Baasi News, Tadka Taaza. Why? News doesn't sleep...but we toh do na!

Raw Show Notes

(de-classified...shhh!!...posted here after show release...shhh!!! Please baba!!!!)

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAY 6, 2025:

India to force restaurants to disclose if they use ‘analogue paneer’ in fake cheese crackdown

FAKE PANEER…india ka saara internet iss story ke peechey pada hua hai…
And we like to go where the crowd is going…oy kya hoa raha hai…dekhne do yaar…
Fake ya synthetic paneer bahut time se bik raha hai…I guess ab Indian govt ab keh rahi ki fake paneer becho but bata ke…khulasa kar ke…
This is a paneer-like thing made from not milk - but vegetable oils, starch, milk solids etc

You know what it is…

Its a paneer ka remake - and remakes are never as good as the original…

Originally hamare hero ko pata chala thha ki - FAKE THHA PANEER

Then the hero got angry and he set out to show this to the world in…PANEER 2 - paneer Ganda hai

This is paneer 2: good 2 be true!

Ya too cheap to be true - restaurants use karte hain kyonki yeh fake paneer cheap substitute hai…

Internet pe dekho toh saare “youtubers” aur “influencers” bata rahe hain ki fake paneer kaise pechana ja sakta hai…

Man, getouttahere! Aap batao, yeh real paneer hai ki fake?

I’ll tell you how you can tell the difference…

Paneer aata hai milk se jo aata hai cow se…so go to the source…check out the cow…

Look at this guy…real or fake?

And now this guy…such a showoff..such a…(AUNTY/GV)…FAKE!

By the way they call this fake paneer - analogue paneer!

Analogue paneer - what is analogue? Vs digital paneer?
Why must they use complicated / angrezi names…
I guess Analogue ki definition hoti hai…similar or comparable to another…
BUT…
Kyon yeh loag university English professors se inn cheezon ke naam rakhvaate hain…

"Analogue paneer" denotes a paradigmatic class of dairy products exhibiting a mimetic similitude to the traditional Indian cheese, paneer, yet distinguished by its ontological divergence from the latter through the deployment of non-traditional manufacturing methodologies or substitutional constituents, thereby instantiating a homologous yet discernibly distinct gastronomical entity.

Toh…nakli?

Yes

Thank you professor

Mujhe google karna pad gaya thha… analogue!

Aapko kisi ne bola hota …

shiela maine yeh naya purse khareeda hai sarojini nagar market se…naya brand hai - “analogue”

Aur yeh “mimetic similitude” shoes…

aur inkey liye… substitutional constituents vaali belt…

Wow!

I’ll make it simple…

Call it - PA-NEAR!
Its not actual paneer but its nearby!
its near paneer…pa-near
Or FAUX-NEER…or FUNEER - hey he’s cheap fun…just dont enjoy too much!

Or even simpler…

fake paneer is SHOW PANEER -

ki show ke liye paneer hai, andar kuch aur hi hai…

Vs. Asli paneer is SURE PANEER…

Restaurant mein Sharma family khane baithi hai…

Accha bhaiya, 2 daal makhni, 6 naan aur 2 kadhai paneer…oh and aapka paneer show paneer hai ya sure paneer.,.,

Waiter kehta hai…show

Sure?

Show?

(SLOW and drawn out)…SURE….

Show.

(Close up of eyes, eyebrows, confrontation.,.., western music)

Sure and show back and forth…

Sharma: spelling batao…

Waiter: p-a-n-e-e

Sharma: arey paneer ki Nahin …show ki…ya sure ki…dono mein se Kaunsa sure hai?

Waiter: sorry, not sure…

Government keh rahi hai restaurants ko apne customers ko batana padega ki paneer asli hai ya nakli…

Some restaurants were already doing it - aap hi samajh nahin paaye unki hints aur clues…

Menu ke ek page pe paneer dishes theen like paneer-do-pyaaza and shahi paneer and kadhai paneer

but uskey peechey vaale page pe they had pa-near dishes as well…

They had paneer-do-sasta and shhhhahi paneer and kadhai sir pe maroonga agar kisi ko bataya ki hum fake paneer Bechtey hain paneer…

Long name but they were telling you…you didnt want to listen because it was cheap!

There was a restaurant — called PANEERZAADE…

had a paneer and pa-near section…seperate sections - like smoking and non smoking…

Ek family aa ke baithi non-paneer section mein toh bacchey na kaha:

Pappa, hum loag voh vaale real paneer section mein Kyon nahin baithtey…

Nahin mere bacchey voh loag hamse alag hain…

Pappa aap jo iss fake paneer section mein paise bacha rahe ho na, unn paison se main ek din yeh poora “paneerzaade” restaurant khareed loonga…

Vaah mere laal…accha tu apne restaurant mein asli paneer bechega ki nakli ki dono?

Pappa voh toh uss vakt ki govt regulations pe depend karega na, main apne accountants aur lawyers se consult karoonga

Taste bhi matter karta hai…dekhoon kaisa taste hai…let me taste this “paneer fikka”

We should be allowed to buy fake paneer - if we want!
It should be like real branded purses and fake knock-off purses…you can buy real or fake
Boss ghar pe aa raha hai…use paneer…
Saas iss haftey phir aa rahi hai…maybe you want to use the ontological substitute…

Maybe it’ll become a status symbol…yaar, shilpa ko dekho…jab se promotion hui hai coach ka purse , apple ki watch aur asli ka paneer…

The govt says ki restaurants ko batana padega if they use fake paneer…

I dont want that…!

Sarojini nagar aur palika bazaar ki dukaane jo bechti hain…hum khareedte hain…maal ke price ki baat hoti hai but hum reality se door rehte hain…we dont ask, shopkeepers dont say anything and they definitely dont put up a sign about their “branded” purses and that is why aaj 6 saal baad bhi meri wife apne cooch ke purse se bahut khush hai…jab bhi hum kisi party mein jaate hain toh she loves pairing her COOCH purse with her manish galhotra saree…galhotra is the brother of Manisha malhotra but they had a big fight and they went their own ways….now one has a helicopter landing pad but we dont care about him…

we like galhotra

I dont need neighbours to know main “paneerzaade” ke kaunse section mein kha ke aaya hoon

Restaurants need to disclose - yes for health reasons but there is and should be freedom of choice…

- jisey khana hai voh khaye…thats up to them…

but also keep it a little …shhhh for my sake…dont put it on a sign in the restaurant… “paneer does not contain paneer”

All you need is a signal…

Sharma family order kar rahi hai…bhaiya, 2 dal makhni, 6 naan aur…(getting ready)…

paneer pasanda…(immediately intently looking at waiter)

Waiter

(narrow eyes - DO CLOSE UP or later in edit… western theme tune plays)…

(Close up of mouth)

Haan sir, 2 dal makhni…6 naan…

GULP…quiver, weird lips CLOSE UP…

(hand/body does slow “fake paneer signal”)

(SLO-MO, western showdown, back and forth of Sharma and waiter)

Sudden pause - WAITER SIGNALS

Pushpa under-neck swipe >> “the cow says - mere paas toh nahin aaye thhey…NOOOOOOO!”

Sharma: aaaa…samjha…yaar yeh (pushpa swipe)…cow says nooo…2 plate de do…

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

APR 24, 2025:

Agar aapka koi nightmare…bura sapna…sach ho jaaye…
Ya koi horror movie ka scene real life mein aa jaye toh kaise handle karogey?
America ke Kansas state mein ek bacchey ne Apni babysitter ko bula ke bola…mere bed ke neechey ‘monster’ hai…
Babysitter ne bacchey ka dil rakhne ke liye bed ke neechey dekha toh actually mein ek aadmi chhupa hua thha…

Chor thha…he was arrested…
Yaar yeh toh sirf movies mein dekha Thha…
mera pehla thought - chor ko bura nahin laga hoga??
yaar monster bol raha hai baccha mujhe…i have feelings too!

Quick acting - agar iss babysitter - monster under bed story peh movie banegi toh Usska main scene
Arey raju, kuch nahin hai bed ke neechey..main dekhti hoon…
Hmm..dekho …kahan hai monster?
Voh…voh… toh normal chor hai…
(Ok for 2 seconds)…ee…chchchchchch…
Aur iss same movie mein - Quick acting - police vaala jo iss case ko investigate karne aaya hai…

Shinde, Yeh baccha jiske bed ke neechey “monster” thha…iss situation ke baare mein 1 baat toh pakki hai…
This boy will never have back issues kyonki yeh jab soyega, Dari bichha ke…

POLICE SIREN button

Iss horror scenario ki tarah agar kuch aur Sach ho jaaye toh aapko kaisa lagega…how will you handle it?

For example, aap sach mein, real life main exam de rahe ho aur realize hota hai ki aapne kapdey nahin pehne hue?

Like that nightmare a lot of people have! How will you handle it?

will you finish the exam or just get up and run?

Depends on a few things right?

Kitna bacha hai exam? Last ke 2 questions reh gaye…jo hai voh hai…nipta hi leta hoon!

Or maybe…it Depends on which exam…

maths?…chodo exam ko, marks toh aaney nahin hain…apni izzat toh dhak loon

Agar biology ka exam hai to problem khud solve ho jaati…

koi poochey ki …oy kapdey kyon Nahin pehne…

“Written ke baad Practical ke liye ready ho ke aaya hoon”

The NAAGIN scenario - are you ok with that coming true?
If you find out your newlywed wife is a naagin, how would you feel and handle the day to day?
You will have questions right?
(Appears behind him in snake form -
SNAKE SOUND!!)…
Good morning darling,
…maine zomato dekh liya…swiggy dekh raha hoon…i dont see a section for snake food anywhere…
They should have another website for snake food right? They can call it ssssssssswiggy!
Wife kehti hai…rakesh…thats rude!
just because I’m a snake sometimes…
tum snake food section dhoon rahe ho … I have feelings too
Oh, I’m sorry darling, maine tumhari choice toh poochee hi nahee…online khana order karna bhi hai?
Maybe tum peechey vaale park mein Jaake Khud kuch pakad ke Khana chaahogi…like a buffet?
Accha, Hamari Anniversary pe?
Should I Book a restaurant or just put milk in a bowl? I can join in … with a straw…
No, sorry, that depends on which “roop” you have “dhaaran-d”…sorry, I’m so stupid…you’re my first naagin wife na!
Btw, when do you change your roop…only during bad moods…like can you control it?
Agar tum roop change karna control kar sakti ho toh we can save a lot of money on clothes, shoes…
Ki bhai party mein jaana hai but naye shoes ki zaroorat nahin hai…I’ll go in snake form

Oh, accha, obvious question about saperas…snake charmers…

been baji, you are dancing, should I dance as well…ya main side pe rahoon and thats like your moment to shine…rules kya hain?

