bataao what else we need from zuckerface…an-haan…ok…ok great

…….hire this trumpistani to your board…zuck, dana white tumhare board ka part hai ab…you can never have too many whites on your team”

…….Plus, tum trumpistaniyon ke posts, messages, reels ko check nahin karogey…mere pyaare trumpistani jo kehtey sach kehte hain…Sach ke siva kuch nahin kehtey…(ADD punchline)!!

Maharaja, can I be a member of trumpistan?  Officially?

Yes, its free

You are the greatest …maharaja trump ki!

Wait…(calls accountant back)…daan peti / dakshina…

But maharaja aap toh boley ki entry free hai?

Entry free hai…exit nahin…deposit $10m …agar trumpistan chhodna chaahogey toh yeh deposit 

• FACEBOOK ne kaha hai ki 

• jo bhi FB pe post karega….ab se…ussey fact check NAHIN KIYA JAAYEGA…

• ab tak kiya jaata thha…but NO MORE!!  

• FOR EXAMPLE: kal hamari gali mein daaku aaye thhey…ok sure, no one will fact check…research se paya chala hai ki Haryana is bigger than earth - ok!  Interesting, I didnt know that…OR AUNTY, if you say you are a good singer…everyone will have to accept it…no fact checking…

• WHY DID THAT HAPPEN?  Kyon kar raha hi Zuckerberg aur Facebook Aisa….

• Tangi hai?…THEN I NOTICED…4 MORE STORIES…about FB/INSTAGRAM/zuckerberg/meta

1. Trump threatens Zuckerberg with life imprisonment

2. UFC boss on meta board

3. Zuck donates $1m to trump inaguration

4. Meta ending diversity program - TALK ABOUT DIVERSITY programs - Purpose?  Taaki gorey logon ko jobs na milty rahen…milti phir bhi hain…

• inme koi link hai…Yeh PAANCHON news headlines hain…

• There is a connection but what?

• We will not talk, let’s think and then reconvene and present our findings…

• MO: toh…ek billionaire CEO apni company bachane ke liye gundey dada se kyon Milne gaya…kyon…think…thiank..thi-ee-annk…thaaaaank….abye now I;M thinking of how weird it is to say think…and not actually thinking…

• Ok pretend karta hoon ki donald trump aur mark Zuckerberg ke baare mein soch raha hoon taaki aunty aur gv to shak na ho ki mera bheja is like empty (mimics actions of trump and a computer nerd)

• Perfect!  Um…mmm…mmmmkhhhh…(CHANGE TO GALEY MEIN ATKA POPCORN) >> kya atka hua hai…kya khaya thha…popcorn? 

• Damn it!  Show record karne se pehle popcorn…stupid popcorn!  (Constantly talking while trying to pry / KHH/ KHAAWWW / TEDHA MOUTH)

• FINGER deep in throat (think MR BEAN)

• A pen?

• making sounds…getting angrier and angrier…SHOUTS…CRAZY sounds!!

• Gv thinking about returning a sweater

• Abye Khatam karo yeh BLEEP recording toh nikloon

• …Sephora band na ho jaaye, last day hai cream return karne ka

• Aadhi toh use bhi kar li

• Listen, Sephora, I had to try it…you said money back if not satisfied…I’m not satisfied…I will STAND HERE…until you give me my moeny…I want to talk to your manager…I will WRITE VERY bad reviews…and my husband is a lawyer…

• Nahin…

• police officer…

• He will…

• Nahin…

• member of parliament boloon?  Ussey kya hoga…MP kya kar lega Sephora mein…

• Abey yaar, band karo RECORDING…BLEEP…

• Oy, boloongi, suniye, please, mere peechey kuch gundey padey hain…please can i use your phone and oh yeh cream return karni hai

• Kya vaapas nahin logey?  Mujhe allergy ho gayi hai ungliyon pe…YEH DEKHO! (MIDDLE FINGERS)

• Aunty thinking about Indian idol

• tudu-tudu-tudu tainnnnn!—-

• arey, indian idol ki tune atak gayi hai dimaag mein…hmm…acchha thhha kal ka show….hmm

• I think main shrey ghoshal se better singer hoon

• Yes, agreed

• Sa re ga ma…(TURNS PAGE OF NOTES and continues)…pa dha ni sa…

• 1000%

• (Cut)

• Shre-ya-gho-shal-se-hoon-be-tter

• Be-tter-hoon-shre-ya-gho-shaal-se

• (cut)

• Shrey-shrey-ya-ya-gho-gho-shal-shal-se-se-hoon-hoon-be-be-terr—terrrrrrrrrrr…..AHEM AHEM….terrr fix the swarr!!….terrrr

• (Sing weirdly) Shreya-go-go-go—shal-se-main-main-main-better-hoon-hoon-hoon—-that is true-true-true…

• Camera goes around / cuts to each several times. -GETTING faster and faster

• Mo: (TONGUE IN TEETH) ….oh ho GV, Itney pareshaan ho Gaye aap trump aur Zuckerberg ka soch ke?

• Gv: yeah, I’m so angry …yeh saare big businesses Hamara faayda uthaatey hain.,..main apna Facebook return karney ja rahi hoon…

• Aunty: main apne songs FB pe post nahin karoongi…boycott!

• GV: aur mo?

• Mo: (GARGLING)…(SPITS OFF CAMERA…AHAIII, HOOOOOOOO,,  HAAAAA, KHAWWWWW)…

• I KHHAANT say for sure…I think sab KHHHOOB paisa banayenge…

• Saare social media TRUMP aur RIGHT WING CRAZY LOGON KE AAGEY JHUK RAHA HAI…

• MARK MY WORDS - this is the beginning of the end for social media…

• It keeps digging itself a bigger and bigger hole…you know KHHHHADDA….

BTS: “bachi kuchi news”…

AUS OPEN…tennis major… START HO GAYA HAI…

hum apni Melbourne reporter Lucy Deuce  se baat kar lete hain…toh g’day Lucy, who are the favourites this year?

(BUTTON)

ofcourse sinner and sabalenka…hey djoker and swiatek…c’mon What’s the weather like?  Is there rain expected and how will that affect the outdoor courts?

(BUTTON)

Sounds like excellent barbie weather…What about the Indian players?

(BUTTON)

Oh yes, we hope sumit nagal gets past Tomas machach in the first roung and indeed gets to play possibly Novak Djokovic in the 3rd round…

Anything else before we sign off, Lucy?

(BUTTON)

Ah yes, my infection is gone but I still have severe gas…yeah!

(BUTTON)

You too, bye bye…you know what I say…with Lucy deuce…its advantage…us! GOOD NIGHT!

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...JAN 5th, 2025 show:

• HAPPY ‘NEWS’ YEAR!

• SAY TO EACH OTHER ONE BY ONE / 

• CRISS CROSS UNTIL DONE 

• AND TO VIEWERS AND LISTENERS

• We said 2024 F-Off last week — PRESENTED IT IN A SONG AS WELL…

• and today we are saying 2025 F-On…what does that mean…

• the F stands for 

• Pata hai…sabko pata hai…

• (Innocent STYLE) > Toh sabko pata hai it stands for FOONKNA??…as in…FOONK 2025…FOONK FOONK ke kadam rakhenge…

• we will be careful…and hope evertyhing gets better…2025 foonk-on

• Hopefully yeh foonking loag sudhar jaayenge aur wars Khatam ho jayenge…

• Hopefully foonking fossil fuels - oil, coal kam use hoga taaki climate change control mein aaye

• Kuch logon ko hoga ki yaar ek foonking job lene ke liye kitney foonking resume bhejumn?

• Maybe you are foonking fed up ki aap ka monu  padta kyon nahin and why monu is foonking so interested in gaming?  And watching others do gaming on YouTube!

• Abhi January mein kabaddi world cup hona hai…India has won it 3 foonking times plus kabaddi India ke Bahar bhi kheli jaati hai jaise Bangladesh, Iran, Italy, turkmenistan…I didnt foonking know that!

• Agley month delhi mein elections hain…the politicians are like - iss baar yeh foonking kursi mil gayi toh 11 mandiron ki 11 parikramayen karoonga…aur har kadam foonk foonk ke rakhoonga…

• Aunty and GV what you are looking forward to in 2025?

• New year, new website - quickly show/tell website; RAW show notes is the special feature

• And welcome to biyp…jisme 2025 mein bhi hum news lenge…tadka etc

Latest Baasi News #1

• Rohit Sharma dropped from match…

GV ka 3 tigaada:

• Australia mein jo test matches chal rahe hain - unme rohit sharma ki performance - poor

• Ussey pehley india mein new Zealand ke against 3 lagaataar matches haar gaye! SHAMEFUL!

• BUMRAH appointed captain for this match against Australia!

Aunty ki interruption:

• Rohit ki wife ka naam Ritika hai.

• AUNTY/GV - Team ke leader ko drop kar diya kyonki performance Acchi nahin ho rahi!!

• But dropped, not fired…so…temporarily out because you were not performing well!

• Does this happen in other fields?

• At such a high level as ROHIT Sharma??

• AUNTY / GV (set up joke): Dropping PM, CEO, lead actor (from a famous movie), senior pandit…general fighting at the frontlines, 

• What would that be like!!

• How would they react!!

• ROHIT SHARMA - says ‘I AM OPTING TO SIT OUT’

• He was “VOLUNTOLD”

• SHIP KA - CAPTAIN boley - 

• Main zyaada TAKKAREIN MAR RAHA HOON…I OPT TO SIT OUT…

• MUJHE EK CHHOTI LIFEBOAT DE DO, MAIN GHAR CHALA JAATA HOON…

• YA PHIR VOH PENGUINS KE SAATH CHHODD JAO…AATEY HUE LE LENA

• TITANIC vaaley ne bola hota toh aaj history kitni different hoti…

• Yes LEONARDO DiCAPRIO ko OSCAR na mila hota

• And yes 1500 loag Bach Gaye hotey but let’s focus on important things, right?

• SPEAKING OF ACTORS…

• salman sir, interval tak ki movie hamne shoot kar li hai but pichley kuch scenes mein aapki…acting…thodi weak thee sir…

• Voh kuch ghoosey aur laat effective nahin lagin plus dance mein aap zyaada hil nahin rahe thhey

• Agley kuch scenes mein hum aapko replace kar rahe hai

• aapki jagah heroine ek khambey ke saath perform kar legi…she said…khambe ki dancing aur face pe expressions aapke jaisey hi hain…no one will know the difference

• 
  

• PANDIT - pandit ji, I’m sorry…agli 4 aartiyon ke liye hum aapko replace kar rahe hain…