Btw, ok, tumhe suprise dene ke liye main dance lessons le raha hoon…yeh naya dance studio khula hai…

‘Shake like a snake’…They’re really good…

I considered ‘raagas for naagas’ but they were too expensive!

Bacchon ke saath karte hain na…khana kha lo nahin toh Buddha baba uttha ke le jaayega!

That’s a daraavna scenario…for kids…

Agar sach mein ghar ke bahar “buddha baba” Khada ho toh?

I think Bahar buddha baba soch raha hai - yaar main abhi abhi 60 ka hua hoon aur buddha title de diya…

I have feelings too

my first thought … iss dhamki ke set up mein hi problem hai…the premise is not believeable
Aap keh rahe ho buddha baba “uthha” ke le jayega…
A lallu kid will be scared
But a smart kid will know - buddha…so, baba is 60… 65+
He cant lift me up and carry me away!
Smart Baccha Overweight hua toh aur confident hoga…

There may be questions…

Mummy, aap keh rahe ho buddha baba uthha ke le jayega…

kya yeh “baba” Hamesha hamare ghar ke bahar khada hota hai ya aap breakfast, lunch aur dinner time pe special bulaatey ho?
Agar aap kisi ‘baba supply company’ se yeh baba order karte ho toh buddha hi kyon…does this company specialize in senior citizens who can scare children at meal times?
Aur agar yeh baba hamesha hamare ghar ke bahar khada rehta hai toh mujhe daraa ke gheeya khane pe majboor karne ki bajaye aapne yeh nahin socha ki main police ko phone karoon?
Aapne kabhi socha ki ‘middle aged baba’ better dhamki hoti…zyaada practical aur scary dhamki hoti because tab main sochta ki haan, middle aged baba hai…issey child scaring and lifting field mein 15-20 saal ka experience hai and unlike buddha baba, middle aged baba does not have arthritis yet…
Main sochta ki middle aged baba aaram se mujhe uthaa payega even though main thoda chubby hoon

Btw, mujhe personally yeh buddha baba scenario imagine karne ki zaroorat nahin hai…kyonki mere saath ho chuka hai!

meri mummy bhi saalon tak mujhe aise hi Khana khilaati rahi…but ek din main samajh gaya…
Maine khidki ke bahar jhaank ke dekha…
“Mummy, koi buddha baba nahin hai”
You were lying to me!
I have feelings too!
Ja raha hoon main…office ke liye der ho rahi hai…
Main aap se naraaz hoon…accha koi baat nahin…aap please meri car mein check kar lo, back seat vaala haoo hai ki gaya?

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

APR 20, 2025:

KFC - chicken, fried chicken, fast food restaurant…
KFC Vaalon ne ek naya toothpaste banaya hai…
I’ll let you chew on that for a second…
Kfc ne naya toothpaste banaya hai…
So… KFCibaca?
Old people know what I’m talking about
Doosri companies jealous ho rahi hain… yaar yeh KFC toh aaagey nikal gaya…
Chicken ki saari market inki hai…ab toothpaste…what’s next KFC ki IPL team…Saara stadium chilla raha hai KFC, KFC… and everyone knows IPL crowds love chanting 3 letter team names…
RCB…CSK…KFC…OMG!

McDonalds is smart…they know KFC ne yeh kyon kiya hai…

Bhai, kfc ka chicken koi khata hai and done…

But Kfc ki toothpaste! toh ghar pe, sink ke paas hafton tak padi rahegi…its advertising…all the time…

Bathroom mein jaate hi…right in your face…KFC…

Toh mcdonalds kya kar raha hai…

McDonalds ke har product mein ‘Mc’ jud jata hai, right?

Mcaloo tikki burger….mcpuff…McFlurry etc…

Now they are thinking about making butter…

They will call it ‘McKhann’.

Actually pehle McDonalds vaale gaadiyan…cars ke business mein jaaney ka soch rahe thha but fir kisi ne kaha ki agar naam ‘McCAR’ rakhenge…toh indian customers khareedenge nahin

Kya zamaana aa gaya hai…
when I was growing up…
Ham market jaate thhey toh
We had murghas on patakhas and we had monkeys on dant Manjans…
Ab murgey ki photo mere dental product pe hogi?
Excuse you?
I will not accept a murgha on my god damn toothpaste!
Birds like murgaas, turkeys, eagles belong on patakhas
And in weird YouTube songs
NOT toothpastes…

KFC toothpaste!

Inki pehli ad main imagine kar sakta hoon…

Deepak brush kar ke ruka hai aur mirror mein dekhta hua smile kar raha hai
Younger brother Mohan aata hai
“Bhaiya, aapke daant toh chamak rahe hain…kya raaz hai?”
Yeh toh meri nayi KFC toothpaste ka kamaal hai Jiska 3 in 1 fomula mere daant chamkata hai, mujhe fresh breath deta hai aur mera dharam bhrasht karta hai..

That’s just honest…the toothpaste will give you clean teeth but a dirty soul!

Soul pe brush nahin kar sakte…

btw soul hota kahan hai,…

KFC Vaalon ko naya slogan chahiye…
inki meeting hui thhee ki bhai naya slogan kya rakhein…

Hamse advice maangi hai…wink!

We have the TOP 5 options…

Let me know which one you like:

KFC toothpaste - “Fried chicken ka taste, but nothing on my waist”

Kfc toothpaste - murgey ki baang, straight in your mouth
Ma se chupkar chicken ho khana toh kfc toothpaste hi lana
Daanton ki dekhbhaal itni swadisht kabhi na thee
Your tongue will fall in love with your teeth…
Daant chaattey reh jaogey
Kfc toothpaste - bhaiya…kukdu-koo…nahin Mohan…ab kahoo kukdu-thoo! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-….

McDonalds cant just sit and focus on food and beverage…aaj ki duniya mein you cant just must find ways of getting into people’s mouths in every way possible

McDonalds vaalon ki high levels meeting ho rahi hai…
Wink!
Dominos Vaalon ne perfume banaya, kfc ne toothpaste bana di hai…what are we doing…
Guys we need to keep up with this trend of fast food being combined with personal products…
I need ideas…!
(Someone raises hand)
And rajesh…do not say McFlurry toothpaste…hum toothpaste copy nahin kar sakte!
Rajesh puts hand down sadly
Anyone else?
sir…mcaloo tikki burger…cushions?
Boss thinks and smiles…
Sir, mcpuff…long cusion?
Sir, 6 pc chicken Nuggets…6…cushions?
Ok great, sab cushions pe atak gaye hain…
Anyone else…piyush tum yahan se pehle burger king mein kaam karte thhey na?
No sir, burger Singh
Aah brilliant, toh tum loag toh copy karne mein experts rahe ho…tum kya sochte ho?
Sir, I think copy hamein ek traditional product ki karni chahiye…yahan McDonalds pe ham har item ke Aage mc lagatey hain…jaise mcaloo, mcpuff etc…
Toh hamein apna butter bechna chaahiye…we will called Mckhann

KFC toothpaste dekh lee…

ab Vegetarian gharon mein bacchey roz complaint kar rahe hain…mummy, voh kfc ki toothpaste lao na…

No beta, hum loag vegetarians hain…yeh dekho main tumhare liye kya laayi hoon

Haldiram’s dant manjan…

Aur yeh dekho…

Sagar ratna sambar mouthwash

And…

Tumhara naya brush - bhindi

Thanks mummy! Veggies rule!

kfc toothpaste ka price kya hai…
$13 !! Which is like Rs. 1150!
Yeah, expensive!
Delhi mein ek aunty yeh KFC toothpaste Lene gayi, price suna, toh uske totey udd gaye…murgey udd nahin sakte na
“Bhaiya, kfc ka toothpaste kitne ka diya”
Behenji, saadhe gyaarah sau ka hai
Arey bhaiya sahi laga lo na
Behenji kya karein, murga mehenga ho gaya hai…
Aapne suna nahin bird flu fail gaya hai…
Aunty toothpaste ki tube ko Utha ke nihaar rahi hai…upar neeche dekh rahi hai
Behenji kya kar rahe ho
Bhaiya, poora toothpaste ka tube toh main afford nahin kar sakti…agar dikh jaaye toh sirf leg piece le loongi

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

APR 16, 2025:

American president Donald trump ne america ka department of education band kar diya hai…

Main saalon se keh raha hoon…
Government education pe kyon paisa kharchti hai…
YouTube pe sab free mein padh sakte hain…

And obviously YouTube ko trust nahin kar sakte toh kisey trust karoge!

India mein slogan hai - Beti bacho, beti padhao….

americans have changed the slogan to - Beta padh ke dikhaao!
Slogan hamne nahin banaya,
hamein iss top secret dept of education memo mein Mila!!

Agar USA education department hi nahin hoga toh aagey ke american bacchey kya padhenge, kya banenge…
Saare Paisey vaaley loag ilaaj karvaaney kahan jaatey hain - america!
Agar vahan ke doctors padhey-likhey nahin honge to kya hoaga?
You will need to properly identify aapka doctor kahin american “educated” toh nahin hai…
I’ll give you an example of an american doctor…in the future…so you can watch out and avoid such doctors…
SERIOUS THROUGHOUT////
(Listening and removing stethescope) >>
mr Sharma, aapky tummy mein jo ooi hai …
uskey liye mere paas ilaaj hai
Nurse, please mr Sharma ki shirt lift kariye…
Sir, please relax…
puch! Bachh! Theek ho gaya!
Mr Sharma
iss treatment ka course complete karna padta hai toh…

Bahut zaroori hai ki aapko early morning ek…puch! Aur raat ko soney se pehle…puch! Mil jaaye…
Aapki wife kar sakti hain…maybe aap apne neighbour ko bol sakte hain … ya even koi delivery boy aaye toh ussey request kar sakte hain…
But the treatment must continue!
Aur agar 2 haftey mein improvement na ho toh please come back
Mere paas ek aur tareeka hai
Ek naya aur Experimental treatment hai…
pfffffffff!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 27, 2025:

IPL ne thookna allow kar diya hai! Just generally nahin…ball pe…

Ek time pe ball pe thook lagana allowed thha, bowler ball daalne se pehle thodi si spit le ke…ball pe…ball pant pe ragad ke…chmkana

Ham sab school mein famous bowlers ko copy karte thhey,

match haarna jeetna… who cares!