• pichley haftey aapke sanskrit Shlok kisi ko samajh nahin aaye 

• Aur last month ke greh Pravesh mein aapne mundan ki lines pad dee theen

• Pichley haftey aapne voh mataji to keh diya ki unka jaldi hi pota hoga…

• Arey unka ladka 9th mein hai…voh exams ka poochney aayeen theen 

• TEACHER - sangita ma’am maths padha rahi hai…deepak ek student Kehta hai ma’am bahut ho gaya…main 20 minute se dekh raha hoon…blackboard pe aapke saare triangle kaju katli lag rahe hain…

• numerator denominator dekhne mein ek doosre ke dushman lag rahe hain aur yeh dekho, …

• yeh dekho aap apne boyfriends ko maths equation mein daal rahe ho…1x + 1x = 2 exes  (mere boyfriend bhaag kyon jaate hain)

• aap thodi der staff room mein baith aao…

Latest Baasi News #2

GV ka 3 tigaada:

• CORNELL university ke Scientists ne chhotey se VR - yaani virtual reality goggles bana ke choohon ko pehna ke experiment kiye hain

• The miniature goggles could help reveal how the brain deals with spatial navigation and memory

• Yeh alziehmer aur uski treatment dhoondne ke liye kiya ja raha hai

• MO: 

• WHAT ARE VR GOGGLES / HEADSET — 

• to give you a 3D experience, 

• meaning that you can see all around you in VR = virtual reality

Aunty ki interruption:

• Kyon aisey experiment kiye hain?

• They were bored!

• Or the mice were bored!

HERE IS MY PROBLEM…

• What is the mouse thinking (mouse voice)…

• yaar, in logon ko jo ajeeb cheez test karni hoti hai…hum hi milte hain…??!!

• Koi nayi davai test karni hai ki baal ugtey hain ki Nahin…mouse pakad lao

• Koi make up dekhna hai ki pimples jaatey hain ki Nahin…mouse pakad lao

• Abey, jao SHER pakad ke uspe VR headset lagao…

• I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!  

• KAUN HAI MERE SAATH?!  CHALO, HUM YEH NAHIN SAHENGE…

• Ooh, arey VR headset mein video games bhi hain yaar!  Cool!!

• MOUSE CHOR - planning how to enter homes by using VR…

• Unkey paas ek ghar ka diagram hai…

(MOVING/playin both CHARACTERS)

• Sameer, tum yahan chhatt se pipe se aaogey aur 2nd floor ki window se enter karogey ………But Careful, 2nd floor pe unkey 2 bacchon ke kamrey hain 

• but Sam, ek problem hai…

• What?

• 2nd floor pe…voh…

• Sid, come on, kya 2nd floor ki kitchen locked hogi…what? Tum mujhe Bachpan se jaantey ho which means pichley saal se…c’mon - give it to me straight…

• Sam…2nd floor pe…these people have a cat!

• Thats ok Sid, hum prepare kar rahe hain…VR READY!

BTS:  ‘Videshi Vlog Vith Vloginder’ (AS A SERIES
LATER - and as shorts series?)

Hi guys, welcome to videshi vlog vith vloginder…

I am Vloginder

this is our first vlog episode because someone said people like videshi vlogs…

we are videshi…see…there’s a videshi vindow…

Anyway, we thought hamara first episode dhamaakedaar hona chaahiye…doosrey vlogs koi bada khareeda item dikhaatey hain…car, house, doggy…

I’m starting with this table…this is the new table for our show baat is your problem or biyp for short…

not VVVV which is this vlog called videsh vlog vith vloginder…so vvvv is part of biyp…

anyway this table is made of wood…I think…maybe its fake wood…

but it can hold equipment and feels good when I touch it on top…

anyway that’s it for todays VVVV…hope you join us…oh and the table has several legs…4 if my math is correct…

like, share, subscribe,  live, laugh, love…amar Akbar Anthony guys.

Vloginder - out.  V.

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...DEC 31st show:

• find award show tune- ‘medal ceremony’ or ‘broadcast news’ from FCP…

• DRUM roll - done, in bada apple,

• write MISSING joke / transition

• ASSIGN lines to GV, aunty

• I DON’T LIKE HAPPY NEW YEAR…mera issue time, calendars se nahin hai…

• Issue hai celebration se…

• dharti ka ek aur chakkar sun ke around…finish…and I guess we celebrate that…

• last year bola thha…kya hua? 

• If you are saying Happy New Year…aapka 2025 mangalmay ho…then you are by default saying that you hated 2024…shukaar hai Khatam hua…

• If you want someone to have a really good year…Maybe you should wish HAPPIER new year…assuming someone had a happy year

• Dont wish HAPPIEST new year…because that will mean next year will be your last year…

• We will not do a HAPPY New Year SHOW…

• We will do a SHUKKAR HAI KHATAM HUA…

• TGIF-OFF 2024!

• AUNTY - NAHIN! Tum karo TGIF-OFF…

• Be positive ke acchha hoga…

• TGIF-ON 2025!

TGIF-OFF 2024 show mein…taaki 2024 ki duniya ki top bevakoofiyan - THAT’s what we will do… - 

• iss saal ki top GOOGLE SEARCHES in India, Pakistan!  Ooh!

• GV: And the NamaCool awards - …naak mitti mein Mila di! Top namacool intnl…top namacool indian…STAY TUNED…

>> HAMNE LOGON Se POOCHA…sabki apni choice hoti hai…Kuch logon ne 

fave stories of the year - what the people said:

PLAY CLIP MONTAGE:   FROM?

• SEVERAL AUDIO clips (gr screen pics)

OUR fave stories of the year - through sound effects…

One each for us, quickly explain the sound and the related NEWS item:

• Throw up - olympics (MAANTY)

• Election confusion - india elections (AUNTY)

• Mo Bro (Intl Students) (GV)

WELCOME TO THE 

NamaCool AWARDS…

• well, officially its called the cool-namacool awards but who cares about the cool where we recognize the nice people…no one wants to hear that

• because NEGATIVITY SELLS! 

• And because namacoolon ke baare mein jokes likhna easier hota hai

• Mention trump received time person of the year

• Show nominees on GREEN screen 

• I put on a suit jacket

(PLAY AWARD SHOW MUSIC)

COOL AWARDS - the nice people - quick!!!!

Cool Intl - WINNER is

• sunita williams - 8 din ki trip thhe intl space stn Jaane kei….8 maheeney ki trip sehni pad rahi hai inki…cool not because space mein gayi, astronaut hai….no

• Its because can you imagine living with that many guys…THE SMELL !  Aay-haay!  Nose plug bheje hain nasa ne!

PLAY AWARD SHOW MUSIC…impatient for it to be over,…

Cool Indian - WINNER is

• Rishabh pant - return to cricket in IPL this year after an accident…well done rishabh pant…we are proud of you…best wishes…

BUT NOW>>>> heheheh!  LETS’s get to the NAMACOOL!!

PLAY AWARD SHOW MUSIC-cut it short…

NamaCool Intl - nominees are…  

(DRUM ROLL)

• 77 MILLION AMERICANS: for electing Donald Trump…”kaanon ne chuna andha raja…they flipped the kahavat…that’s why they are nominated

• WEIGHT LOSS DRUGS - such as ozempic, wegovy, mounjaro and zepbound…

• BOEING - boeing ke ek plane ka January mein darvaaza mid-flight toot ke gir gaya aur plane mein chhed ho gaya thha…march mein ek plane houston mein land kar ke runway se khisak gaya thha…march mein hi texas ke upar udd rahe ek boeing ke plane mein aag laga gay thhee…march mein hi san francisco se take off kartey hue boeing ke ek plane ka pahiya gir gayg Thhaa..april mein ek plane se emergency slide mid flight gir gaya thha…and other issues we dont have time for…boeing…

• banaye airplane aise,  lunch period mein udaate thhey hum jaise

• (IMPROVE SLOGAN !!??) Maggi slogan

• Voh Vaale Americans - jinhoney ghar baith ke Netflix chaatna zyaada important samjha rather than jaake kamala harris ko vote dena…yeh loag ghar pe baithey rahe aur vote daala hi nahin

And the namacool of the year - international WINNER is: 

(DRUM ROLL……)

VOH VAALE AMERICANS!!

77 million trump voters ko award nahin mil sakta thha because if you voted for trump, I’m afraid of you!

NamaCool Indian - nominees are…

• Ytber kills moar - Telangana ke ek youtuber ne banayi more curry…not more curry but more…curry…peacock ko maar ke…iss namacool nominee ko iss show baat is your prob ke 24 august ke show mein taaney maarey Gaye thhe..,.pls check it out…on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts…um…like, share, subscribe

• Excessive Heat 

And the namacool Indian Award goes to: HEAT! 

• sing - “sadti garmi ka mausam aaya…” … and thats why garmi namacool hai…garmi…namacool...

• nama nama, cool cool…

Top google searches of 2024 

WORLD: top 10:

• copa America

• Football 

• WORLD T20 cricket 

• #4 - IND vs England - ind vs England? Probably cricket…ok. I assume!!

• #5 - Donald trump - aisa kya hua thha?

• #6 - IND vs Bangladesh - either cricket or maybe sheikh hasina’s computer - better to live - ind vs ban

HUM TO SEARCH - in the world

• #9 - naadaniyan - akshath??

• Can we find BIYP by humming it…

• let us ALL try…

• Can we find other things by JUST HUMMING?

• YAAR DEEPAK, ghar pe bore ho rahe hain…horror picture dekhen?

• Haan ruk main google pe search karta hoon OTT pe kausi acchi horron movie available hai:

• HI GOOGLE…DOOR CREAKS OPEN…KAUN HAI KAUN HAI…EE EE EE EE…!

OTHER THINGS we can search using HUM to search…

• Hi google…(cough! Sneeze!) -paas ka clinic khula hai

• Hi google - choo-choo…tejas rajdhani 2 bajey chalti hai

• Hi google - aaaaaaaa…DHAAD…Parachute jumping

• Yaar Rajesh, horror picture ke saath ek aadh drink hoti toh mazaa aa jaata…

• HAAN HAAN (shake glass in ice)

• Yaar - yeh toh paas ke Nasha mukti Kendra bata raha hai yaar…

**************

PAKISTAN - a curious thing…

• mukesh Ambani was in top 10 PEOPLE searched on google

• What do we think?

WHAT ABOUT INDIA:

OVERALL Top 10 - you can guess…(#1 IPL, #2 T20 world cup,  #3 BJP,  #4 Elections… #5 Olympics…#6 excessive heat…#7 Ratan tata….#8 congress…#9 kabaddi league…#10 super league

INDIA - people searched - #8 - radhika merchant…

• so, Pakistan mein mukesh Ambani…india mein radhika merchant…

• hello what about the DULHA and DULHE KI MA?  

• The most important people…HELLO!!

Google done, lets look at BING…

har country mein top BING search thhe…how to search on google!

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...DEC 22nd show:

THE SKIT:

ELVES (ALWAYS OVER-CHEERFUL): 

yay!  Christmas! 