Shaam tak pant ki backside laal honi chaahiye…lagey ki cricket match khel ke Aaye hain…

phir covid 19 / corona Aaney ki vajeh se cricket mein ball pe thook laganey ko ban kar diya gaya thha…

Ke bhai thook se virus failega…

Voh ban…youll be happy to know…all you saliva fans…
iss Baar ke IPL mein hata diya gaya hai…
Kyon hataya ban?
Famous players ne kaha ban hatao…
bhaiya hamari ball swing nahin kar rahi dhang se…

Thook lagane se Ball swing karti hai!
What?!?! ball swing hoti hai??
Thook se?!
Tabhi! Kal mainey Apna pillow cover dhoney ke liye utara aur washing machine ki taraf phainka toh yeh swing kar kitchen mein pahunch gaya!

I love cricket and the IPL but Saara kuch perfect nahin ho sakta…

IPL match on karte hi sabse pehle kya sunaai deta hai…PAIN…PAIN…PAIN…

i dont like it - this pain-pain - ipl ki signature tune!

but I’m sorry, har vakt yaar…

70 Baar Baja diya…ab bas karo…yaar 2nd over start ho raha hai!

Its a branding sound - ipl brand ki sound hai…great…but I KNOW I am watching an ipl match!

You got me! I’m here!

Jab mainey tumhara product khareed liya hai, toh bechna band kar do!

Kisi ke happy birthday pe ek baar happy birthday gaate hain aur phir dhyaan cake aur return gift pe hota hai…

Agar birthday boy har 2 minute mein bajaaye…

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

Phir Aap pe pressure hai har baar taali bajaane ka otherwise its disrespectful…

Abhi mataji ne pepsi la ka rakhi hi hai…

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

Maine cake ka second piece Khatam bhi nahin kiya…

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

Tooh agley saal mat bulaaiyo yaar

(BIRTHDAY BUTTON)

apna cake aur chips main car mein finish karoonga…tu return gift de yaar…bahut ho gaya

Aap apni car mein office ja rahe ho…

har red light pe rukte hi aapki car bolti hai:

Creta, creta, creta, creta, creta!

Yaar khareed toh liya aapka brand…

arey creta mein hi toh baitha hoon…

Saath vaali uber se avaaz aa rahi hai…wagon r, wagon r, wagon r

side mein - activa, activa…atlas…atlas…

Peechey 1 bus khadi hai…(slow/deep) TA-TA

Aur aap thodi der pehle ghar se pareshaan ho ke nikley thhey

kyonki nahate hue har thodi der mein bathroom se goonj aa rahi hai…

Dove pink beauty bathing bar…dove pink beauty bathing bar!

Wife chilla rahi…acchha, phir mera saabun use kar rahe ho…

(Husband, applying soap)

…Stupid shouting soap!

phir office pahunch ke…

sab has rahe hain…because they hear…

jockey, jockey, jockey!

Har do minute mein…!!!

WAIT! MAYBE this pain-pain-pain is like A REMINDER?

Jaisey main kapdey khareedney ek dukaan mein ghusa hoon aur sales girl aa ke bol rahi hai…

sir bahar sign dekha aapne…pajamas are on s-s-s-s—s-s-s- SALE!!

Yes thank you, main sign dekh ki hi andar aaya hoon

2 minute baad…sir, pajame…40% off HAIN!!!…

Arey, ok! main kuch pehen ke bhi nahin aaya…pajama khareed ke hi jaaonga…

i’m in your store…pls stop bothering me…!!

2 minute baad dukaan mein announcement kar rahi hai…

puh puh puh puh pajaame…

sale pe hain, 2nd floor pe…

cotton bhi, silk bhi, velvet vaale bhi

IPL, please STOP SELLING TO ME…RELAX…

I’m yours, tooney mujhe propose kiya…mainey haan keh di…ab take it easy…

Mota ho ja…mujhpe dhyaan dena band kar de…

I love you…Hamari kabhi ladai nahi hogi…

Aur agar ho bhi gayi toh main boloonga…IPL gussa thook do…

Its allowed now!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 21, 2025:

Sunita williams returns from space

(SAAS/BAHU…

HAIR/STYLE/TOP-5…

SPACE STN HABITS)

Subah ka bhoola agar shaam ko ghar aa jaye toh ussey bhoola nahin kehte…
(QUICK>) ussey poochtey hain boeing pe jaane ki bhool Kyon kee thhee bhooley…
or, bhooli…in this case!
Sunita Williams 9 maheeney tak International space station pe atkey rehne ke baad, vaapas aa gayi hain!
Quick reminder - Sunita Williams aur butch Wilmore, 2 American astronauts, JUNE 2024 mein 8 din ke mission ke liye Gaye thhey…ab aa rahe hain…

Sunita ji 9 maheeney se kya kar rahi thhee space station / ISS pe…
First - experiments,
Second - exercise,
Third - har thodi Der mein Jaake flight information board pe dekhna…
(LOOK AT GREEN SCREEN PIC)
abhi bhi delayed hi dikha raha hai…Pune ki flight nikal gayi, Delhi ki nikal gayi,
yaar yeh earth ki flight mein hamesha panga hota hai…

June 2024 mein Nikal gayi thhee space station Jaane ke liye…kya pata thha ki itney din vahin upar atki rahengi
Peechey se cooker mein daal chadha ke gayi thhe…
Gas on!
Hafton tak inki saas apne kamrey se chilla rahi hai
“bahu, daal ka cooker band kar do…
8600 seetiyan aa chuki hain…
ab tak toh daal gal ke radioactive lava ban gayi hogi…
Phir sunita ji ghar pahunchi toh saas ke taaney shuru
“Oh, aa gayi bahu…badi der kar di office se aane mein…
Overtime toh milega na?
Haan bhai oonchey loag ho…
koi baat nahin daal maine fresh bana di thee…tumhare aur michael ke favourite amchoor powder ke saath…
9 maheeney pehle vaali dal ka saas ko sabse pehle batana thha…jatana thha…tanna-nana thha
Btw, mera dimaag tedha chalta hai so I am imagining sunita williams space station mein earth ke around ja rahi hai…aur jitni bhi baar apne earth pe ghar ke upar nikal rahi hai…
Bol rahi hai…
(MOVING off cam and on camera to show rotation in space station)
Mummy ji main dal…!!
Gas pe chhodd aayi hoon….!!
3 seeti aa jayen to band kar dena…!!
Aur issey pehle ki main bhool jaaon…
Ek aur baat…
Dont add amchoor powder…!!
michael and I hate that…!!
That’s it…!!
see you in 9 days…!!
Hopefully…!!

Arey bahu, voh india se mere jodon ki davaai le aai? Space station vahin india ke upar se hi guzar raha thha na tumhara?
mummy ji, india aur har country ke upar se hi guzar rahi thhee main but I cant stop or go down and get stuff from earth like that…
Accha koi baat nahin bahu, maine tumhare michael ko janam hi toh diya thha bas!
yeh nahin socha thha ki iss umar mein ussey extra 9 maheeney sambhaalna padega…
Lo, dal ready hai…

Lets not forget about the main culprit…yeh Saara panga kiski vajeh se hua thha…

GV / aunty: boeing!…boeing ke rocket mein gayi thhey yeh dono astronauts…vaapsi mein boeing kaam nahi kar raha thha…isliye spaceX ka rocket le ke aaya

We should not forget about boeing or ignore boeing or disrespect boeing…
WHY?
Bhaiye, Sunita Williams ko toh elon musk ka spaceX rocket le aaya…
Hamein india aana jaana ho toh, spaceX abhi delhi airport pe land nahin karta.,..
boeing ka hi sahara hai!
Hamara gaana Thhaa last year - JO BHI BOEING, VOH HI PAAYING…but we ended that with “JAI HO BOEING….JAI HO BOEING!”

Donald Trump ko pata chala ki sunita williams earth vaapas aa rahi hai
The first thing he said…oh that lady with the wild hair
Logon ko accha nahin laga…yaar uskey baalon ke baarey mein aisa kyon keh raha hai…
Its like ulta chor kotwal ko hairstyling advice de!
But funny cheez ab yeh ho rahi hai ki sunita williams ka space station zero gravity ka floating hairstyle India mein super famous ho gaya hai…
Har jagah…ladkiyan keh rahi hain, hum science exam se pehle SUNNY CUT karva ke jaayengi…
SUNNY CUT …kuch stylist usko kehtey hain HAIR UP THERE

bollywood movies aaney vaali hai hain…ek ke baad ek…

BAAL HO NA HO….
KESH PREMEE…
HAIR AFFAIR EEEE!
Yeh loag water mein land kiye aa ke…
aasmaan se aaye ocean mein tapkey
dolphins ne welcome kiya…ooh nice…we have a picture…

WE are fans of Sunita wiliams and so are sea creatures!!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 17, 2025:

AFTER-HOLI ANALYSIS - stop throwing gubbarey, tomatoes and…students?!