SANTA: oy, kyon shor macha rahe ho?

AUNTY: hi SANTA CLAUSE, baat is your problem ka Christmas show karna hai  

SANTA: pehlie baat main Santa nahin Sunny clause hoon…I look after south asian and the Indian subcontinent region…aur baat is your problem? Koi show voh nahin kara raha main…

GV: santa…i mean sunny clause, baat is your problem ke paas aapki kuch photos hain…show toh karna padega…

AUNTY: PHOTOS bacchon ko dikh gayeen toh aapki image ki vaat lag jayegi

GV: Aur humne aapko uss din mrs malkaani ke saath ghoomtey hue dekha thhaa

AUNTY: Aur agley din mrs Chopra ke saath

GV: Aur 2 ghantey baad mr. Chopra ke saath…

SANTA: life mein meri 3 weaknesses hain…milk, cookies aur elf blackmail…

kya karna hai iss show mein?

AUNTY: toh…baat is your problem vaale news batate hain…

GV: aur tadka lagate hain…

SANTA: sounds boring.

AUNTY: toh aaj ke show mein hum iss saal 2024 mein kya news thhee voh batayenge

ok! Let’s go elf # 3…

GV: yay! Let’s go elf # 1

SANTA: vaah kya original naam Hain…elf # 1 aur elf # 3…aur elf # 2 kahan gaya?

GV: (still happily)…Stress leave!

GV: ok, sunny clause, pehle logon ko merry christmas bol dein? 

AUNTY: Ho,ho,ho, Merry christmas!

SANTA: HO HO HO, MERRY…photos vaapas chaahiyen hain mujhe iss Dramey ke baad…aur negatives bhi…

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: sunny clause, sunny clause, duniya mein kya hua?

SANTA: duniya mein kya hua? POORI duniya mein? Main tumhe hey alexa lagta hoon? Ya voh kabadia wikipedia?  Aur tum loag itney khush kyon ho? 2024 mein aisa kya hua hai jo tum itne positive aur cheerful ho?  Kahin tum (SMOKING)…

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: senti clause, sunny clause, politics mein kya Hua

(PLAY EMO)

SANTA: politics!  Saara politics! Ok, fine!! Duniya mein 60 se zyaada countries mein election hue…India mein same sarkar aayi, it was close but power was retained…UK mein rishi was rejected but the american shaitaan was summoned…again…trump 2.0 NO!…trump came back…but you know who did not come back…mrs clause…maayeke gayi thee 4 maheeney pehle…I miss you shobha Claus!!

…Aur main tumhara personal AI Santa nahin hoon…jaldi karo

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: senti Santa, sunny clause, cricket mein kya Hua

(PLAY EMO)

SANTA:  haan cricket mein kya hua? Olympics hue iss Saal, kisi ko farak nahin padta…neeraj chopra itna tagda javeline fainkta hai…Chennai ka ek 18 saal ka ladka gukesh dommaraju world chess chamption bana,…no one cares…no one cares ki Mainey yeh poora north pole ka business apne haath aur aadha darjan reindeer ke balbootey pa Khada kiya…shobha, kya tum mere 6 se 8 affairs maaf nahin kar sakti….

anyway, jasprit bumrah ko dekh (TILT NECK) ke lagta hai ki voh har ball daalney se pehle sochta hai…Aaoon, na Aaoon, ball daaloon, nahin soch leta hoon…ravichandran ashwin retire ho gaya… kohli aur rohit Sharma slow motion mein retire ho rahe hain…baaki ki countries BCCI ki power se sadti hain…oh and how can I forget…(Do IPL pan-pan)

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: senti Santa, sunny clause, Bollywood mein kya Hua

(PLAY EMO)

SANTA: sequel pe sequel, sequel pe sequel…unfortunately iss saal original ideas haar Gaye aur pehle chali filmon ke 2nd ya 3rd parts aaye jaise stree 2, pushpa 2, bhool bhulaiyya 3 aur singham 3…I think uska sub title thha singham again took my money!   AUR deepika padukone aur anushka sharma ke bhi sequels aaye…

(PAUSE)

they had babies.

(No change-CONTINUE EMO MUSIC)

GV: culture mein kya hua?

SANTA: ambani ki shaadi…bas yehi culture thha iss Saal ka…baaki ka culture mumbai ke traffic mein Phasa thha…Function pe function, function pe function, function pe function, function pe function…(REPEATS 5-6 fading out)

AUNTY : (JUMPS in AFTER A FEW REPEATS ABOVE)…business mein kya hua?

SANTA: ambani ki ek aur shaadi…reliance ne disney se merger kar liya aur india ke CEOs ne seekha ke all publicity is good publicity! (Show zomato, yes madam stuff)

GV: AMERICA mein kya hua?

SANTA: america…america is now trumpistan… Maharaja trump of trumpistan Kehta hai main dictator banna chaahta hoon…americans ne pehle hillary ko reject kiya thha, iss baar kamala ko reject kiya…obvisouly americans are anti-aunty…74 million KAANON ne Chun liya ANDHA raaja!

AUNTY: antariksh mein kya hua?

SANTA: chhodd aaye space station pe sunita williams ko…vaapas kaun layega…no one knows…haan Duniya ka sabse ameer aadmi elon musk..uss andhey raja ka mantri chor sipahi… apna rocket bhejega…mera sleigh le jao, 26 december se free ho jayega…

GV: kanoon mein kya hua?