2-3 din pehle holi thhe…belated happy holi…did you celebrate holi?
AUNTY/GV: yes!!
Dekhne se nahin laga raha ki aapne holi kheli thhee…proper colour vagergah ke saath…
ya toh you are lying or maybe you invest in really good soap…
Acchhi baat hai, personally, after holi, I prefer Sephora products…
Baaki ka saal, main moti ya dettol ya cinthol se chala leta hoon but
After holi, I need my Sephora…meri secret hai holi colour cleanse aur toner ke beech Mein ek gentle hydrating cleanser…
Most people forget the 2nd gentle cleanser!
Holi pe people are being asked to not throw…stuff…
Colour, water, water-balloons…kuch mat phainko UNLESS you have permission…
Permission? Jisko colour Lagana hai…uski permission honi chaahiye…I guess modern zamana hai…
(Sarcastic, moonh bana ke >) “Sabki rights aur personal choice hai”
Har holi pe hum suntey aaye hain…
“aaj na chodenge bas humjoli, khelenge hum holi”…
Where is the permission in those words?
Me lord…
“Aaj NA chodenge” implies ki permission Nahin lee gayi…
permission lene ka koi indication ya intention nahin thha…
koi legal agreement nahin thha…
agar kuch Thha toh toh voh thha 2 badi peetal ki plates mein gulaal aur rajesh Khanna aur unkey saamne neechey zameen pe ek female dancer jinka naam mujhe nahin pata…
Aur asha parekh who gave an excellent performance as “Madhavi” by the way!
But no “permission” me lord, just fun!
mr khanna says…chaahe bheegey teri chunariya…chaahe bheegey choli…
He did not ASK…
may I apply coloured powder on your face, may I throw this probably harmful checmical in the air whilst knowing that it may land on all that are present in this area…
may I spray a stream of water on to you using this cylindrical gun type object?
No, he did not say that!
Yeh modern govts kehti hain kisi ki permission na ho toh colour mat lagao…
yaar ab main pehle permission slip check karoon?
Holi hai…oh wait wait…NOC dikha do yaar pehle…
guys wait, guys wait, hold on to your gulaals…happy holi is happy ONLY if its also kaanooni!
Saare loag jaib mein NOC le ke ghoom rahe hain…
Laminate karva ke!
“Do me a favour”… lets abide by all the laws!
“Balam pichkari jo tune mujhe paari, toh mera lawyer bola case pakka ho gaya!”
Gubbare mat phainko…bechaare aaj kal ke bacchey…
main apni school cricket team ka best fielder kyon thha…
strong arm…strong throws - le ke dikhaao run
…mera arm kaisey develop hua??…
March ke ek din, 8am - 11am gubbara throwing!! That was my practice!
now if gubbara throwing is not allowed…arms wont develop…
Banning gubbara throwing will lead to what? Koi door se throw nahin kar sakta…
sab ke sab ko batsman ke aas paas hi fielding karvaani padegi
so we will obviously end with 10 wicketkeepers on the team…
Kitna sad hoga voh din future mein…
jab we realize ki we banned gubbara-throwing on holi and see today we dont have a virat kohli…
or jadeja…or you know gun fielders!

IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO STOP FESTIVE FAINKNA…stop these people!
For example…
Spain ka La Tomatina festival…
Inko roko…tamaatar phainktey hain…
tomatoes are expensive…
here in canada, we cant afford to throw away precious tomatoes…
Hamara saara tamaatar hamare padosi Desh america se aata hai…unkey saath pangey chal rahe hain…sabse pehle kya mehanga hua…tamaatar…
Main kal market gaya thha…ek aunty tamaatar khareed rahi thhen
Boli: please give me 1/2 kg tomatoes
Dukaandar bola, how will you pay?
Boli: here, here is my home ownership, my car keys and my first born son…
Prateek, ab se yeh big bazaar uncle nahin hain…he is now your big bazaar papa! Ok, love you…
ghar mat aa jaana, vaisey bhi itne se tamaatar hain, tumhaare original papa bhar bhar ke bhartey mein dalvaate hain!
Tomatoes are expensive!
yahan pe sasti canadian cheezein phaink ke celebrate kar lete hain ab…for example…
Potatoes…aloo yahan sasta hai…but aloo fainkna…I guess it’ll hurt…excellent practice for cricketers but chot lag jaayegi
I mean ubaal ke phaink sakte hain i guess
You can throw cheap maple syrup…yahan bahut Hota hai
But pichkaari mein bharna mushkil hai…
bhar lo toh pichkaari chalana mushkil hai…
So instead of throwing all this stuff…
canada mein we prefer to throw international students…
Out…of the country…
Unko uthaa ke bahar phaink dete hain…
Throwing students is not festive…bechaare students…
Yahan pe housing aur healthcare ki problems solve karne ke liye indian students ko Utha ke phaink do…
Aapne voh kahavat sunee hai “throwing the baby out with the bath water”
AUNTY/GV - yeah, gaihoon ke saath ghun bhi pista hai
I guess iss idiom mein baby international students hain aur students Jahan bath le rahe thhey…voh canada hai…
Saare babies keh rahe hain arey yaar…. kyon Ghuse canada ke bathtub mein…UK ka shower choose kar liya hota…america mein baalti se naha lete

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 12, 2025:

Aaj mujhe nostalgia ho raha hai kyonki aaj ki news call centre ke baare mein hai…

I used to work in a call centre in Gurgaon back in the day jab main raat ko 11 bajey ke baad jaag sakta thha

and 9 aur ladkon ke saath cab mein fit aa sakta thhaa…

it was nice …we were so close to each other

Btw, You know call centres, right?

Jinko na pata ho…call centre voh jagah hai Jahan meri mummy ne mujhe force kiya thha job lene ke liye taaki voh meri matrimonial ad mein MNC likhva sake…

MNC likhvaana actually backup plan thha…

she was hoping ki phone pe hi koi karen, amanda ya susan pata le toh gaadi chal padegi…

I liked my call centre…

it was just like a family…like a moden family…

hum sab agents call centre pahunchtey thhey,

2 minute hello-hi kartey thhe

aur phir ghanton tak apne-apne phones pe lag jaatey thhey…see perfect modern family!

I’m a little Nostalgic…puraani yaadein brain mein peechey se front pe Kyon aa gayi hain unn call centre days , rather nights ki…

Btw - Night shift jobs - the true meaning of jaag-rann

Hamari night shift hoti thhee -

So that means raat 10 bajey se 1 bajey tak americans ko unkey bank account ki information dena -

sir may I have you account number…

yes mr smith you will have to pay the overdraft fee sir…

no mr smith I did not call you a moron because your cheque bounced,

(Mean, angry >>) I can see in your account that you spent $400 on cryptocurrency and $900 this month on dog massage

I didnt call you a moron,

you dont understand basic finance mr smith…so I called you stupid

Raat 1 se 2 tak cafeteria mein prathey, ya butter maggi aur machine se button daba ke free coffee…or free brown water if the coffee machine is empty…phir uska darvaaza khol ke dekh rahe hain…yaar, Kamaal hai coffee refill nahin kartey ye loag, phir hila rahe hain machine ko…

2am se 4:30am tak phir americans ki banking related issues solve karna…

hi again mr smith, no ididn’t hang up earlier beacause you were shouting …

I hung up beacause my fellow agents were laughing too loudly when they saw you spent $25 on American flag underwear - xtra small

of course you can talk to my supervisor…

4:30am se 6:30am - ek “how to behave with customers” ki one on one class attend karna

aur 7:30am pe cab mein baith ke ghar jaatey hue rush hour traffic mein phasna…

koshish karna ki jhapki lete hue saath vaale ki taang pe thook ne girey

aur agar gir jaaye aur jab voh jhanjhod ke uthaaye toh…

hain, ashok vihar aa gaya?! Nahin?! Toh kyon uthaya mujhe moron, stupid!

So you know - nostalgia ho raha hai mujhe aaj!

Kuch bhi ho, ek cheez jo call centre job mein hamesha feel hoti thhe, was respect…people were nice and polite - I wasnt - but my colleagues were…

But voh respect ka zamaana gaya…because of companies like teleperformance…

Big, huge call centre teleperformance in India, Phillipines and many other countries…

India ke call centre agents ke accent inko ya inkey customers ko pasand nahin aa rahe thhe so they have added an AI filter

AI filter will “remove” or “soften” the Indian accent…instantly…

why do you need to change the indian accent?

To make them sound not Indian?

Be indian, talk american?

Earn rupee, talk dollar?

Jhelo tangi, sound firangi?

teleperformance indian accent to white customers ke liye thoda palatable banana chahta hai…

So, this isnt an AI filter to soften the accent…

accent pe whitening formula laga rahe hain!

aapka accent mere accent se safed kaisey?

yeh to teleperf ke AI ka Kamaal hai…

Accent soft karney ka Matlab kya hai?

Indian call centre agent boley …Good morning sirr…

toh American ko sunaai de good morning sir! (TEDHA MOON!)

Like, bas Itney se ho jayega…sir sunayi de sir (american) that is what you want teleperformance…?

Deepak call pe mr smith se bolta hai…

Good morning sir, my name is deepak…

Mr smith Kehta hai…what??!! Who are you? Where are you?

Phir ai ka button on hota hai…translate hokey mr smith ko sunaai deta hai…

Good morning sir, my name is dee-pack

Mr smith kehta hai - ooh, thank god, dee-pack…

I was just talking to deepak…he was horrible…

but you sound white!…maybe off-white but close enough!

Mr smith ko (Indian) ‘Sir’ sunaai de toh - what? Aah, indian people…I’m gonne vote for trump

Mr smith ko (american) ‘sir’ sunaai de to toh-

I trust you, here is my social security number

and my account number and password

And… my daughter’s phone number…

I like you dee-pack!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

MAR 6, 2025:

>> Aaj main duniya ke smartest scientists ko warning dene aaya hoon, bollywood ko advice dene aaya hoon and Chanda mama ko ultimatum dene aaya hoon

its about this story >>

2032 mein - in about 7 years - ek asteroid hai jo earth se takrayega…

Asteroids - made up of rocks, metal etc floating around in space…

Many many of them but this one will hit us

its like GOD throwing a stone at this crazy earth…
kaisey paapi hain yeh loag…thats not what i imagined or planned…

god throwing stone at ghor kalyug…

god ka assistant aa ke bola…sir, ghor kalyug is here!

(Looks up from newspaper >> )…oh yeah??

(CHECKS WATCH)…already?!?!

oh, ok, is the asteroid ready…

yes sir!…

kitne ka timer lagaya hai…

7 years sir, 2032 mein hit karega sir

Suno, I still like these people, sudhar jaayen toh side se nikaal dena…

Yes sir main driver ko Bol deta hoon… “haan bhaichara, pyaar mohabbat badti lagey toh bypass se nikaal liyo asteroid…haan voh venus se hota hua jupiter nikal jaaiyo…aur haan solar system border pe rokein toh mujhe phone lagayiye seedha…arey haan phone kar diye bas!
Yeh asteroid driver iss baar thoda slow type ke Mila hai…oh my you!

TIMES of INDIA ne yeh chhapa apne newspaper mein…

headline on feb 20 — NASA has lowered the risk of this asteroid hitting earth - here’s the latest!

Headline on feb 22 — asteroid in 2032…is Mumbai at risk? Here’s what we know!!

Headline on feb 24 — threat to Mumbai and Kolkata? Here’s what we know!!

(Suspicious) what do you really know times of India…are times getting bad of India?
Human beings 2032 mein dainik jagrans karenge ya nahin…
If you know, tell us!

Pehle mumbai, then Kolkata…
(Loud TV guy>) Agar har 2 din mein ek nayi city jod rahein hain…
Toh aapka mohalla kab list mein include ho jayega?

Subscribe to Times of india for 7 years to find out!

Chances hain ki yes Asteroid moon ko hit karega…ok…good!

Chanda ‘MAMA’ should defend us…no?! Seems like he’s single, what does he have to lose?

And if Chanda mama doesnt save us from this asteroid…we need to discuss our mamaji options…

I know mars thoda door hai but be honest, what is cooler — Chanda mama ya ’mangal mama’!

Asteroid ki vajeh se Duniya ke saare pessimistic loag….my niraashavaadi brothers and sisters…

they’re like…YES! I WIN! Pessimism… We all will lose but for now…I WIN!

Sab dekh lo! Aisey hi meri negative thinking aur depression pe taane maarte thhey tum loag…

kar lo apna happy happy optimism for another half decade…

Stree aur pushpa zyaada se zyaada 7 tak aa jayengi…thats it

Singham can try but he wont be able to return again

(Mocking tone >) ooh, main life mein kuch karna chaahta hoon…

Interview mein poochein ki where do you see yourself in 10 years…

Bol dena - I don’t!

hunh?! (Point to asteroid on green screen!!)

toh pessimists will rejoice…

Most others…logon ka pehla emotion hoga - DARR

but phir …when people see ki jo hona hai voh hona hai…

duniya mein kya faayda-ness chhaa jaayegi…

…har cheez main loag karenge…ehn! kya faayda……

just resigned to the situation…apathy…

monu ki mummy keh rahi hai beta asteroid pe essay likha…kya faayda…

monu ki behen keh rahi hai, shaadi kyon karoon…kya faayda…

monu ke papa monu ki mummy se keh rahe hain…suno darling, I know maine saat phere lete hue vachan diya thha ki main hamesha loyal rahoonga, kabhi kisi parai aurat pe nazar nahin daalonga…but kya faayda!

Bollywood movies banata hai current society dekh ke…

next year picture aayegi…title hoga: EHN!

HIT SONG: PFFT, KYON?! Aahnn! Second paragraph: (AHEM) ahnhnhnhn!!

The lyricist will make millions -

but kya faayda…

hollywood movies mein asteroid ki situation saalon se dikha rahe hain…

Asteroid aa raha hai…2-3 specialist bhej do…

Voh asteroid pe rocket land karenge…bomb lagayenge…asteroid phod denge ya jhatke se khiska denge…

kahan hai sab ke sab? bhejo unhi ko asteroid sambhaalne…sabko rocket mein bharo…

tom cruise se le kar tom and jerry tak

Hollywood movies mein someone was sent to the asteroid to drill a hole, place a bomb and the explosion would move it slightly…

Let india handle it…in real life…

We’ll call it…like Chandrayaan and gaganyaan…asteroid pe jaana hai…

Ass-Yaan

NEWS HEADLINE “ASS-YAAN READY FOR EXPLOSION ON ASTEROID”

Ass-yaan seems disrespectful
Maybe a different name…asteroid in Hindi is ‘KSHUDRAGRAHA’…KSHUDRA-YAAN…

Maybe use a spicejet ka plane - very similar to ass-yaan anyway

Or something completely different that incorporates indian culture and the name will easily convey going to antariksh…antariksha…

Antariksha mein kaun kaun jayega…a digging specialist, a bomb specialist…and

And aunty…aunty dhyaan rakhengi, empathy …beta garmi bahut ho rahi hai…radiation tagdi hai aaj asteroid pe…accha lo, break le lo, yahan chhaon mein baith ke…yeh lo chai aur 2-2 parle-G kha lo…

2032 main asteroid…2025 mein breaking news di hai…yaad kaun rakhega…har saal breaking news ka countdown aayega…7 years se…6 years…(pause)…5 years…(yawn)…4 years…(yawn - see you next year!)

Asteroid ke naam pe insurance policy zaroor bikne lagegi…
Something like
Punarjanam life insurance…
Har janam mein aapke Saath
Policy not valid for 3rd life

I doubt these scientists sometimes…shak hota hai…
Agar asteroid nahin aaya…paas se nikal gaya…kya saza mile scientist ko…hamein itna daraane ki…

monu ab 16 years old and still in 4th kyonki 7 saal se asteroid essay taal raha hai…

Scientist ne galti kar di thhee..

“Voh, (looking in telescope)…laga ki aa raha hai…par Maine a+b whole square ka bracket nahin khola thha…mera bodmas shuru se weak hai

inki warnings weird hoti hain…this asteroid will come so close to earth…aaaah!

How close? 80,000 kms…!

What?

Mainey kisi ko sadak pe chaltey hue truck se bachana hai…
AUNTY!! (Slow motion - pulls aunty from road)

Shukar hai, bach gai aap, dhyaan kahan hai, voh truck takkar maar deta toh?

Kaunsa truck??!!

(Shows Telescope)…voh dekho, bhopal se kitni speed se iss taraf aa raha hai…

Chalo, aap apne rocket ke liye ready ho jao…chai aur parle-G pack kar liye na?

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

FEB 14, 2025:

VALENTINE’s Day pe new perfumes - virat kohli beard oil, dadi ka pota AND Suar da puttar?

Dominos in uk and ireland valentines day pe ek special perfume nikala hai…
they are running a contest where 65 people can win this…EAU DE PASSION…

A perfume that smells like PEPPERONI PIZZA…yes…pig se bani pepperoni…

For this contest - You can fill out this form…simple form asking for name and address…

Its missing a question… “aapke Bachpan mein aisi kya durghatna ghati thhee ki Badey ho kar aapko pig perfume mein interest hai”?

Is form ki legal terms and conditions mein ek term hai: cannot complain if not happy with the perfume

So, agar aapne yeh perfume lagaya and you feel you don’t smell like a fried pig, you cannot complain…

Ek England ka uncle jeeta thha…lets say joss Buttler uncle…

joss Uncle ke paas aaya BUT he feels he doesnt smell like a fried pig…email likh raha hai…
(BRITISH ACCENT) > dear dominos, I put on your perfume for a first date with a lady who is a fan of pepperoni, cheese and other carbohydrates…

she would have loved it but alas, when I met her, she said I smelled like an orginal cheese and tomaatoh pizza…not pepperoni at all…

imagine my shock and sheer horror…suffice it to say, the date did not proceed…

I won your perfume contest but have lost out on what could have been a long term relationship…

I expect an apology from you but will accept a gift card for any south Birmingham dominos branches…

Yours disappointedly, joss.

India ka dominos same cheez karega…

Ashok apni girlfriend ko surprise dega…Milne jayega ussey…

hey babe, I brought a valentine’s gift for you…

pssss…psss…

Sniff-sniff…oh, ashok, sniff-sniff…I smell like a veggie paradise and garlic breadsticks…you are so sweet…you know those are my favourites…

Ashok kehta hai…wait wait baby! Psss….pssss…

Sniff-sniff….oh, khan market ki big chill cakery ka banana killer chiller shake!!

oh, I love you ashok…

Tumne iss dominos perfume se mera dil jeet liya… voh bhi in 30 minutes or less

This needs to be expanded…kya business idea hai kisi naye start up ke liye…
perfumes according to the person - jisko dena hai, uski life se juda hua perfume

Apne kanjoos father ke liye perfume mangvaya….seedha ja ke spray kar do… - pss…psss…aah! Smells like a Fixed Deposit…oh wait…jaldi paisey nikaalne pe bhi no penalty vaali FD! Thanks beta!!

To Daadi - psss….pssss….aah smells like a second knee operation

To indian cricket fan - kitna chalega India mein yeh perfume

psss…psss…aah! Virat kohli beard oil!!

Thanks papa, you know how I look up to virat kohli’s awesome beard!

Beta, aisey hi marks laate raho, next year I will buy you shubman gill face butter…

Haha yes dad, shubman gill indian team ki chikni chameli hai!

saas ke liye perfume - bahu has to be careful

psss.…psss…

Saas kehti hai…aah smells like a pota…

bahu, childless…“career focussed”…modern woman honay ke bavjood aaj tumne mera dil jeet liya!

Voh thha na father jiska beta acche marks laya thha…toh he got the virat kohli beard oil…

What about a father whose son just…keeps failing…

Yeh kya hai papa…?

psss….psss….papa isme toh pepperoni ki smell aa rahi hai…

Abye toh fail hota rahega toh yehi Milega na…suar de puttar!!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

FEB 10, 2025:

emo music plays...

hey bhagvaan, mere pairon ke naakhoonon ki growth ab rok de bhagvaan…bas ab nahin hota…

ab voh dedh metre ki doori nailcutter se pairon tak…nails kaatne ke liye…ab nahin tayy ki jaati prabhu!

pairr ki chinni ungli ka nail kaatney mein saans aisey chadhti hai jaisey dedh km joggin kee ho…in nails ka badhna rok de!

pehle toh sirf tondd adti thhee…par ab…age related back issues bhi ho gaye hain aur kamar ka kamra ban gaya hai… jab forwards aur backwards dono hi saath nahin dete toh main downwards kaisey jaoon bhagvaan…

kitne prayatn karta hoon…aadha tedha moonh bana ke…tongue aise, aisey bahar nikaal ke poori koshish karta hoon…but its pointless…

Btw bhagvaan, effort karte hue jeebh nikalti kyon hai, kahan ja rahi hai yeh jeebh, tongue aur taang ka kya rishta hai jo chal padti hai apne garage se nikal ke!

Anyway…

last week i asked my wife to help with cutting my toe nails and she said chhee! You’re disgusting! Ew! …really?! Ew?!

ek samay thha ki wives apney husbands ke pairr chhootee thheen (QUICK>) which i think was sexist, it was too much, the males of our species have tried to dominate the female and it is not right i know and know yeh equality ka zamana hai…

(NORMAL>) but god, pairr ke naakoon kaatne ka bola toh saaf mana kar diya…boli, parlour se pedicure kara lo…

Parlour Jaaon? Main?….