(PLAY ACTION TENSION)

SANTA: (say in one breath>>) 

tarikh par tarikh milti rahi hai ... lekin insaaf nahi mila my lord, insaaf nahi mila ... mili hai toh sirf yeh tarikh ///////. Chilaao mat ... nahi toh yeh case yahin rafaa dafaa kar doonga ... na tarikh na sunwai, seedha insaaf woh bhi tabartor ////// Kanoon aur insaaf taqatwar ke ghar ghulam bankar rehte hai/////Haveliyon ke farmaan ab kanoon nahi hote ... Hindustan azaad ho chuka hai/////Jhakh marti hai police, utaar kar phenk do yeh vardi aur pehan lo Balwant Rai ka patta apne gale mein

I’m sorry…Jaane kya ho gaya thha mujhe…but asli law and order mein Delhi ki ek adalat mein original butter chicken kisne banaya iska case aaya iss saal…food court ka maamla high court tak pahunch gaya hai…who will win?  Naan of Us.

AUNTY: religion mein kya hua?

SANTA:…….. (PAUSE)…pagal samjha hai…I’m not touching that…NEXT!

AUNTY: senti santa, sunny clause… 

Hamare questions toh bas itney hi thhey..

SANTA: Bas itna hi thhaa…yaar elf one aur…four…ya three…jo bhi hai…this was not too bad…main tumpe aise hi bigad raha thha…kyon main aagbaboola hua thha…I’m sorry about shouting earlier

(STOP ALL MUSIC) 

AUNTY: next…hum padhenge voh letters jo bacchhon ne aapko bheje hain…

GV: yeh request karney ke liye ki aap christmas pe unhen kya la ke do!

SANTA: letter bheje hain?  Kisne address leak kiya mera?

GV: pehla letter Bheja hai…india se diljit ne

AUNTY: Diljit Kehta hai…hi santa, main ek world famous singer hoon…but kuch loag complaint karne lagey hain ki main daaru ke baare mein zyaada gaaney gaata hoon…santa, mujhe advice chaahiye ki main kya karoon.

SANTA: diljit, sing about this yaar…(HOLD UP MILK)…take inspiration from “doodh doodh doodh hai wonderful, pee sakte hain roz glassful”…sing about milk diljit….if you need to say daaru, say duddu…if you need to say theka…say mother dairy…2 ghunt pila de saakiya baaki mere te rod de…well that one’s ok to say because, doodh skin ke liye acchha hota hai…

GV: agla letter bheja hai…India se MDH ne…

AUNTY: Arey MDH ke masaley jo iss Saal ban ho gaye thhey?

GV: MDH Kehta hai hamare masaley ab safe hain…

SANTA: MDH mahashay…aap santa ka yeh platform apne PR ke liye use nahin kar sakte…main aapko faaltu ka promote nahin karoonga, mere kuch standards hain, kuch asool hain…after all hamari society ethics or morals ke bina toh bikhar jaayegi…main bacchon ka idol hoon, aap sochtey ho ki main unkey liya aisa example banoonga…never.

GV:  aur yeh last letter is from usha near Washington DC…

AUNTY: Arey, usha near Washington toh… usha vance…trump ke vice president JD Vance ki wife

GV: But yeh kya…usha ne kuch likha nahin, lagta hai apne ghar ka diagram bana ke bheja hai…

SANTA: main samajh gaya…its ok usha…main samajh gaya ki tum america se bhaag jaana chaahti ho…kaun rehna chahega vahan ab….thanks for sending this extremely detailed diagram of your house…25 December ki raat, theek saadhe baara bajey, meet me at your chimney, I’ll pick you up…(PICK UP EMPTY MILK GLASS)…keemat tum jaanti hi ho…ho ho ho

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...DEC 14th show:

Welcome to BIYP - 

START WITH - I have decided to do 49% impressions…some people call them mimicry…because I’ve found that 49% copy is the best I can do …

Today - SANJEEV KUMAR

“Kabhi kabhi zindagi mein tukkey lagtey hain…jaisey aaj ke show ki 3 news stories mein…ek story russia ki, ek china ki aur ek india ki” aur in sabka connection meri superhit picture SHOLAY se hai

AND BY THE WAY…this is a 49% impression of someone who is confused between Sanjeev Kumar and Sanjeev Kapoor!!

Hariyali sabudana kabab banene ke liye sabudane ke saath, aaloo, roasted peanuts aur fresh coriander leaves bahut important ingredients hain…

3-4 hours

4 loagon ko serve kar payenge…

BUT BEFORE THAT…

Last Show Ki Best Line (LSKBL) - 

“Bhaiya kele kaise diye hain”

Latest Baasi News # 1

RUSSIA (green screen - article clipping of Assad in russia + sholay type poster)

• GV ka 3 tigaada:

• Syria ka civil war (2011 mein start hua thha) aur syria ka dictator bashar al-assad rebels ke dar se bhaag lia

• Bhaag ke pahuncha…russia

• Putin Assad ka best friend hai…gave him asylum

- aunty ki interruption (oh this should be good)

• raj kapoor 100th bday on DEC 14th 

• he was super famous in russia

• SHOLAY POSTER - with Putin and Assad’s faces AND

• SING “yeh dosti” in Russian and then SYRIAN

• First line in Russian…YEH DOSTI…

• my nikogda ne otkazhemsya ot etoy druzhby

• (SHOW SUBTITLES on SCREEN)

• Second line in ARABIC—-TODENGE DAM MAGAR…

• lan 'atrukak hataa eindama ‘amut

• SHOW SUBTITLES ON SCREEN

Latest Baasi News # 2

CHINA - (green screen will be the insta video along with the news article clipping)

• China Unveils AI-Powered Police Robot To Chase And Catch Criminals

GV ka 3 teen tigaada:

• It can throw a NET, 

• jump from heights and 

• run up to 35 kmph…

AUNTY ki interruption:

• ??