(QUICKER>) Hamare parivaar ka parlours se relationship accha nahin raha hai god…

mom ek baar gayeen theen aur jab ghar aayeen toh dad ne helpful tareekey se kaha thha ki tum, voh 4th floor vaali ruchi jis parlour mein jaati hai VOH parlour kyon nahin try karti…now that place does a FANTASTIC JOB…

Vaah! Like, super! I mean whoa ho ho!

(PAUSE)

For some reason, tab se mom ne parlour jaana band kar diya thha…

toh aaj main peechey ki gali ke shaalini beauty parlour and academy aaya hoon…khush toh tum bahut hogey aaj shalini parlour vaalon…

iss baar i will try it, iss ek baar main parlour se pairoon ke nails katva loonga, pedicure karva loonga kyonki mujhe pata hai ki mera yeh step tumhe khush kar dega aur mere paas shalini beauty parlour ka gift card hai…wife ki boss ne diwali pe diya thhaa…expiry date se pehle koi toh use karey…

next time, mujhe yahan naa aana padey toh that will be best…

(TURN TOWARD GREEN SCREEN >> DOOR OPEN SOUND >> FULL SCREEN IMAGE OF PARLOUR INTERIOR…SCARED LOOKING STAFF )

RECORD AUDIO SEPARATELY WITH DOOR OPEN and AMBIENT SOUND >>

“Hi, I need a pedicure”

Parlour staff: Chhee!! You’re disgusting!! Ew!!

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

FEB 1, 2025:

Coca Cola ne Europe ki multiple countries se apna maal vaapas utha liya - recall kar liya - because of chemical chlorate.
Chlorate disinfect karne ke kaam aata hai…thoda zyaada reh gaya bottles mein…
Vim laga ke baith gaye thhey phir paani chala gaya hoga

this could be dangerous to consumers of coke
I think coke has decided ki itni cheeni aapko dheerey dheerey maarey…hum jaldi maarne ki koshish karenge…you see logon ke attention span kam ho gaye hain…no patience to wait for diabetes to take hold…

Coke Vaalon ki meeting - (IN ENGLISH) …
we added CARAMEL COLOR, PHOSPHORIC ACID, ASPARTAME, POTASSIUM BENZOATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, ACESULFAME POTASSIUM, CAFFEINE …heck, we even put in this thing I cant pronounce…pheny…phenyl…pheny LA LA …NINE….but now chlorate! Enough, I mean whoA! guys, (GLASSES OFF DRAMATIC) …have some respect for our customers!

Market se coke gaayab - bday parties sooni pad gayin…bacche keh rahe hain - abey hum dry state mein rehte hain kya? Coke lao!
Ek aunty bhaagi bhaagi market ja ke dekh rahi hai..dukaandar pe chilla rahi hai…coke kahan hai? coke do mujhe…bacchey meri jaan kha jayenge aur main apni rum aisey hi peeongi kya?!?!
Grocery store vaala keh raha hai - madam rum and coke bina coke ke zyaada healthy hoga

chlorate Miley hue coke ko pee ke obviously pait kharab ho jaayega…aapka pait saaf nahin hota toh faayda hai…kya hamari soft drink se kisi ka actually mein koi faayda hoga…NO, RECALL IT!

Chlorate is used to clean/disinfect in coca cola production …btw chlorate has many uses…including explosives banane mein…
yaar, vapas kyon recall kar liya market se…just promote it as COKE: BAROOD…
Recall kar ke market se botlein vaapas kyon uthha leen…kisi ko diarrheah ho jaata toh bol dete…bhaisahab COKE: BAROOD piyogey toh explosions toh Honge na!

COKE: barood ko ad banani chaahiye…
“Isme cola ki shakti, isabgol ka aaraam…COKE BAAROOD!”

Tag line (AI - model with bottle in front of washroom) -

Which do u prefer?…
“Ab jao andar, hyper ho kar”
“Baarood andar, Andar Samandar”
“Baarood andar, andar bavandar”
“Baarood Ka Can, for when you can’t”
“Kaala paani, ab jangal paani quality ke saath”
“Coke: Barood You will love our side effects”
“Coke Baarood - Ahhh Se Aggghhh tak”

Baat is your problem...

Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...

JAN 19th / 20th, 2025:

Hi guys, I’m back…you know me…I’m vloginder aur yeh hai mera videshi vlog…

If you dont know, agar aap mujhe pehli baar dekh rahe ho…toh, i’m sad, how are you not subscribing…main itney saarey 1 vlog kar chuka hoon…

Anyway, iss baar I’m so excited kyonki main aapke favourite or kuch ke not so favourite president trump ki inauguration ceremony dekhne ja raha hoon…

Yahan videsh mein rehne ka faayda yehi hai ki yeh videsh se doosra videsh saara paas paas hai…aur pata hai ek videsh se doosrey videsh kitni jaldi pahunch jaatey hain…FOREIGN! Ha ha get it? Nahin voh main bola na foreign…which is like turant but in English foreign jaise foreign count (CUTS TO NEXT SCENE)

Main president trump ki first time inaguration ceremony 2016 mein dekhne gaya thha…yeh dekho, yeh Khada main…(pauses)….aur voh mere videshi friends…voh Jim aur voh Jim ka cousin…usne naam nahin bataya thha apna

Iss baar its very expensive to go…trump vaalon ne bola ki show dekhna hai toh free hai but president trump se Milna hai toh 1 million dollars lagenge…and guess what…mainey pay kiya hai…I’m very excited…I’m so…haan? Hain? (Goes mostly off camera…shouting and asking if his mom paid the million, crying, bawling that she didnt)

CUT TO > toh hi guys, vloginder this side…so, main trump show mein nahin ja raha hoon…mummy ko ghar pe kuch help chaahiye…so anyway…(SAD)…

CUT TO> this was videshi vlog with vloginder…main thhaa vloginder…until next time…

Like, share, subscribe, log out, wash, rinse, repeat…

Forever - You and V

———————————————-

“AD” for TRUMPISTAN MEMBERSHIP- (wear a suit jacket and sit on stool …

CAN KEEP READING AND PERFORMING LINES INTO THE CAMERAS - will be EDITED TOGETHER

(2 or 3 angles for weirdly looking at wrong one as well)

COCAINEY, AGGRESSIVE, WIDE EYES, INTO CAM

Maharaj Donald Trump DONGARH bana rahe hain…

EDIT/POST > JAN 20

HI THERE, my name is kashyap Patel…

ppl call me kash…

mr trump calls me…whenever he wants to.

do you want your country to be ruled by TRUMP?…do you want to be a part of DONGARH…I mean hona toh hai hi…aaram se maan jao to accha rahega…

DONGARH mein ham Sabka future bright hoga. Aap, aapki aankhon ke taare…aur baaki saare…

Just imagine it…in fact, let us all close our eyes and imagine together…I am closing my eyes, right now, I promise

(Looks slightly off camera with EYES WIDE OPEN…) sorry, meri aankh lag gayi thhee

In the interest of good relations…maharaj trump has asked me to send out this membership form…fill this out and send it to me - Kash Patel with a cheque or money order or crypto…no Kash…trump has kash…

Answer these 2 simple questions on the membership form…

Question 1…TELL US HOW U WANT MAHARAJ TRUMP TO BECOME your RULER

TARRIFFS laga ke?
Ya old fashioned chadhaai karva ke
Ya, aap khud hi apni country ki power of attorney hamein bhej dogey?

Note: chadvaai ya annexation ka extra charge lagega…rs 15 per person ke hisaab se

Question 2:

Does your country have WHITE people?

If yes, how many?

If no, why not?

Note: If you don’t have white people, IT/JAva/Advance Java/Hadoop/Selenium/Python/ASP.net AND SQP server trained non-white people are also acceptable.

Hum aapkey membership forms ka aankhey biccha ke intezaar karenge…

Top google searches of 2024

WORLD: top 10:

copa America
Football
WORLD T20 cricket
#4 - IND vs England - ind vs England? Probably cricket…ok. I assume!!
#5 - Donald trump - aisa kya hua thha?
#6 - IND vs Bangladesh - either cricket or maybe sheikh hasina’s computer - better to live - ind vs ban

HUM TO SEARCH - in the world

#9 - naadaniyan - akshath??
Can we find BIYP by humming it…
let us ALL try…

Can we find other things by JUST HUMMING?

YAAR DEEPAK, ghar pe bore ho rahe hain…horror picture dekhen?
Haan ruk main google pe search karta hoon OTT pe kausi acchi horron movie available hai:
HI GOOGLE…DOOR CREAKS OPEN…KAUN HAI KAUN HAI…EE EE EE EE…!

OTHER THINGS we can search using HUM to search…

Hi google…(cough! Sneeze!) -paas ka clinic khula hai
Hi google - choo-choo…tejas rajdhani 2 bajey chalti hai
Hi google - aaaaaaaa…DHAAD…Parachute jumping
Yaar Rajesh, horror picture ke saath ek aadh drink hoti toh mazaa aa jaata…
HAAN HAAN (shake glass in ice)
Yaar - yeh toh paas ke Nasha mukti Kendra bata raha hai yaar…

**************

PAKISTAN - a curious thing…

mukesh Ambani was in top 10 PEOPLE searched on google
What do we think?

WHAT ABOUT INDIA:

OVERALL Top 10 - you can guess…(#1 IPL, #2 T20 world cup, #3 BJP, #4 Elections… #5 Olympics…#6 excessive heat…#7 Ratan tata….#8 congress…#9 kabaddi league…#10 super league

INDIA - people searched - #8 - radhika merchant…

so, Pakistan mein mukesh Ambani…india mein radhika merchant…
hello what about the DULHA and DULHE KI MA?
The most important people…HELLO!!

Google done, lets look at BING…

har country mein top BING search thhe…how to search on google!

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...DEC 22nd show:

THE SKIT:

ELVES (ALWAYS OVER-CHEERFUL):

yay! Christmas!

SANTA: oy, kyon shor macha rahe ho?

AUNTY: hi SANTA CLAUSE, baat is your problem ka Christmas show karna hai

SANTA: pehlie baat main Santa nahin Sunny clause hoon…I look after south asian and the Indian subcontinent region…aur baat is your problem? Koi show voh nahin kara raha main…

GV: santa…i mean sunny clause, baat is your problem ke paas aapki kuch photos hain…show toh karna padega…

AUNTY: PHOTOS bacchon ko dikh gayeen toh aapki image ki vaat lag jayegi

GV: Aur humne aapko uss din mrs malkaani ke saath ghoomtey hue dekha thhaa

AUNTY: Aur agley din mrs Chopra ke saath

GV: Aur 2 ghantey baad mr. Chopra ke saath…

SANTA: life mein meri 3 weaknesses hain…milk, cookies aur elf blackmail…

kya karna hai iss show mein?

AUNTY: toh…baat is your problem vaale news batate hain…

GV: aur tadka lagate hain…

SANTA: sounds boring.

AUNTY: toh aaj ke show mein hum iss saal 2024 mein kya news thhee voh batayenge

ok! Let’s go elf # 3…

GV: yay! Let’s go elf # 1

SANTA: vaah kya original naam Hain…elf # 1 aur elf # 3…aur elf # 2 kahan gaya?

GV: (still happily)…Stress leave!

GV: ok, sunny clause, pehle logon ko merry christmas bol dein?

AUNTY: Ho,ho,ho, Merry christmas!

SANTA: HO HO HO, MERRY…photos vaapas chaahiyen hain mujhe iss Dramey ke baad…aur negatives bhi…

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: sunny clause, sunny clause, duniya mein kya hua?

SANTA: duniya mein kya hua? POORI duniya mein? Main tumhe hey alexa lagta hoon? Ya voh kabadia wikipedia? Aur tum loag itney khush kyon ho? 2024 mein aisa kya hua hai jo tum itne positive aur cheerful ho? Kahin tum (SMOKING)…

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: senti clause, sunny clause, politics mein kya Hua

(PLAY EMO)

SANTA: politics! Saara politics! Ok, fine!! Duniya mein 60 se zyaada countries mein election hue…India mein same sarkar aayi, it was close but power was retained…UK mein rishi was rejected but the american shaitaan was summoned…again…trump 2.0 NO!…trump came back…but you know who did not come back…mrs clause…maayeke gayi thee 4 maheeney pehle…I miss you shobha Claus!!

…Aur main tumhara personal AI Santa nahin hoon…jaldi karo

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: senti Santa, sunny clause, cricket mein kya Hua

(PLAY EMO)

SANTA: haan cricket mein kya hua? Olympics hue iss Saal, kisi ko farak nahin padta…neeraj chopra itna tagda javeline fainkta hai…Chennai ka ek 18 saal ka ladka gukesh dommaraju world chess chamption bana,…no one cares…no one cares ki Mainey yeh poora north pole ka business apne haath aur aadha darjan reindeer ke balbootey pa Khada kiya…shobha, kya tum mere 6 se 8 affairs maaf nahin kar sakti….

anyway, jasprit bumrah ko dekh (TILT NECK) ke lagta hai ki voh har ball daalney se pehle sochta hai…Aaoon, na Aaoon, ball daaloon, nahin soch leta hoon…ravichandran ashwin retire ho gaya… kohli aur rohit Sharma slow motion mein retire ho rahe hain…baaki ki countries BCCI ki power se sadti hain…oh and how can I forget…(Do IPL pan-pan)

(PLAY FAST JINGLE)

AUNTY & GV: senti Santa, sunny clause, Bollywood mein kya Hua

(PLAY EMO)

SANTA: sequel pe sequel, sequel pe sequel…unfortunately iss saal original ideas haar Gaye aur pehle chali filmon ke 2nd ya 3rd parts aaye jaise stree 2, pushpa 2, bhool bhulaiyya 3 aur singham 3…I think uska sub title thha singham again took my money! AUR deepika padukone aur anushka sharma ke bhi sequels aaye…

(PAUSE)

they had babies.

(No change-CONTINUE EMO MUSIC)

GV: culture mein kya hua?

SANTA: ambani ki shaadi…bas yehi culture thha iss Saal ka…baaki ka culture mumbai ke traffic mein Phasa thha…Function pe function, function pe function, function pe function, function pe function…(REPEATS 5-6 fading out)

AUNTY : (JUMPS in AFTER A FEW REPEATS ABOVE)…business mein kya hua?

SANTA: ambani ki ek aur shaadi…reliance ne disney se merger kar liya aur india ke CEOs ne seekha ke all publicity is good publicity! (Show zomato, yes madam stuff)

GV: AMERICA mein kya hua?

SANTA: america…america is now trumpistan… Maharaja trump of trumpistan Kehta hai main dictator banna chaahta hoon…americans ne pehle hillary ko reject kiya thha, iss baar kamala ko reject kiya…obvisouly americans are anti-aunty…74 million KAANON ne Chun liya ANDHA raaja!

AUNTY: antariksh mein kya hua?

SANTA: chhodd aaye space station pe sunita williams ko…vaapas kaun layega…no one knows…haan Duniya ka sabse ameer aadmi elon musk..uss andhey raja ka mantri chor sipahi… apna rocket bhejega…mera sleigh le jao, 26 december se free ho jayega…

GV: kanoon mein kya hua?

(PLAY ACTION TENSION)

SANTA: (say in one breath>>)

tarikh par tarikh milti rahi hai ... lekin insaaf nahi mila my lord, insaaf nahi mila ... mili hai toh sirf yeh tarikh ///////. Chilaao mat ... nahi toh yeh case yahin rafaa dafaa kar doonga ... na tarikh na sunwai, seedha insaaf woh bhi tabartor ////// Kanoon aur insaaf taqatwar ke ghar ghulam bankar rehte hai/////Haveliyon ke farmaan ab kanoon nahi hote ... Hindustan azaad ho chuka hai/////Jhakh marti hai police, utaar kar phenk do yeh vardi aur pehan lo Balwant Rai ka patta apne gale mein

I’m sorry…Jaane kya ho gaya thha mujhe…but asli law and order mein Delhi ki ek adalat mein original butter chicken kisne banaya iska case aaya iss saal…food court ka maamla high court tak pahunch gaya hai…who will win? Naan of Us.

AUNTY: religion mein kya hua?

SANTA:…….. (PAUSE)…pagal samjha hai…I’m not touching that…NEXT!

AUNTY: senti santa, sunny clause…

Hamare questions toh bas itney hi thhey..

SANTA: Bas itna hi thhaa…yaar elf one aur…four…ya three…jo bhi hai…this was not too bad…main tumpe aise hi bigad raha thha…kyon main aagbaboola hua thha…I’m sorry about shouting earlier

(STOP ALL MUSIC)

AUNTY: next…hum padhenge voh letters jo bacchhon ne aapko bheje hain…

GV: yeh request karney ke liye ki aap christmas pe unhen kya la ke do!

SANTA: letter bheje hain? Kisne address leak kiya mera?

GV: pehla letter Bheja hai…india se diljit ne

AUNTY: Diljit Kehta hai…hi santa, main ek world famous singer hoon…but kuch loag complaint karne lagey hain ki main daaru ke baare mein zyaada gaaney gaata hoon…santa, mujhe advice chaahiye ki main kya karoon.

SANTA: diljit, sing about this yaar…(HOLD UP MILK)…take inspiration from “doodh doodh doodh hai wonderful, pee sakte hain roz glassful”…sing about milk diljit….if you need to say daaru, say duddu…if you need to say theka…say mother dairy…2 ghunt pila de saakiya baaki mere te rod de…well that one’s ok to say because, doodh skin ke liye acchha hota hai…

GV: agla letter bheja hai…India se MDH ne…

AUNTY: Arey MDH ke masaley jo iss Saal ban ho gaye thhey?

GV: MDH Kehta hai hamare masaley ab safe hain…

SANTA: MDH mahashay…aap santa ka yeh platform apne PR ke liye use nahin kar sakte…main aapko faaltu ka promote nahin karoonga, mere kuch standards hain, kuch asool hain…after all hamari society ethics or morals ke bina toh bikhar jaayegi…main bacchon ka idol hoon, aap sochtey ho ki main unkey liya aisa example banoonga…never.

GV: aur yeh last letter is from usha near Washington DC…

AUNTY: Arey, usha near Washington toh… usha vance…trump ke vice president JD Vance ki wife

GV: But yeh kya…usha ne kuch likha nahin, lagta hai apne ghar ka diagram bana ke bheja hai…

SANTA: main samajh gaya…its ok usha…main samajh gaya ki tum america se bhaag jaana chaahti ho…kaun rehna chahega vahan ab….thanks for sending this extremely detailed diagram of your house…25 December ki raat, theek saadhe baara bajey, meet me at your chimney, I’ll pick you up…(PICK UP EMPTY MILK GLASS)…keemat tum jaanti hi ho…ho ho ho

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...DEC 14th show:

Welcome to BIYP -

START WITH - I have decided to do 49% impressions…some people call them mimicry…because I’ve found that 49% copy is the best I can do …

Today - SANJEEV KUMAR

“Kabhi kabhi zindagi mein tukkey lagtey hain…jaisey aaj ke show ki 3 news stories mein…ek story russia ki, ek china ki aur ek india ki” aur in sabka connection meri superhit picture SHOLAY se hai

AND BY THE WAY…this is a 49% impression of someone who is confused between Sanjeev Kumar and Sanjeev Kapoor!!

Hariyali sabudana kabab banene ke liye sabudane ke saath, aaloo, roasted peanuts aur fresh coriander leaves bahut important ingredients hain…

3-4 hours

4 loagon ko serve kar payenge…

BUT BEFORE THAT…

Last Show Ki Best Line (LSKBL) -

“Bhaiya kele kaise diye hain”

Latest Baasi News # 1

RUSSIA (green screen - article clipping of Assad in russia + sholay type poster)

GV ka 3 tigaada:

Syria ka civil war (2011 mein start hua thha) aur syria ka dictator bashar al-assad rebels ke dar se bhaag lia
Bhaag ke pahuncha…russia
Putin Assad ka best friend hai…gave him asylum

- aunty ki interruption (oh this should be good)

raj kapoor 100th bday on DEC 14th
he was super famous in russia

SHOLAY POSTER - with Putin and Assad’s faces AND
SING “yeh dosti” in Russian and then SYRIAN
First line in Russian…YEH DOSTI…
my nikogda ne otkazhemsya ot etoy druzhby
(SHOW SUBTITLES on SCREEN)
Second line in ARABIC—-TODENGE DAM MAGAR…
lan 'atrukak hataa eindama ‘amut
SHOW SUBTITLES ON SCREEN

Latest Baasi News # 2

CHINA - (green screen will be the insta video along with the news article clipping)

China Unveils AI-Powered Police Robot To Chase And Catch Criminals

GV ka 3 teen tigaada:

It can throw a NET,
jump from heights and
run up to 35 kmph…

AUNTY ki interruption:

Sholay connection - police vaala jiskey haath nahin hai…
ROBOT TIRE INSTEAD OF THAKUR when GABBAR is cutting off his arms…PIC on bada apple

Btw, did you notice ki AI robot police vaaley ke saath 2 human actual police vaaley chal rahe Hain… “hamara AI robot police officer duniya ka sabse effective police officer hai unless robot ko koi Utha le”.