• Sholay connection - police vaala jiskey haath nahin hai…

• ROBOT TIRE INSTEAD OF THAKUR when GABBAR is cutting off his arms…PIC on bada apple

• Btw, did you notice ki AI robot police vaaley ke saath 2 human actual police vaaley chal rahe Hain… “hamara AI robot police officer duniya ka sabse effective police officer hai unless robot ko koi Utha le”. 

• Please! robot police ki respect karein aur use godi mein na uthaayen!

• https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/watch-china-unveils-ai-powered-police-robot-to-chase-and-catch-criminals-7216699

• https://www.instagram.com/chengdu_china/?utm_source=ig_embed&ig_rid=f3bec7d6-2b5b-4409-b784-820cf1eb3c0e

Latest Baasi News # 3 (or make this the opening story??)

INDIA (gr screen is article clipping + boat/satellite image already done)

• India mein ANDAMAN police ne drugs pakdi

• https://apple.news/AlFnPToI7SyepjTSo5HpTyQ

• GV ka 3 tigaada:

• Drug - methemphatamine or meth

• 6000 kg

• worth RUPEES 36,000 CRORES

AUNTY ki interruption: 

• COMING from MYANMAR to ANDAMAN ISLANDS

• 6 smugglers

• 6 loag, 1 boat, itne din tak - washroom toh ek hi hoga

• Musk ki company starlink - jo ki satellites ke through internet provide karti hai…Indian govt musk se information maang rahi hai ki kaisey kuch smugglers ne india mein drugs smuggle keen…

• Caught by Andaman police!

• Smugglers had a STARLINK INTERNET DEVICE

• Ek SMUGGLER ki wife ne starlink ko phone kar diya hai…yaa, please cancel my starlink internet…you people guaranteed ki connection superfast hoga AND hotstar aur Netflix 6 maheena free hoga AND ke drugs ke shipment kabhi pakdey nahin jaayenge…mera husband pakda Gaya hai…so please cancel…

• cancel only internet ka part…Netflix aur hotstar main abhi bhi rakhoongi obviously…time hi time hai ab toh

• INDIAN POLICE WANT STARLINK / ELON MUSK to cooperate!!

• SHOLAY CONNECTION — Musk bhaagta hua trump ke paas jayega…SARDAR! SARDAR!  I mean Donald, india vaalon ko dekh lo…mujhe blame kar rahe hain drug smugglers  ko le ke…main kya karoon mera starlink internet koi smuggling ya crime ke liye use kar raha hai toh!  Meri kya responsibility hai!  Yeh toh vahi baat hui ke jaisey twitter pe saara garbage meri responsibility hai!  Jaise ki meri

• Aap india pe 100% tariff lagao!  Promise karo!

****************************

BTS: 

Gukesh dommaraju - world chess champion - Chennai, 18 yrs…

Micheal Jarman - world MS excel champion

Gukesh won 11 CRORE + 5 crore from TN govt…total for now 16 crore

Michael won - USD $5000 = Rs. 4 LAKH rupees

PAST INSPIRATION - chess champ was encouraged by parents;;;; excel champ was encouraged coworkers - Michael, kya spreadsheets banata hai yaar…jab tu EQUAL TO sign laga ke bracket kholta hai na sheet mein calculation ke liye…yaar, main toh vahin dher ho jaata hoon…

Arey, arey Michael ka asli jaado toh sorting aur filtering mein nazar aata hai…

Aur phir jab data le ke, highlight kar ke graphs aur charts banata hai….HAAN!

CANCELLED!

(MAYBE WE DO THIS TOGETHER UNDER “Aaj Ki Apology” 

an apology to Russian and arabic speakers..

“Main maafi maangna chaahta thha app sab loag jo russian bolte hain aur arabic boltey hain…aap ki inn sundar languages ka mazaak udaaney ke liye…aap toh acchey loag ho…mera intention thha Putin aur Assad ka mazaak udana kyonki voh dono dictator…syria mein problem hui toh Putin ne Assad ko panaah de di…russia pe attack hoga toh yeh dono mil ke probalbly north korea kim jong un ke paas bhaag jayenge….aur tab main korean language ka mazaak udaoonga…so you see, I will keep doing this…bas thoda time aur…lagta hai duniya se kameeney loag bas khatam honey hi vaaley hain…right?

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...DEC 7th show:

SHOW MORNING:

• record aunty interrup button

• Set up camera - on gr screen rod?

• Banana peel art

BTS: MAKING OF…”the 50 Cr Banana”… >> CANCELLED !!

(Green screen - screenshots of the banana skit from FCP during editing - REACTION SHOT)

Mo: actor interview style // WEAR SUNGLASSES ON NOSE // REVERSE HAT: nahin, voh kele khaaney ke liye ek mindset chaahiye hota hai, jab shooting start hui aur aunty ne ACTION bola toh…I wasnt ready…toh voh reaction…ek genuine reaction thhha…you see, you see, you see, you see

Aunty: mainey action bola toh mo ready nahin thha…I mean unprofessional hai mo…most of the time…because I think kela khana is not hard to do…but yeh actors ka dimaag saatve aasmaan pe hota hai…aunty, mera kela khaane ka motivation kya hai…mera iss kele se rishta kya hai…I dont like mo!

GV: main kela actually apne breakfast ke liye laayi thhee…but mo ne kaha ki kela skit ki shooting mein use hona hai…I dont like mo!

Mo: I love aunty and GV, they are very supportive…jab Maine bola ki main kelon ke saath ek item number karna chaahta hoon toh aunty, GV dono ne bola ki bahut acchha idea hai…you know I am dancing with a kela…background dancers are all bananas…toh voh market gayi hain dono for banana shopping…kaafi time ho gaya…bas aati hongi…(looks at watch /…looks at banana peel)

END

WWD/how diff/Welcome to BIYP - 

FIND and PLAY on TV…

(later INSTAGRAM and maybe FIREPLACE?)

Last Show Ki Best Line (LSKBL) - 

(TADKA SOUND)

Latest Baasi News #1

Uber for boats in Dal Lake Kashmir

https://apple.news/AFoC4982SR0WUyrB1VuVKjA

• Shikara Paani ke uber Chalta hai (pon-pon)

• GV 3 TIGAADA (aunty will provide to GV)

• Aunty’s Interruption (2-3 small silly comments but she interrupts the show to say it)

• Director of communications is ruchika tomar

• Uber car stops in another gali, I have to walk…if uber shikara arrives the wrong pick up spot…do I swim to that spot??!!

• GPS will keep rerouting if shikara affected by wind…make a u-turn…too much u-turn…make a u-turn…WE STOP AUNTY!

• DO WE really need this?? 

• Technology in everything?  Bollywood ki movies ke kitne scenes hue hain…boats, shikaras pe…oh maajhi re!  Oh bhaiya, app pe book kiya…chale aaye emotional scene karne!

• NO BARGAINING!!

• Boat …. Driver?  Operator? Captain?

• Uber Shikara driver complaint…was on the phone constantly / chappu se kitna paani udd-udd ke aa raha thha ham pe…horrible experience!  2 stars!!

• Uber eats shikara?  Fresh fish!! But isnt that grocery …. 

• Uber Shikara Go - most likely Sasta vaala Maruti ya Tata ka shikara aata hai…like a shikara alto…shikara Tiago…

• UBER Shikara rental - can drive the shikara yourself…?? - 

• but LICENSE will be required right??

• Uber Shikara Moto - like motorcycles on the road…except on the shikara you have to wear a helmet and sit chipak ke with the shikara driver - close enough to smell his hair oil

Latest Baasi News #2

GV / aunty start…so, baasi news #2 (TADKA SOUND) is …

Businessman Justin Sun (Chinese born; cryptocyurrency company ‘Tron’; 

millionaire bought $6.2m banana from auction…

SHOW his instagram on TV…for banana and then eating video

https://www.instagram.com/justinsun/?hl=en

• Aunty / GV to start…

• Who wants a banana this badly?

• People who have money to waste like this dude!

• By the way, iss artist - Maurizio cattalan ne yeh banana ek kele vaale se NY mein, 25 cents ka khareeda thha…ek Bangladeshi immigrant se jo kele bechta hai NY mein…

• I HAVE A SURPRISE…So, we bought this banana!!

• WHAT??!!

• YES!  I have it right here…(pick up from under the table) - bahut acchhee publicity hogi hamare show ki…

• Its only the peel stuck with tape…arey banana kahan gaya…

• CUT TO: Mo about to eat banana…

• Takes a bite and says >> kya hua…aap loag show karo na aise kyon dekh rahe ho…!

• GV and aunty > hey bhagvaan AND CREDITS roll on screen like end of a sitcom

• Show ke end ki tarah freeze ho jao…

WE WERE JOKING… 

• By the way, yeh kela Justin sun ne khud kha liya (SEE INSTAGRAM)

• 1 banana = 50 crore rupees

• Actually mein kele khareedney jao…delhi mein…

• “Bhaiya, kele kaisey diye hain”?

• 80 rupay darjan?

• Arey, kamaal hai!  Sahi laga lo bhaiya!

• Behenji, itna hi hai…mandi se mehenga hai…ka karein!

• Accha theek hai…8 crore 33 lakh kele baandh deejiye…aur ye leejiye 50 crore ka note!

• Behenji, 50 crore ke khulley nahin hain…subha ka time hai

• Arey bhaiya main phone laana bhool gayi…payTM nahin kar sakti…

• Aur agar 50 crore ke kele koi khareedega toh pakka hai ki drugs bhar ke kahin bhejni hongi

• India ki saari fruit markets mein fruit vaalon ne BANANAS ke saath mein tape ke thele laga liye hain

• Kele bechney vaaley ki patni taaney maarti hai -- CANCELLED !!

• “kyon ji, suna iss angraij kele vaaley ka…ek kela 50 crore rupay ka becha…tum din ke mushkil se 500 rupay ke bechtey ho!  Hunh!  Baat mat karna jab tak ghar mein ek scooty nahin le aatey

• “Naaraz mat ho shanta, main kuch sochta hoon… kal shaam ya toh main ghar aaoonga…ya scooty…Matlab scooty zaroor aayegi…main aaoon ya nahin…umm…Matlab…nahin…agar scooty aai toh main aaonga kyonki scooty le ke kaun aayega…sorry!  Ya toh scooty ghar aayegi, agar nahin aayi toh…main bhi ghar nahin…

• SO JAO! 

• End with thela of bananas stuck with tape and next image of many fruit sellers using same strategy.

TO DO: 

make banana peel ART…

aunty’s interruption BUTTON