Please! robot police ki respect karein aur use godi mein na uthaayen!

Latest Baasi News # 3 (or make this the opening story??)

INDIA (gr screen is article clipping + boat/satellite image already done)

India mein ANDAMAN police ne drugs pakdi

https://apple.news/AlFnPToI7SyepjTSo5HpTyQ

GV ka 3 tigaada:

Drug - methemphatamine or meth
6000 kg
worth RUPEES 36,000 CRORES

AUNTY ki interruption:

COMING from MYANMAR to ANDAMAN ISLANDS
6 smugglers
6 loag, 1 boat, itne din tak - washroom toh ek hi hoga

Musk ki company starlink - jo ki satellites ke through internet provide karti hai…Indian govt musk se information maang rahi hai ki kaisey kuch smugglers ne india mein drugs smuggle keen…
Caught by Andaman police!
Smugglers had a STARLINK INTERNET DEVICE

Ek SMUGGLER ki wife ne starlink ko phone kar diya hai…yaa, please cancel my starlink internet…you people guaranteed ki connection superfast hoga AND hotstar aur Netflix 6 maheena free hoga AND ke drugs ke shipment kabhi pakdey nahin jaayenge…mera husband pakda Gaya hai…so please cancel…
cancel only internet ka part…Netflix aur hotstar main abhi bhi rakhoongi obviously…time hi time hai ab toh

INDIAN POLICE WANT STARLINK / ELON MUSK to cooperate!!

SHOLAY CONNECTION — Musk bhaagta hua trump ke paas jayega…SARDAR! SARDAR! I mean Donald, india vaalon ko dekh lo…mujhe blame kar rahe hain drug smugglers ko le ke…main kya karoon mera starlink internet koi smuggling ya crime ke liye use kar raha hai toh! Meri kya responsibility hai! Yeh toh vahi baat hui ke jaisey twitter pe saara garbage meri responsibility hai! Jaise ki meri
Aap india pe 100% tariff lagao! Promise karo!

****************************

BTS:

Gukesh dommaraju - world chess champion - Chennai, 18 yrs…

Micheal Jarman - world MS excel champion

Gukesh won 11 CRORE + 5 crore from TN govt…total for now 16 crore

Michael won - USD $5000 = Rs. 4 LAKH rupees

PAST INSPIRATION - chess champ was encouraged by parents;;;; excel champ was encouraged coworkers - Michael, kya spreadsheets banata hai yaar…jab tu EQUAL TO sign laga ke bracket kholta hai na sheet mein calculation ke liye…yaar, main toh vahin dher ho jaata hoon…

Arey, arey Michael ka asli jaado toh sorting aur filtering mein nazar aata hai…

Aur phir jab data le ke, highlight kar ke graphs aur charts banata hai….HAAN!

CANCELLED!

(MAYBE WE DO THIS TOGETHER UNDER “Aaj Ki Apology”

an apology to Russian and arabic speakers..

“Main maafi maangna chaahta thha app sab loag jo russian bolte hain aur arabic boltey hain…aap ki inn sundar languages ka mazaak udaaney ke liye…aap toh acchey loag ho…mera intention thha Putin aur Assad ka mazaak udana kyonki voh dono dictator…syria mein problem hui toh Putin ne Assad ko panaah de di…russia pe attack hoga toh yeh dono mil ke probalbly north korea kim jong un ke paas bhaag jayenge….aur tab main korean language ka mazaak udaoonga…so you see, I will keep doing this…bas thoda time aur…lagta hai duniya se kameeney loag bas khatam honey hi vaaley hain…right?

Baat is your problem...Baasi News, Tadka Taaza...DEC 7th show:

SHOW MORNING:

record aunty interrup button
Set up camera - on gr screen rod?
Banana peel art

BTS: MAKING OF…”the 50 Cr Banana”… >> CANCELLED !!

(Green screen - screenshots of the banana skit from FCP during editing - REACTION SHOT)

Mo: actor interview style // WEAR SUNGLASSES ON NOSE // REVERSE HAT: nahin, voh kele khaaney ke liye ek mindset chaahiye hota hai, jab shooting start hui aur aunty ne ACTION bola toh…I wasnt ready…toh voh reaction…ek genuine reaction thhha…you see, you see, you see, you see

Aunty: mainey action bola toh mo ready nahin thha…I mean unprofessional hai mo…most of the time…because I think kela khana is not hard to do…but yeh actors ka dimaag saatve aasmaan pe hota hai…aunty, mera kela khaane ka motivation kya hai…mera iss kele se rishta kya hai…I dont like mo!

GV: main kela actually apne breakfast ke liye laayi thhee…but mo ne kaha ki kela skit ki shooting mein use hona hai…I dont like mo!

Mo: I love aunty and GV, they are very supportive…jab Maine bola ki main kelon ke saath ek item number karna chaahta hoon toh aunty, GV dono ne bola ki bahut acchha idea hai…you know I am dancing with a kela…background dancers are all bananas…toh voh market gayi hain dono for banana shopping…kaafi time ho gaya…bas aati hongi…(looks at watch /…looks at banana peel)

END

WWD/how diff/Welcome to BIYP -

FIND and PLAY on TV…

(later INSTAGRAM and maybe FIREPLACE?)

Last Show Ki Best Line (LSKBL) -

(TADKA SOUND)

Latest Baasi News #1

Uber for boats in Dal Lake Kashmir

https://apple.news/AFoC4982SR0WUyrB1VuVKjA

Shikara Paani ke uber Chalta hai (pon-pon)
GV 3 TIGAADA (aunty will provide to GV)

Aunty’s Interruption (2-3 small silly comments but she interrupts the show to say it)
Director of communications is ruchika tomar
Uber car stops in another gali, I have to walk…if uber shikara arrives the wrong pick up spot…do I swim to that spot??!!
GPS will keep rerouting if shikara affected by wind…make a u-turn…too much u-turn…make a u-turn…WE STOP AUNTY!

DO WE really need this??
Technology in everything? Bollywood ki movies ke kitne scenes hue hain…boats, shikaras pe…oh maajhi re! Oh bhaiya, app pe book kiya…chale aaye emotional scene karne!
NO BARGAINING!!
Boat …. Driver? Operator? Captain?
Uber Shikara driver complaint…was on the phone constantly / chappu se kitna paani udd-udd ke aa raha thha ham pe…horrible experience! 2 stars!!
Uber eats shikara? Fresh fish!! But isnt that grocery ….
Uber Shikara Go - most likely Sasta vaala Maruti ya Tata ka shikara aata hai…like a shikara alto…shikara Tiago…
UBER Shikara rental - can drive the shikara yourself…?? -
but LICENSE will be required right??
Uber Shikara Moto - like motorcycles on the road…except on the shikara you have to wear a helmet and sit chipak ke with the shikara driver - close enough to smell his hair oil

Latest Baasi News #2

GV / aunty start…so, baasi news #2 (TADKA SOUND) is …

Businessman Justin Sun (Chinese born; cryptocyurrency company ‘Tron’;

millionaire bought $6.2m banana from auction…

SHOW his instagram on TV…for banana and then eating video

https://www.instagram.com/justinsun/?hl=en

Aunty / GV to start…
Who wants a banana this badly?
People who have money to waste like this dude!
By the way, iss artist - Maurizio cattalan ne yeh banana ek kele vaale se NY mein, 25 cents ka khareeda thha…ek Bangladeshi immigrant se jo kele bechta hai NY mein…
I HAVE A SURPRISE…So, we bought this banana!!
WHAT??!!
YES! I have it right here…(pick up from under the table) - bahut acchhee publicity hogi hamare show ki…
Its only the peel stuck with tape…arey banana kahan gaya…
CUT TO: Mo about to eat banana…
Takes a bite and says >> kya hua…aap loag show karo na aise kyon dekh rahe ho…!
GV and aunty > hey bhagvaan AND CREDITS roll on screen like end of a sitcom
Show ke end ki tarah freeze ho jao…

WE WERE JOKING…

By the way, yeh kela Justin sun ne khud kha liya (SEE INSTAGRAM)
1 banana = 50 crore rupees
Actually mein kele khareedney jao…delhi mein…
“Bhaiya, kele kaisey diye hain”?
80 rupay darjan?
Arey, kamaal hai! Sahi laga lo bhaiya!
Behenji, itna hi hai…mandi se mehenga hai…ka karein!
Accha theek hai…8 crore 33 lakh kele baandh deejiye…aur ye leejiye 50 crore ka note!
Behenji, 50 crore ke khulley nahin hain…subha ka time hai
Arey bhaiya main phone laana bhool gayi…payTM nahin kar sakti…

Aur agar 50 crore ke kele koi khareedega toh pakka hai ki drugs bhar ke kahin bhejni hongi

India ki saari fruit markets mein fruit vaalon ne BANANAS ke saath mein tape ke thele laga liye hain
Kele bechney vaaley ki patni taaney maarti hai -- CANCELLED !!
“kyon ji, suna iss angraij kele vaaley ka…ek kela 50 crore rupay ka becha…tum din ke mushkil se 500 rupay ke bechtey ho! Hunh! Baat mat karna jab tak ghar mein ek scooty nahin le aatey
“Naaraz mat ho shanta, main kuch sochta hoon… kal shaam ya toh main ghar aaoonga…ya scooty…Matlab scooty zaroor aayegi…main aaoon ya nahin…umm…Matlab…nahin…agar scooty aai toh main aaonga kyonki scooty le ke kaun aayega…sorry! Ya toh scooty ghar aayegi, agar nahin aayi toh…main bhi ghar nahin…
SO JAO!
End with thela of bananas stuck with tape and next image of many fruit sellers using same strategy.

TO DO:

make banana peel ART…

aunty’s interruption BUTTON

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